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Boyfriend doesn't try to have sex with me anymore

By December 20, 2016 - 5:48am
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I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 32. We are 15 months together and we live together ever since.. We love each other. He does everything to see me happy, and I'm the same. We are friends, we play with each other, we have fun together. But sexually, we don't have that "fire" anymore. Initially we use to do sex all the time, many times a day. Now I feel like I always have to insist or say something, and many times even I showing how much I'm horny and want to have sex with him it just seems to create pressure on him and doesn't work. When works it still feel so sad as he seems to be doing sex obligated. I miss him, I miss his touch, miss that thing you feel before sex with someone you like, that explosion of feelings and connection... I don't know what to do because I feel really really really frustrated and sad! I don't feel sexy anymore, or desired even when every man on the street is looking at me. The only person who matters doesn't seem to care much. We already spoke about this and we agreed to try to change few things but it always comeback to same the stage! He is always too tired, too sleepy, doesn't have time, or is busy. We live together! I can't understand how we can't have 20 minutes of sex. It makes me think that the problem is me! I love him so much, he is everything to me, but as a woman and normal person I need to have a good sexual life. Because now I always feel like walking on top of eggs, nothing feels natural or connected once the subject is sex between us. I need help because I don't know what to do anymore, if now is like that, I can only imagine how it is going to be once we have a family.

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EmpowHER Guest

Its seems like most people have the same problem - everything is too routine - work, sleep, repeat. Even people's sex life seems like just another routine these days. If you're feeling this way, then best believe he's feeling similar. But he won't ever admit that to you if he's smart - he knows it'd be way too hurtful and you wouldn't be able to handle the truth. And he's most likely way too lazy and not innovative enough to do anything about the situation, so dont expect him to fix these things on his own accord (he'll need some encouragement along the way.) People crave something different... Variety in their lives. The problem most couples have is becoming too familiar and comfortable with each other. One option is to sleep around and cheat... Which nobody wants or deserves that happening to them. So the other option would be to mix things up a bit - spice up the sex life.
One game you could play is "stranger." Go out to the bar and order a drink, have ur partner come 5 to 10 minutes after you, and sit one chair away from you... and pretend like you dont know each other. Meet each other again for the first time... and flirt with each other as if you two really are strangers. Another way to cure the bedroom boredom would be to blindfold him. Create the illusion that hes sleeping with someone else by wearing a different perfume and talking in a different voice.... And ask him to do the same thing to you next time. (If this offends you... Think about this: would you rather him imagine having sex with someone else... or actually go out and have sex with someone else?)
Talk to each other about things more meaningful- skip the work chat and the "how was your day" bullshit. Ask him how he feels about ANYTHING... and when he talks.... Really listen to him. Ask him to do the same for you.
Ask him to reveal a secret or something about him that you dont know, and reveal something about you afterwards.
Couples tend to loose that interest in each other, because they assume they know everything about them. They get bored.
Suprise him and learn a new skill set that you've always wanted to learn, (maybe even something that hes halfway interested in and could do with you.)
Maybe even spend less time at home. Join the gym, do a yoga class, or maybe meet at a girlfriends house for a wine and craft night. Allowing him to have the house to himself will not only give him the proper alone time that most people need, but it will also give him time to miss you and wonder about when you're going to get back.
Ask him to do all the same things for you. But dont be vague about it. Spell out what you want, and how you want it done. Chances are, he will do it for you. Plus, a woman who knows what she wants is always sexy.

May 2, 2017 - 12:57pm

Hello Amor123,

Welcome to the EmpowHER community. I am sorry to hear how unhappy you are.
Only your boyfriend knows the real reason for his lack of interest and the key is getting him to share that.

Forgive me, but my first thought is the nine year age difference. Initially, he may have been flattered to have a much younger woman attracted to him. He may have lost interest. He may indeed be feeling too tired to have sex frequently. I don't know and shouldn't say. It is just a thought.


December 20, 2016 - 9:28am
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