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Boyfriend says I don't turn him on

By July 24, 2010 - 8:25am
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So yesterday my boyfriend (of nearly 1 year) and i got home from our daily gym workout. We showered, and had decided we would go out to dinner since it was Friday and we didnt feel like cooking. I was upstairs trying to decide what to wear, and i asked his opinion on a couple of the shirts. He said he didn't like them beacuse they didn't fall right on me (i have lost about 45lbs). I understood why he siad this so i went upstairs to try to find something cuter/sexier to wear to dinner. I got a bit frustrated because i didnt know what to wear, so i asked him if there was anything he wanted me to wear. he got pissed off, and said that it doenst matter what i wear, he just wants to go to dinner. i got upset because i was only taking a bit of time to get ready so that i would look good for him.

this fight then escalated into us not going ot dinner because he wanted to play a computer game that we both play before we went to dinner, but because i took to long getting ready, he wasn't in the mood to go to dinner with me anymore. this turned into a huge fight, in which it came out that i am not pleasing him sexually anymore. this was a shock to me. i know that in the last month since i started my new job(just graduated from college) that i had been a bit less in the mood because i was tired, and he wont have sex with me before the gym because it saps his strength. which is fine, i understand this, and dont really care, except alot of times when we get home from the gym i am really tired, and then not necessarily in the mood right then either. the fight got worse, with him saying that he is the only one who initiates the sex, and that i never try to get him off.
my boyfriends is the 2nd guy i have been with, and i have done a lot more sexually with him than i had before. he on the other hand has been with 6 other girls, and even has had threesomes. he hasnt ever tried to push me on that, and even told me he wasnt sure if he would want to do that with me because he felt differently about sharing me than he had with his exes. when he finally came to bed, he started to watch a porn on his cell phone while not touching me or talking to me at all. this hurt me a lot because it was like sicne we were fighting, he wouldnt get any release, and therefore had to watch a porn (of 2 girls and a guy) to do so. i got really upset, and that is when he started throwing in my face about how i dont come onto him, and he is the only one who is iniating sex between us.
i dont know what to do, we talked through a lot of it, and i todl him i didnt realize that it had been bothering him so much the past month (of which we still had sex almost 1x a day), and that i was sorry, and i owuld work on it. i thought we were going ot be ok
however when i got up this morning (he was at work) and i looked at the computer, he had watched porn for 1hr before ocming to bed, and had joined a swingers lifestyle group. he told me before he wouldnt do this because i didnt like the idea of sharing, and now i find this on his email.
i dont know what to do. we live together, have been talking about gettin married, have a house together, and 3 dogs. i dont know if i can live with this feeling that i am inadequately sexy enough for him. he tells me he loves me, but then he went behind my back and joined this group. right now i am looking at apartments and trying to think throguh what i want to do with our relationship. i am hoping someone can offer some advise before he gets home in 3 hours so i can see what other people think...

thanks :(

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Thank you for the response. i am just so hurt right now, and i dont know how to bring all this up after we were "ok" without it turning into another fight. i have told him that i might consider something like the swingers thing or maybe 3some later down the road when i felt very secure in our relationship. to me this was after we were married, not after nearly 1 year of a relationship. i just dont know if i can sort through this issue without me wanting to walk out on him because he is so adamant that i am not initiating anything anymore, and therefore he has to turn to porn to get off; what if it this turns into him needing another girl??? i guess i will have to wait and see; he will be home in 20minutes...wish me luck, and ill update you later today or tomorrow :-/

July 24, 2010 - 11:03am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Cloff,

I am sorry that you are going through these things right now. One of the main things I want to point out to you is that, never listen to anyone when you are involved in a fight as we tend to say things out of sorts to HURT the other person and it appears from your explanation, there were a lot of hurtful things said to you and maybe you hurt his feelings also. Men love their egos.

Since you both live together, talk to him about the new website that he signed up on. Obviously, you both use the same computer and it will be easy for you to know that he was being sneaky about his intent. He may have been upset or looked at a pornography site that commercialized the swinger site but who knows if he will actually act upon it. I will assume this is the first time you noticed this.

Instead of causing another argument about this new site, try and talk to him about the issues you both had last night and resolve them. Be sure to let him know how attracted and sexually attracted you are to him and how interested you are in pleasing him. Try and talk about the things that will please him (since you have less experience) that you may do. Talk about fantasies, etc. There may be something that you can add to your relationship so he doesn't feel as if he always initiates things.

Communication, without fighting and arguments, will be beneficial in this situation. Don't find yourself completely upset just yet about the swingers site....he may have been curious but will not act upon it. I know this will be very hard right now but if you see a pattern, then bring it up.

Does this help?

July 24, 2010 - 8:59am
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