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Boyfriend is uninterested in sex? Or in me?

By November 21, 2010 - 8:08pm
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I guess this story is going to be pretty long if I want to explain it well... but if someone is still willing to read it all and give me advice I'd really appreciate it.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little less than a year, but are very in love, and have been for the whole time. We started having sex about 2 months into our relationship and since we're both young (I'm 18 and he's 21) we were naturally quite sexually active. Pretty much all days when we would sleep in the same bed (which was at least 3 times a week) we would have sex. More often it was almost everyday. I wasn't a virgin when we met, but my previous sexual encounters were drunken accidents which meant nothing, so sex with him is really important to me. And it has always been fantastic.

Lately, however, he is uninterested in sexual contact. We will be making out and in very little clothing and he will decide he wants to "cuddle". This didn't bother me at first, because I love cuddling, but now it is happening every time we fool around. He hasn't been able to get or maintain an erection for a few weeks now. Twice he has gone soft during oral (and it's not like it's no good... I have on good authority I'm very skilled) and once during intercourse. And those are just the times when it has been hard for long enough to get past cuddling.

He has been making excuses: "I'm just tired" "I'm just stressed" "I'm thinking about school" "I'm not feeling well" or going into selfpity mode: "I can't even satisfy you" "this is so embarrassing" "Maybe there's something wrong with me" "I'm not good enough for you" and I always end up feeling guilty. I'm not mad at him at all, of course, but I am fairly upset about the issue.

Perhaps part of the problem is that I moved away for a brief period of time recently. For two months I was in another part of the country volunteering and wasn't able to see him in person during that time. We argued occasionally but talked on the phone and skype a lot to make up for the lack of contact. We had "skype sex" which is basically just mutual masturbation over video and he was always able to get erect and orgasm during those occasions. When I got home earlier this month, we had sex the first night I was back (really amazing sex) but since then I think we have only had sex two times and those were both after a lot of effort on my part to obtain the erection.

I don't want to talk to him about it because I know he is embarrassed and feeling insecure about this issue, but I need some sort of reassurance. We spend almost every night together and although I adore cuddling with him and being touched in anyway, even non-sexual ways, I am worried his dwindling interest in sex is focused on me. I have always had very low self-esteem, which he is aware of. I am a little chunky (although he denies that) but he has always told me he likes my curves and that he thinks I'm beautiful. I don't want to tell him this is hurting my self-esteem because I know he will feel incredibly guilty, but I can't deny it to myself. The other day I put on sexy lingerie to try and get him turned on, I pulled his clothes off and did a whole "sexy" thing. Last time I did something like this he practically pushed me into bed... this time he said he was tired and wanted to cuddle.

I don't know if it's me or if he really has just been tired for weeks... but I would really like some help, please. Thank you.

Add a Comment3 Comments

Hi Juliettexo,
Thank you for your question and for finding EmpowHER. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I cannot diagnose what's going on, I can only give suggestions for you to think about and act on yourself. It sounds to me like this problem has nothing to do with you, so rest-assured you are beautiful and sexy just like he has told you in the past. He has a problem. I can't say what that problem is, it could be a number of things. And if he's not talking, there's not a whole lot you can do about it. You can try in a loving manner to say that you're worried about him and just want to know what's going on. But if he's defensive, you have no choice but to consider how truly invested in this relationship he is and you are. You are young, and for whatever reason, the sex part of your relationship is out of synch. Sexual incompatibility could be a deal breaker, but it's up to you to decide when to say when. Give it a bit of time if you want, try to focus on other things and if the sex doesn't come naturally, or match up to your own expectations, you can decide it's time to move on. I know you say you love him, but these problems are cropping up for good reason. You deserve to know those reasons, and be happy, comfortable and confident in your relationship. Stick to what you want.
Good luck and let us know what you think or how you are doing.
Take care,

November 23, 2010 - 7:40am
(reply to Christine Jeffries)

I think we're doing okay :) we had an honest conversation about what the problem was. He admitted that since it had happened once for unknown reasons he started worrying about it every time - which only made things more difficult for him. I ended up giving him a sexy massage and taking control of the situation until he felt comfortable enough to take charge himself, which he did admirably! I think we're both relaxing into a comfortable, more mature state where we still love sex with each other but don't need to prove it to ourselves by doing it every night we spend together.

November 28, 2010 - 7:36pm
(reply to juliettexo)

Hi Juliettexo,
That's great! You sound much better, more relieved. Maybe it was the massage? ;)
It is completely natural for the frequency of sexual encounters between partners to decrease over time. I think the important thing is to maintain open communication with each other to make sure you stay on the same page that way, or get back on the same page quickly if you veer off a bit.
Good luck and let us know if you need further support in the future.

November 29, 2010 - 9:31am
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