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By October 27, 2011 - 11:34am
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I am 56 years old and have always had a major problem with my daughter. I was married at the age of 15 giving birth to 3 wonderful children over 5 years. I left my hushand when I was 21 as he was abusive, drug addict and drank too much. At such a young age I did not have the skills nor the help that many people of abuse have today.
My daughter has always held the separation over me and used it to have her friends and relationships disapprove of me. She tells me one day I am loved and missed and the next that I am evel, worthless and not her mother.

I did 3.5 years of councelling and therapy to learn to live with the abuse I received both as a child and a young divorced lady from 1980 to mid 1984. Now at the age of 56 I am back into councelling as a result of my daughter's mental abuse towards me. I just finished really a book called Stop Walking On Eggsshells, which has helped me but I am still so lost in the time of what is seen as the golden years. Not so golden for me nor my second husband of 27 years.
I am not sure what to do from this point on. I have given my daughter a letter addressing boundries which I will not let her cross in the hopes that this would help her to have some sort of relatonship with me. However this has only given her more resentment towars me. The letter was well written and quite detailed and done with the help of a mental health doctor I am seeing in order to overcome the issues my daughter and I have with each other.
I do have other health problems such as high/low blood pressure, atrofibulation, fibromyalgia, depression and anxiety. Not so long ago my mental well being was really back with me looking at my daughter on one hand and death on the other. Twice in the past year since my daughter moved to the same small Alberta town I live in I have wanted death over my daughter as she has made it clear she is going to try and control me with me love for her.
I at this stage of my treatment am to the point of letting her go comletely from my life for the sake of my own health the for the love of my husband, friends and family that love me unconditionally and want me in their lives.
Why do I still feel so much guilt.

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Thank you for response to my concerns.

My daughter is seeing a family therapist, however if she is not true and honest with them her healing will never come.

I have via a therapist and 2 friends know that she has had been honest about her past history and only is able to find that I am at fault. My daughter has been married 3 times and just celebrated her 2 anniverary to her 4th husband. She has given me 3 wonderful grandsons and not one of these babies belong to any of her husbands. My grandsons for 21, 19 and 17 and I am always cut off them every time my daughter feels it is time to punish me. My grandsons are all old enough to use their own hearts, minds and courage to deal with their mother. However they have all said face to face with me that it is better for them to be at odds with me and not communicate with me than with their mother.

I am grateful to EmpowHer for giving people such as myself another outlet for relating and releasing some of our hates and pain. I seen it on The Doctors tv show yesterday.

Best wishes

Betty Ann

October 28, 2011 - 7:16am

Hi Betty Ann,

As a mother and a daughter, reading your post pains me. I can never imagine blaming my mother for leaving my abusive father-- on the contrary, I applaud her...and I applaud you. I am sorry that your daughter sees things differently, but if she is a grown woman then this is something she should really learn to accept. It's been so long that I can't help but wonder if she should seek therapy as well.

Please stay strong, you are doing the right thing. Keep seeing your therapist. Surround yourself with the people that love and care for you and by all means, please, please, please take care of your health. She is your daughter and I can understand your pain, but YOU come first.

Please browse through our groups to see if you find one that you can become a part of, here is one on depression: https://www.empowher.com/groups/Depression or you and Anonymous can create your own here: https://www.empowher.com/groups/create

Best Wishes,


October 27, 2011 - 2:10pm
EmpowHER Guest

Betty Ann, I am 55 and also have a grown child that manipulates me. I also suffer from fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, depression and anxiety. I often wonder how much of my illness is brought on by my constant state of unhappiness, along with the stress of my relationships. I wish I could give you a solution or answer, but the only thing I can offer is that you are not alone and that you need to realize that nobody (even our children) should be able to manipulate us to this point. I'm still struggling with that, but I think I am getting a little stronger everyday. My prayers are with you and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone!

October 27, 2011 - 12:25pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Thank you so much for your kind response. I to am praying for you. You are so right about many of our health conditions being directly related to the stresses we may be going through at the hands of others. I am thankful that my daughter is in my life but I am nnow unable or unwilling to allow her to continue manipulating me the way she has been. She is turnin 40 on Sunday and it is time she grows up and stops hurts me for her errors in life. She has made many bad judgements in her life for which to her I am the blame. With support places such as EmpowHrer, councellors, therapy groups and God we will all find better hours, days, weeks and years in the future.
You as well stay strong and my prayers will by with you as well. Hugsss from Canada

October 28, 2011 - 7:02am
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