He loves me, but isn't attracted to me

Anon,

You are absolutely right about living in the middle. I know exactly how that feels. Your life hangs in the balance between what is almost yours and what is not yours at all. And if you leave this relationship, you don't know what else might or might not be waiting. And when your feelings are genuine, as I am convinced yours are, it seems impossible to just turn it off.

But now that I know your ages, I think I'm going to probably agree with Susan. If you had told me you two were in your mid-twenties, or even late twenties, for instance, I might have said, give it a little more time if you want to, while not tying yourself down. But in your early 30s, you are both completely grown. You are mature adults, or you should be. It feels to me as though you could be involved/half-involved/not involved with him for four more years, with hope and some small growth, and yet that wouldn't be enough for you.

Here's what I need to tell you most of all -- I think you need to trust that growing bit of dread in your stomach that tells you this is not right for you anymore. Even though it might feel like it's going to kill you to honor it. In our early 30s, if we want to find a lifetime companion and/or think about having a family, there isn't lots of time to waste.

If someone doesn't quite know who he is by the time he's in his early 30s, it doesn't bode well for the next couple of years, either. And honestly, men don't hear the ticking of the biological clock like we do. They can father children in their 30s, their 40s, their 50s and beyond -- while our true window of relatively easy opportunity closes somewhere around 40.

Here's what's going to be tough -- If you walk away, one of two things will happen. (a) He won't come after you -- which is a sign that you made the right decision. Or (b) he WILL come after you, which could be genuine or could just be not wanting to lose the one person he does have. If at that time he becomes sexually attracted to you, how would you feel about it? Happy? Patient? or perhaps worried that it will go away again?

When we are in a push-pull relationship like this, one bad thing is that even when we are in a good place, we are wondering if it's a temporary good place or if there's another shoe about to drop. That's as hard a place to live as where you are now, in the middle.

If you decide to stay, I would tell you to decide what YOUR goals are for the relationship in the short term and in the long term, and I would tell you to set a date -- perhaps six months in the future -- as to when you will check back with yourself to see if the two of you are on the same road. Is this relationship compatible with your goals?

If you decide to leave, I would tell you to be sure, and then just do it and don't second-guess yourself. Nothing good will come from it. Decide that you made the right decision and move forward.

And I agree with Susan -- the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is fairly brilliant. Check it out on Amazon or at a bookstore -- sometimes it's hard to read something that sounds like the truth, but very helpful too.

Take care, and I'd love to hear back from you.

Hi, Anon. I'm so glad you found EmpowHer. You've been dealing with an awful lot. Thank you for your post.

Last things first -- You're not a lunatic. When we really love someone, we want to work hard to preserve a relationship. When we feel the kind of chemistry you are talking about, it's nearly impossible to just decide to move on. Our head fights with our heart all the time, doesn't it?

Second things second -- Men don't generally get turned off by an extra 15 pounds. It just isn't that much extra weight. It feels like it to us, because we see the number on the scale and we hate how our clothing fits (or doesn't fit). It is often a reason to dislike ourselves (despite how much we try not to) but it's not that often a reason for someone to fall out of love with us. If that IS his reason, then he's too shallow for you anyway.

Which brings me to my main point -- from reading your post, I have to say that you actually sound more mature to me than he does. Of course, I don't have his side to read here. But he's the one who originally had things to work out (did he give you details? Did you spent time talking about that after he came back?) and then he's the one who just "showed up" at a restaurant where he was likely to see you.

I'm very glad that you followed up on your decision to make your move, even though it took you an airline flight away. It would have been rather easy to change your mind and try to stay and make it work. But you didn't, you took care of yourself (I am assuming that your move was for your work or perhaps your family) and moved away from him.

So you fell in love 4 years ago, but have actually spent most of that time separated by some sort of distance. That's really, really hard to do. I was in a long-distance relationship and even with a lot of love, it is hard to maintain. No communication is normal -- you're either trying to stay close by technological means (phone calls, texts, email) or you're together and you're trying hard to make Every Moment Count. There's no normalcy, no times when you just hang out. A little disagreement carries extra emotion, because time is so precious. A big disagreement needs to be solved Right Now because someone is leaving in a few hours. There are too many hellos and goodbyes, but not enough time in between to feel just plain familiar. It can be a wonderful love, but the nuts and bolts of the relationship are very hard.

You didn't mention your ages; I am assuming somewhere in the 20s or 30s? Those are decades where we work hard to find our adult selves. We have competing priorities -- work, love, friends, family, social life -- and we're trying to figure out how they work in balance to one another. If he has difficulty with being left, perhaps stemming from his childhood? Or from another serious relationship? it's not odd that he needs to work through it. But whether he'll be successful or not remains to be seen.

It's hard for people to change. If we genuinely want to, we can, but it's hard. You may be up against a wall here.

You're not crazy. There's a lot going on. It might work out, or it might not. I think you need to figure out for yourself whether it's ok with you if he gets to decide whether this relationship moves forward or not. You sound like a kind, loving, trusting soul who is feeling out of control of something that matters very much to you. It sounds like it's an emotional rollercoaster and he has the controls in his hands. Is that ok with you?

If I've made wrong assumptions here, please chime in and write some more information. I'd be interested to know what the issues were that he originally wanted to work out, and why he thinks something is "wrong" with him now. And your ages, and whether each of you was faithful when you were apart.

But please don't get hung up on an extra 15 pounds, or thinking that you're just going nuts. I know that feeling and it's no fun. The way you can help yourself here is to stay level-headed as much as possible and to give him space to figure out what's going on. And to use that space for yourself as well.