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How to boost his sex drive?

By Anonymous August 2, 2009 - 3:50pm
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I have a very high sex drive and want to have sex often, but my boyfriend is satisfied with less and only initiates it 25% of the time. Are there any techniques or tips that anyone has that will boost his sex drive/appetite or get him more eager to have sex when I ask?

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I was reading this and remember hearing this audio from Dr. Klein.


I like his approach about talking openly and honestly about the issue, especially with one as sensitive as sex. Good luck and keep us posted.

August 2, 2009 - 9:56pm
Expert HERWriter

Wow!! Great information Alison.
There often seems to be one person in the relationship who may want sex or have a higher sex drive than their partner. Then, sometimes it can switch and the other partner becomes more sexual and longing for sex more so than their respective mate.

Some men and or women just want more intimacy and need to feel wanted and needed. Others feel fulfilled in other ways and don't have the same sexual desire their partner does. Some men and women crave it, love it, and can even become dependent upon it.

One of the most important things is to be able to talk about it. Get the cards out on the table. You need to ask him what's going on with him. Maybe, just maybe, he'd like for you to do something he's not been able to tell you he'd like. He may feel performance anxiety because you crave sex more then he does. It may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. If that's the case, you have to be able to talk about your sex life. You have to communicate to him what you like and what you don't. He has to be able to do the same. Now, that's intimacy. It should be so simple right...easy to write such advice when I'm not the one having the conversation:) But you should tell him in a loving way, you crave him and want him all the time. You would love it if he was more sexual and what can you do to help make that happen. You can do this in a loving, giving and communicative way. The two toughest topics for couples to discuss are money and sex. And yet both of these things can help with intimacy. Interesting isn't it? You have to be able to communicate the things you like and the things you don't like. I'm still going to ask Dr. Klein for you to see what he thinks. He is the expert after all. Stay tuned!! Please tell us what you think so far. Is any of this information helpful? Eye opening or are we totally off base? Don't be afraid to tell us what you think. EmpowHer's a safe enviornment where you can communicate your feelings openly and freely.

August 2, 2009 - 7:52pm

I think the key here is: he is satisfied with less. If he does not want his sex drive boosted, then it's not going to be boosted...no matter what "tricks of the trade" are suggested. Most of the ways to enhance sex drive are either: medications or behavioral therapies (both must have the other person wanting and willing to do these modifications).

May I ask you: how far apart are you two in your "ideal" sexual relationship? Are you focusing on just one aspect (frequency), where you two may differ the most? What other aspects of your sexual relationship do you agree and/or disagree? Perhaps if you start really picking apart the specifics of what you each want, you may not be that far apart..and there may be more room to compromise than you think.

For instance, an example scenario:
- You want sexual intercourse 4 days a week at least
- He is OK with sexual intercourse 1-2 days a week

How could you compromise in the above situation? Can you alternate weeks, and meet in the middle at 3 times per week sometimes; other times could be 1 time? Can you have sexual intercourse sometimes, and other times he "helps you" masturbate or other erotic sexual activity? The ideas and options are endless....

Another example scenario of communicating about the differences:
Your reasoning for wanting sex more often than 2-3x per week: it feels good, it makes you feel closer to him, you want to have an orgasm, you feel bad or not intimate when sex is too far apart.
His reasoning for wanting sex less often than 2-3x per week: it feels good, but feels better when there is time to rest in between. He enjoys other nights of being alone, being with friends, watching a movie with you instead of having to "perform".

Do you know the answers to the above questions? What is your and his average days/week that would be your ideal for sex (given a typical, non-stressful, average week). If you are very far apart in days...or just a day off...you can have the above conversation where there is no right/wrong answer. It can help you both understand and communicate your ideal sexual frequency (and, again, "frequency" is only but one small factor in all of the variables that pertain to your sexual relationship).

How long does each sexual encounter last? Are we talking minutes...or hours? Do you "settle" for a quickie at times, or does he have to "perform" at his top-level each time? What are you expecting from him? What does he expect from you? Where can you two compromise?

One thought to mention: you can certainly have a higher sex drive than your boyfriend, but also just wanted to rule out one other factor: do you want/need to have sex with him to feel loved or special? Do you feel like the physical intimacy is proof of your relationship?

A common scenario in couples' frustrations with physical intimacy may be that one partner feels overworked, overburdened or otherwise overstimulated in the relationship or other areas of their life. How can you help him feel relaxed, comforted and closer to you in a non-physical way? Just think of this scenario being gender-reversed: what would you tell your girlfriends if their boyfriend was "pressuring" them (as they would likely say) to have sex more often, and they have clearly said "no, thanks"? Would it be advisable that they take some "potion" to make them feel more aroused, or are there perhaps subtle things that their boyfriends can do to help get them in the mood? Be sweet and make dinner; give backrubs with nothing-in-return expected? Be physically intimate throughout the day (quick pinch, hand holding, smile, kiss) to help build up to the evening. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Hope some of this helps, while we wait for Dr. Klein to answer. I will also look in our archives and other sources, to see what I can find. Please let me know your thoughts on my above suggestions, as it will help me tailor the information to you!

(And, one other personal note: many of us have "been there" where we feel awful or confused [or self-conscious] because the man is stereotypically supposed to "want us" at any moment, and we wonder why we have more of a sex drive than the male. We wonder what is wrong with us/ the relationship; or what's wrong with him! Rarely is there a couple with both individuals experiencing the exact same sex drive, always at the exact same time, so please know this is normal.)

August 2, 2009 - 6:32pm
Expert HERWriter

I'll take a look right now and see what I can find for you. I know our moderators can help as well. If we don't have any information with regard to your question, we'll ask Dr. Klein and get back with you. We usually interview him at least once a month if not more. I'm glad you found the site too!! Keep coming back and don't forget to share EmpowHer with your friends and family.

August 2, 2009 - 4:13pm
EmpowHER Guest

Thank you, that would be most helpful! I've tried looking this up online, but couldn't find anything overly informative. I'm glad I came across this site!

August 2, 2009 - 4:07pm
Expert HERWriter

I'm sure one of our leading experts, Dr. Marty Klein, has answered this question. I'll have the moderators take a look and send you a couple of links to information that may help you. It always amazes me how men think a lot of women don't have much of a sex drive and yet I see more women asking about how they can boost their husband's/partner's sex drive. Thanks for coming to EmpowHer. We'll be back in touch. Great question!!

Best in health,

August 2, 2009 - 3:56pm
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