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How or Should I work it out with my self-centered boyfriend?

By Anonymous June 22, 2011 - 4:03am
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5 months ago this guy was my dream partner. He is 29 I am 28 (11 months apart) We are both are artist and tech types who enjoy working on side projects, watching movies, listening to music, playing video games, and are very driven individuals with a sense of identity. We may not share the exact taste in music/movies/etc but we can talk about these things and open up to trying new ones.

First red flag was when he wanted to label our relationship boyfriend/girlfriend very early on. I don't suspect him of cheating or lying to me and was weary of this but since we weren't living together and I felt the same, I went in head over heels.

Over the past month or so I've become increasingly aware of the distance between us. I feel like he is emotionally unavailable and the conversation ALWAYS ends up being about him, or it starts and ends that way without allowing me a word in edge-wise. I get a few token, "what did you want to do?" or "what would you like to watch?" but if it is something that he isn't into he will say, "I'll pass." or he will complain or find some reason why he wants to watch or do something else. Lately our only dates have been to the movie theater DURING THE DAY because he likes to "avoid the crowd". We usually have some errands for him that we run like going to the pet store or Best Buy to look at movies/games. All this was fine with me since I wanted to be cool and go with the flow and enjoy movies and games as much as he does. What makes it difficult is the way he has his set way of what we do and if I suggest say, going to dinner with another couple or out to see some live music he says he doesn't want to or he has to work.

He is inconsiderate and I am the opposite. I pick up on things he says he likes/wants and I will try to make it happen but him, it's like I'm not even on his mind. He suggested getting me a key for his place to make it easier on me to stay the night. I made him one a week or so later and gave it to him, he never gave me one. I even reminded him on several occasions and nothing.

The other issue I have is that in the 5 months we've been dating he has only slept over at my house in my bed a few times. The other times he comes to my house is just for a couple of hours and even that is only a handful of times.

I've tried evening the playing field by not coming over and spending the night but we work out (at his house of course) and we began having sex before/during/after workout and I would leave and go home. That made me feel less close and like I was losing myself and being there for his convenience. I tried bringing this up to him several times, each time started a massive blowout with him repeating that he doesn't keep me from doing anything. All I want is for him to take an interest or at least TRY to do some things that I like or come into MY space to let me feel like he is interested. He claims that he is a great guy and not doing anything wrong but refuses to discuss emotion and gets defensive if he has to look at himself it seems. Anything that disturbs his little universe will upset him to the point that we can't even talk. It has gotten really bad face-to-face and now we hardly see each other anymore. Once per week I stay the night, we go to the movies and run errands. The rest of the time I hardly get texts and we NEVER talk on the phone. He will IM me through GChat about superficial topics.

I feel so alone and I've done a lot of reading and part of me just wants to run as fast as I can but the other part still sees the person I fell in love with and hopes that communication can solve this or something. I just need some perspective as I've been losing sleep for weeks.

Thank you,

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EmpowHER Guest

This post is 5 years old but I would love to know what happened between you two. Reading your post was shocking as it mirrors exactly what I went through.
I met my boyfriend 6 months back and things went really well for the first 3 months- He said he wanted to marry me soon and even came to see me in New York for 10 days (From India)

After the trip, he changed completely. There was a major difference between us and he told me he experiences anxiety and cannot be in a healthy relationship. He still wanted my help and I helped him without expecting anything in return. (Because he was a good person)

Slowly his true nature came out. He became so increasingly self centred, only met me once in a month when it was convenient for him. Only spoke on the phone when it was convenient for him and never took my calls otherwise. He used to take ages to reply to my messages and I started suspecting him of cheating on me.
However, the truth is - he is a self entered guy with no empathy for anyone and he can't even relate to any of my emotions. On several occasions I have told him his behaviour upsets me and makes me feel unwanted. His usual response - what? I don't understand how I can possibly upset you?! It's you who doesn't give me time.

So it became clear that no matter how miserable I was, it wasn't going to make a difference to his life. I broke up with him day before yesterday and he didn't seem to be bothered. It's true he is not emotionally mature enough to consider anyone else's needs other than his own.
My advice is to leave such people to fix themselves and mature! There are plenty of lovely people out there :)

September 28, 2016 - 5:38am

Well, he refuses to go out in public and says he will be uncomfortable and then said no. I tried to explain it would keep the tension to a low and prevent yelling outbursts from both sides. He said FINE he will meet me somewhere just tell him where. So I suggested coffee shop or he could pick a place that makes him more comfortable. His response:

"I will say that going to some public place is not going to help me feel comfortable. It makes me feel like I have to be on my defense and seriously, the fact that u even say that, that u don't even feel comfortable at my house and u don't want to do it at yours, that alone says something to me. u know what? No, I'm not going to drive to some place just to talk. I have as much right to feel comfortable as u do. We either agree on this or its already doomed."

I mean...this really does say it all. It's his way or no way.

I told him I can come by at 5 and pick up my things. He says not to bother that he will just drop them off at my door.


I'm very upset right now because he isn't even going to give me any closure and he is treating me like he never cared.

June 24, 2011 - 2:40pm
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