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I know I should end it, but I'm having trouble, I love him, not sure what to do...

By January 11, 2011 - 2:44pm
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My guy and I met online through a dating site, we talked for a couple weeks, got to know each other, then decided to meet. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. The date went great. We went on multiple other dates and eventually became exclusive, at least I thought so. I started spending more time at his place. He got laid off and very depressed. To save money, he moved in with me and continued the job search. He got a good job. After living together for five months, and dating for a little over a year, he said it wasn't working, he wasn't happy, and that he'd made out with his ex while I was at work. He then moved out. We decided to try and stay friends. He came over every couple weeks, cause he found something of mine, or he left something behind. About 3 months later, I was talking about maybe trying to get out there and date again, he didn't like that idea, and wanted to be back together. I took him back, probably a very foolish decision. Since then, his ex, who I found out he had been seeing still for about a month, filed a protection order against him. She had no basis other than a text where he said he hoped her and her family died. He then admitted to me that he'd still been with her for the first 2 months that him and I were dating. He said it was better, he was happy, and I was the one he truly wanted to be with. It's been just under a year since all that happened. I had a feeling something was going on a couple months ago; we hadn't been intimate for three months, and something just didn't feel right. I know I probably shouldn't have, but I looked through his instant messages on his computer. I found that he'd been messaging his one friend, lives about 3 hours away, in an intimate way the whole time we've been together. He told her how much he loved her, that he didn't have a girlfriend, that he wanted to be with her, that he wanted to do things to her. He even had pictures of her in some underwear he bought her, the same he had bought me. There were messages where they'd basically been sexting back and forth, and signs that there had been video instances and phone instances as well. I called him on this and he agreed to quit, I've seen no signs of that since. Last night however, I, being bad once again, checked his email. For the past month, he's had another female friend, this one being 20 mins away, he's been talking to in the same way. I sent her an email about the issue then confronted him on it. I started just trying to give him the chance to admit the truth, but he kept lying, so I just spit out that I knew everything. He finally sat and talked to me. He said he does it cause it boosts his ego, that he'd never actually meet them and carry out anything that he's said. He refuses to seek counseling, and has said that he's still not completely over his last ex. The last female has emailed me, stating she doesn't hold a grudge or anything against me, and she wants to be honest about what went on, she didn't know he was with me. Come to find out, about four months ago, he was at her place and had oral affairs with her. He has mentioned he kissed her in our discussion last night, but said nothing further happened, tho she now says it did. He says he wants to be with me, he wants to work it out and have a good relationship, I'm what's important to him, he loves me, etc. He's also gotten mad at me for 'snooping' and wants to know all the ways I am so he can prevent it from happening again.

I know I should just send him packing, but part of me feels maybe he'll change for the better and it'll work out. I love him with all my heart, and it'll be just as hard on me if he goes. I've never lived alone, and without him, I'll have to for the first time. I'm just not really sure what to do and would like any advice that can be offered.
If it helps, we're both 28, he's about 3 months older than me.
Thank you

Add a Comment10 Comments

I am curious about how you are doing, and also wondering why you are staying with someone who has been very honest with you, saying, "he wasn't interested in me.". He has told you what you needed to hear, yet you sound like you are still hoping for something that is no longer there.

It does hurt when someone is no longer interested in us, but then we need to move on. He wants to be your friend, he is no longer sexually interested in you, he is no longer interested in a relationship with you-- he did a good job in saying all of this. I am not sure why you would want him to go to counseling, as counseling can not lead to a change of heart. You are in a relationship with someone whom only wants to be your friend, and you want a romantic relationship. It sounds like he will not make the final move to officially end it...and it is sad, because he has told you everything openly and honestly. You probably will need to make the last and final move to let him know you can officially move on and let him go.

You sound like you have some wonderful friends, and I would love to hear what you enjoy doing for yourself. What activities or interests do you have, that bring you joy?

April 26, 2011 - 11:19am
(reply to Alison Beaver)

Thought I'd give an update. I did bad, I kept him here. Nothing really has changed, except all his passwords and his secrecy. He says he doesn't talk to other girls anymore, but he only gets on his laptop after I've gone to bed every night, so I don't believe him. I think I'm at the point that I'm just complacent, he buys me things and has lots of games, so I've let it all go. But, I'm starting to think I want more than that. This morning I sat down and wrote out what I want to say to him. It's time to tell him it's over and I'm moving on. I think having it in writing will help me get it out instead of floundering and getting flustered, which is what happened last time I tried.

April 1, 2013 - 12:06pm

After going thru your 2nd comment i got to understand you better, you are a wonderful person and very few people can be as strong as you are....However i still beleive you need to stop living together with this guy, that will be a very brave first step to aid you in discovering wat is best for you. Tell him you love him as always, but you want to be so sure how much he loves you........

Good luck...

April 26, 2011 - 9:52am

You sound like a very loving, forgiving and caring person. You deserve better than to be cheated on. I think, you should find someone else to give your affections to. Someone deserving of someone as wonderful as you are.

April 15, 2011 - 2:42pm

Figured it was way past time for an update.
I caught him starting to message another female by text. Called her and confirmed it. I had all his stuff packed up and a friend beside me for moral support. This was about 3 weeks ago now. He came home from work and we had a discussion about everything. He tried to deny it at first, but finally admitted to it. I once again let him stay, but with certain conditions. He MUST go see a counselor, talk to me every day, let me know how things are going, and answer any questions I have about internet/computer/phone usage without snapping at me.
Last night, I asked him about why he's not been intimate or anything with me again, it's been awhile. He stated he's just been tired. But, when we went to bed, I brought the topic up again. He said that it's him and nothing to do with me. That he's just not interested in sex anymore. Not with me, not with anyone. He said he still loves me, as more than a friend (I asked him to specify) and that he wants to be with me. He says he still finds me attractive, but just isn't interested. He's mentioned wanting to get married in a couple years, but only when he's been drinking. When I ask him to talk about what's bothering him, what the problem is, he says it'll just upset me, and won't say anything further. I know he didn't mean to upset me by saying he wasn't interested in me, but it hurt that he said it.
Most days I'm lucky if I even get a friendly hug from him. Typically he comes home from work, asks how my day was, then gets into his video games. I go to bed earlier than him, and when he comes in, he just rolls right over and goes to sleep.
Every morning, since I leave 2 hours earlier than him, I give him a goodbye kiss and tell him I love him. I was feeling extremely down a couple days ago and just kinda said 'bye' from the doorway. He got a bit upset and insisted on the kiss and hug goodbye. He makes sure to tell me every morning that he loves me as well, and usually at least once every evening. The kisses to me just don't seem to mean much anymore, they're just a quick peck and nothing more. I've mentioned this to him, but he doesn't see anything wrong.
I'm really happy to have him around most days, but I still feel lonely even with him sitting next to me.
I guess I'm starting to get fed up with everything. I love him with all my heart, and could see myself happy with him. But it seems like I just keep feeling more depressed every day. I've gotten to the point that most nights I just lie there trying to fall asleep wishing I would never wake up again.
Part of me wants to kick him out, but another part is scared of what will happen if I do. I know I've got my own issues to deal with, but his seem to compound them.

April 15, 2011 - 1:54pm

I decided to join, Stick around. I should also add to my previous post (the tom cat).

The first time you snooped and found out he had this other affair going on, Should have honestly been the last time. All you really did was let him know that you're going to roll over every time he does it. So he keeps doing it. If you want to put a stop to it, Do it. Otherwise it wont stop honey. You're a beautiful woman, plenty of much more monogamous fish out there for you. Pro Tip- Dating sites aren't actually the best place. Some people are honestly looking for love, But thats rare in men at dating sites. Most are just looking for loving, not love. No offense to successful online relationships, as I'm in one now. But the evidence is out there.

February 7, 2011 - 4:57am
EmpowHER Guest

Speaking from someone who has been on the other side of this(Don't kill me ladies). This guy is just playing you, as well as all the other women. You may be sincerely interested in him, but from the patterns you speak of, He's just talking jive to you. Telling you what he knows you want to hear. I've done this numerous times before I finally found my one an only, and honestly, its hard for me to not chase the women I see in the mall, online, etc. We are a very hard to tie down breed, and this guy doesn't seem to be ready yet. If you want a serious relationship, Toss him. I would want you to toss me if you wanted a serious relationship, when I used to be a tomcat.

Again, Ladies, I've changed, I'm a one woman man now, please don't kill me, Im on the good side now.

February 7, 2011 - 4:37am


Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I can definitely relate to what you're going through. With that said, I am wholeheartedly sorry to hear you're in this predicament.

Relationships will always have their ups and downs -- People are not perfect, nor do we live in a utopia where everything always goes right. It's a matter of deciding for yourself what you can and what you can not handle. I'm sure your current partner has his fair share of good qualities; there is certainly a reason why you love him so much, but he obviously has misgivings as well. Everyone is like that. However, it's entirely up to you and what you are willing to sacrifice for those good qualities. In my own opinion, I believe you've put up with too much at this point. Every woman (and man!) deserves to be loved as purely as possible: to ALWAYS have it be just you, no one else, as far as your partner's romantic interests go. When things as fundamental as trust, fidelity, and faithfulness are not present in a relationship, I don't think it's worth sacrificing anything for.

As a sympathetic reader, I must express my regrets once more that you have been put in this predicament. I know what it's like to be hurt by someone but have it hurt just as bad to let them go. It's ultimately up to you to decide what you want. Basing this only on what you wrote, I believe it's best for you to end the relationship, at least romantically. If he is really that special to you, it's okay to maintain a friendship, and you never know what the future holds: maybe you're right, maybe he will change. But for now, you deserve better, and moving on will only bring about recovery and open new doors for you. I wish you the best in whatever you decide, please keep us updated if you have the inclination. :)

Good luck!

January 13, 2011 - 11:45pm

hi daniemarie,
after reading your post i felt really sorry but most importantly i can't understand why you should be treated that way...all you've done for this guy is good and he's daft enough to treat you bad...girl he doesn't deserve you and i wonder what ego he's boosting by acting that way.....if i am asked i'll say u leave him for good cos i believe there are better guys who'll luv u genuinely....

January 12, 2011 - 8:15am

Hi Daniemarie,

I read your whole post. I'm sorry you are going through this. I feel that this most likely wont work out. I not physic or physcarist, or relationship expert. I am just an average person. Based on everything that happened, etc. I feel you would be best off moving on. I don't see how you can ever trust him to be completly honest & forth coming. It sounds like he only admits his wrong doings- when you catch him ( with his hand in the cookie jar). I understand you love him,.. You can always still care about him-which it sounds like you do. & have a place in your heart for him. But you can move on & be truly haPPY.. NOT ALWAYS WONDERING & worrying. I wish you the best.

January 11, 2011 - 8:55pm
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