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My fiance and I have been together for over 3 years and we have a daughter who will be 2 this April. He struggles with depression and our relationship is a constant roller-coaster ride. He's wonderful through the ups- helps around the house, is very sweet to me, etc. But that doesn't matter because when we go through the negative part of the cycle he's just not worth it. He just wants to lay on the couch or play on his cell phone, acts like he's 15 years old, is a complete jerk and when I confront him about it he tells me it's my fault. He takes medication for the depression, but isn't as consistent as he should be. And when we argue during the lowest lows, it just isn't a good situation for anyone. He says very hurtful things to me during these arguments, completely toys with my emotions, and even threatens suicide. I refuse to let my daughter grow up in a household like this and refuse to be emotionally abused myself, and have told him that changes need to be made or I'm going to leave. And I know I should!
My problem is putting my words into action. I need to get out. But like a lot of women who I know have gone through this I wind up thinking and feeling things like "I don't want to end the relationship because I love him" or "Even though it's not my fault, I'd feel responsible if he did commit suicide." It's as if he's two people in one. I'm so very in love with and had a whole future planned with one half of him, but I know that I can't have the other in my life. I've made plans in my head to leave before, and I've threatened to many times... How do I just make myself DO it?
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Dear Missie,
I have a few questions for you to better try to help you...
What part of the country do you live in?
Are you afraid that he will harm you/your daughter/or himself if you leave him?
It seems as though your mind is made up about leaving him since you have been dealing with this for a while now. So, suggesting intensive therapy just wouldn't help the situation because of the lack of consistency on his behalf, correct?
Because of his suicide threats and lack of respect for you, I would definitely get some professional help as far as actually pulling through with the decision to leave. Do you also have a therapist? If not, I think that with the emotional abuse he has burdened you with you would benefit from having a professional listen to you.
Before you leave though, please help him get hospitalized for the suicide threats. I know that sometimes we think that people say empty threats, but in a down-and-out moment where his fiance and daughter have left him-- suicide is not out of the question especially when he has told you that he will do it.
Once he has been helped with his suicidal thoughts, then I think either you can give him one more try if you love him or you can then decide that it is time to move on with your daughter.
I am going to try to get others to give you some more input on your situation and I'm very sorry you're going through this at the moment.
January 20, 2010 - 6:31amThis Comment