Facebook Pixel

My boyfriend doesnt want to have sex with me anymore...

By January 11, 2010 - 9:35am
Rate This

Ok this is a long long story..
I was molested as a child multiple times by someone close to me.
When I met my boyfriend I confided in him about it and it upset him greatly.
Well at first we didnt do anything sexual at all, but eventually it happened.
Recently we have had sex every day. But this week my boyfriend started a new job and when he got home he would call and he said that I didnt act happy when he called. Like I didnt really want to talk to him. But I do. So last night we were talking and he said that he thinks we should not do anything sexual. He started remembering what I told him about my past. He tried to call off sex before and neither one of us was strong enough to resist each other. So when he called it off last night I tried to tell him we didnt need to and that I dont ever think of my past anymore. That he makes me so happy that I forget that all that bad stuff ever happened. And he still didnt want to have sex with me ever again, I got mad because he wouldnt open up to me about it he just said "no more sex". And when I got mad he thought that I would fight for sex more than I do for our relationship. And that isnt true, I just dont want to say we will never have sex again because its more than just physical to me, and he said that he still wants to have sex with me but he will not do it, that when we want it we will have to "pleasure ourselves" and just think about the other one. And I told him if that was the case I dont want to do it because I only want it with him. I tried to convince him that we still could, I just hate when he says we cant do it but wont tell me why. We have been together for over a year and I dont understand why he cant tell me and why he doesnt want to have sex with me, I know he loves me and we want to get married and have a family, He said that he will only have sex with me when we start our family and just enough to get pregnant... The more he says we cant the more I want to and he feels like I am pressuring him into it. I just dont know what to do. I told him I will be sweeter and everything and happier when he comes home from work like I used to be in the beginning. And then I asked if he will have sex with me when we work on our relationship and he says that hes not going to talk anymore because thats all I am worried about. Which isnt true I just want things back to normal is all. UGH I dont know what to do. I just need some advice...

Add a Comment1 Comments

Hi, Loveydovey,

Welcome to EmpowHER, and thanks so much for writing.

I get the idea from your post that you are very unsure as to what happened in between the time when having sex was fine and the time when your boyfriend said he didn't want to do it any more. Is that right? All you mention is that he got a new job, and then that you were talking one night. Do you think the new job has anything to do with this? Might he have confided in someone at work about your past and gotten a negative reaction, for instance?

How old are you, Loveydovey? And how old is your boyfriend?

Is this your first consentual sexual relationship?

Have you ever seen a therapist about the sexual abuse you endured as a child?

That sort of abuse as a child affects us for years and years, Lovey, even in ways we aren't aware of. We act differently around men, we have lower self-esteem, and often we have less confidence in the decisions we make in our lives. It's also common to blame yourself for things that are simply not your fault.

Because he said no more sex, you can't stop thinking about it. And because you keep bringing it up, he keeps being more and more emphatic about it. But he's never told you why, right? This is not a healthy situation, Lovey. If he were more mature, he would be able to talk about why he has changed and be sensitive to why this is important to you. Instead, he makes you feel worse for loving the intimacy you two had.

And your response is that you should try to be sweeter and happier? As if it is your fault? And to still want to marry someone who has told you he never wants to be intimate with you except to get pregnant?

Please, Lovey, consider getting some counseling here -- just for yourself. Back off on the sex talk for now, because it isn't getting you anywhere. Tell yourself that for at least a month (yes, a month) you will focus on doing good things for yourself. Find a counselor, and make a first appointment with her or him. Take bubble baths. Go out with your girlfriends. Spend time with your boyfriend, but don't bring up sex. If he brings it up, tell him you need to know the reason why he changed this way. Don't cry or make it your fault -- just be mature and ask for the information.

Somewhere in here there's a missing piece of information, and nothing will get better unless he's honest about it with you. Unfortunately, it takes two people to fix a problem -- not just one. And life is too long to spend it with someone who puts limitations on it without explanation.

January 12, 2010 - 9:40am
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Relationships & Family

Get Email Updates

Relationships & Family Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!