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As a birthday present I received an expensive rabbit vibrator from my boyfriend. I am not sure what to do about it. Usually I am comfortable with this sort of thing, but for some reason I am really angry about receiving this as a gift. Maybe because it isn't the sort of gift you usually get on your birthday, or it wasn't romantic. Also when I first got it I thought to myself that it had to be a gag gift. For some reason it makes me feel uncomfortable, like he is too lazy to have sex with me and he is gave me a replacement. To me this gift doesn't really say I love you. It also seems a strange choice of gift as we have been having some problems in the bedroom, like being out of sync or stressed out due to our jobs. I also wished he would have asked me about it before hand. It seems like an impulsive purchase and that he didn't give it any thought. The vibrator is also much bigger in size than I would have picked for myself. Is it bratty of me to also be angry because when he asked me what I wanted I told him, jewelry or flowers?
I also feel like my fault because about a week before my birthday I went out with a friend and had a couple drinks. She wanted to stop by the sex shop so I went with her. We ended up talking to the owner about the rabbits and he pulled them out o the case for us to look at. I later came home telling my boyfriend all about these expensive vibrators that spun, twisted and lit up saying OMG we have to get one. However I wasn't entirely serious about it. My friend and I we were just being giggly girls and I think the fact that I thought they were so out there and the alcohol is why I told him about them. We are now stuck with it because sex toys can't be returned. The first time I tried to talk to him he got defensive.
I am not sure how to deal with it or tell him that this is not what I wanted.
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Wow---I have a totally different perspective--I think this is a great gift!
I am sorry you are upset, but I do see some assumptions made on your part that may be inaccurate (and help you not feel so betrayed, if you look at them differently).
You are assuming that your boyfriend gave you this gift because:
- he/it isn't romantic
- it's more of a gag gift
- he's too lazy to have sex with me
- gift doesn't say I love you
- impulsive gift without any thought
May I respectfully offer another viewpoint? If you are hurt by this, you have every right to your feelings, but since you asked...I wanted to give you another opinion. Many women would see this gift as very romantic, sensual, exotic and intimate.
We receive so many concerns from women who are angry that their male partner is not open to talking about sex, their needs and desires, will not try different things or is just interested in himself/his fulfillment...that your boyfriend is definitely trying to make your sex life fun, interesting, fulfilling for both of you! Plus, he listened to what you said you wanted---he really can't read your mind if you didn't mean what you said--and as Diane pointed out, he actually went through the trouble and embarrassment to buy you a sex toy. If you wanted the gift presented in a different way, I'm not sure a gift receiver can be that choose-y (would he have bought you the wrong kind of flowers or jewelry...many men hesitate and can't pick out the right kind of jewelry since it depends on personal taste.) Would you have been irritated at him, regardless of the gift, if you are having some relationship turbulence right now?
I'm not sure why you were uncomfortable with receiving the gift, unless he gave it to you at a public birthday party? That I could understand; I'm hoping he gave you the gift when you two were alone?
Lastly, since you are having some troubles in the bedroom, this may be his way of communicating with you that he is trying, wants to get to know what you like, try something new...it sounds to an outsider that he was very thoughtful about the gift!
November 12, 2009 - 1:20pmThis Comment
Thank you for your reply but I don't think I explained myself well enough. I have no problem with sex toys. I have a cute little vibrator with flowers and I love it. But this thing that I received is a vibrating 12" dildo with some serious girth. It wasn't just any old sex toy. It was not my style and not something that I am comfortable with. It is much bigger than any penis I would ever want inside me. I just wanted to know how to talk to him about it and tell him what I was feeling.
November 23, 2009 - 10:04amThis Comment
Anon,
Thank you for the clarification. It helps a lot.
We all have different styles, but if it were me, here is what I would do. I would find a time when both of us seem to be in a good mood (but not in the bedroom), and I would bring it up. I would probably say, "Can we talk about something private?" And when he says "sure," I'd say "well, I'm a little embarrassed about it," and I'd wait for him to say something. He'll probably say something like, "don't be embarrassed," or "tell me, what?" And then just say it. Say, "I love the fact that you listened to me and went shopping for a sex toy, but it's too big for me and it makes me uncomfortable, and I haven't been sure how to tell you that without hurting your feelings." And see where it goes from there?
Does that have any possibility of success for you?
November 24, 2009 - 9:49amThis Comment
Anon,
I see why you're upset. You hoped for a sparkly or floral birthday, romantic and sweet, and instead got a present that disappointed you and that comes with a bit of baggage (i.e. the current bedroom problems).
But looking at this as an outsider, I can so see how it happened. A week before your birthday, you come home saying "OMG we have got to get one" to your boyfriend, about a sex toy. He's a man! They jump at opportunities like this!!
He may have had to summon his courage to buy it, too -- entering the shop, seeing the variety, choosing one, paying for it. All the while he was imagining two things: your happy face when you opened the present, and the fun times in the future that the toy seemed to imply.
There's no real fault here. It's an unfortunate set of circumstances created by your fizzy enthusiasm over something you'd just seen. I can understand why you are disappointed; I can also understand why he was defensive the first time you brought it up.
Has enough time passed yet that the two of you can see this as just a little humorous? Or are you afraid it's going to hurt your relationship further because of the underlying meanings you attribute to the gift?
November 12, 2009 - 9:54amThis Comment