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My boyfriend masterbates while I'm sleeping

By November 30, 2011 - 6:24pm
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Hello. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night because the bed was shaking. At first, I didn't really know what was going on because it took my senses a while to come back to me. The television was still on and all the lights were off, but my boyfriend was shaking the bed. I started to ask him what the hell he was doing, but before I completely turned my head I saw his shadow on the wall. He was masterbating vigorously. I didn't know what to do or say so I just continued to lay still and quiet to try to let him finish. Well 25 minutes later I'm still laying there waiting for him to finish. We had already had sex three times that day so I was very confused as to why he was up masterbating. I felt two very different emotions at the same time...confusion and excitement. I'm not sure which one I felt more, but they both were very powerful. As I lay there listening and slightly watching him, I was getting excited. I have never seen him do it before, and since he didn't know I was watching he was very into it. Eventually he abruptly stopped masterbating so I closed my eyes and pretended to be sleep. Then I felt him roll over closer to me and start to take my pants off. He then proceeded to have sex with me. Well it didn't last very long (because he spent most of his time masterbating) so I got very frustrated. I wanted to know why he would get himself almost to the edge and then "wake me up" to finish. I felt that was a very selfish thing for him to do because I couldn't get any enjoyment out of it. For a couple of minutes I said nothing because I really didn't want him to feel embarrassed knowing that I saw him masterbating. As I lay there I got more and more frustrated so I said something to him.

Unfortunately he got an attitude and the conversation turned into a heated disagreement. He said that he just wanted to have an orgasm and figured he would give himself one. He also said that sometimes he doesn't climax when we have sex and he doesn't know why so he tries to masterbate it out later. I became even more confused because if that was the case he would not have turned over and had sex with me to finish himself off.

I guess my question is...is this normal? Do guys do things like this often? How should I feel about this? We never really finished our conversation because he got mad at me and then I got mad at him. I told him it was rude to do it laying right in the bed next to me, and even ruder to "wake me up" without caring about the fact that I was getting no pleasure because he was already almost done. What should I do?

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EmpowHER Guest

What should I do? Yesturday night I was in the mood but my boyfriend didn't wanna have sex with me so we watched a movie instead I had a weird feeling so I pretended I was sleeping he leaned over me to check then turned the TV down an went into the closet I seen that he was on his phone an I heard wet noise's so I layed still for a few mins i seen him keep peeking out at me I got up an caught him master bating i said what the fuck u jacking off to an he says nothing so I rushed over to him to see an he Hurry's an back out so I check his phone nothing on history no messages or anything an I said my last time telling u or I'm leaving what was u jacking off to he says a picture of u wearing a white dress. So Should I beleave him?

December 15, 2017 - 4:41pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon
It's pretty likely your boyfriend was masturbating to porn. But it's up to you to accept his word, or not.

December 18, 2017 - 5:06am
EmpowHER Guest

There is something absolutely not normal here in your story and same in the comments I have been reading. We had similar problems in the past but thank God now that we have both been born again spiritually our sex life has become normal, not out of control, we had too many demos of lust in us out of control. We even got married to set everything right with the Lord

Seek the Lord, call upon His name
Seek what means to be born again.

September 11, 2017 - 11:31pm
EmpowHER Guest

You guys are all in denial. And you know it. If he isn't having much sex with you, and hiding the fact he's mesturbating or even not allowing you to join.. Any of those circumstances, even if he's using you to finish off, he doesn't want you anymore. It's sad but it's the truth. You wouldn't be posting here looking for a positive answer if something wasn't really wrong. Sex brings two people together on a whole nother level, and is the most intimate/connection you can be with each other. If one of you would rather masturbate than have sex with you then I'm sorry but that means that connection and desire is gone. Yes masturbation feels different than sex but I, and anyone in love prefer sex way more. Or if anything to masturbate each other or masturbate and then go into a quick sex session. Also masturabtion js usually when the person wants to imagine and think of someone or something other than you. Why would they masturbate about you if your right there? No. They are doing it bc they are thinking of someone or something else or watching porn. In my old relationship I would masturbate a lot because I am vey sexual and lost all desire for the woman I was with. When I had desired and loved her dearly I was too excited and we would go at it constantly, after we both changed and sort of grew apart and she nagged and basically just weren't in love anymore, I masturbated as frequently as possible when I could to think about anyone but her. Even next to her so I can have fantasies involving her in a way of cheating on her or humiliating her (what I think your men are doing when masturbating next to you, knowing you know. To humiliate you secretly just like I and other friends have admitted to) but with the woman I am married to now, geez...that stuff sounds so horrible and miserable. I have sex with her whenever I possibly can, and I don't really masturbate anymore even though I used to all the time and have a high sex drive. Or if I do, it's in front of her, encouraging her to help me or masturbate with each other. Sometimes In the morning or night when she for some reason isn't home I will go at it, but usually asking her for pics and thinking about her or a 3 some. But that's pretty rare and like i said, isn't a secret and usually involving her. That's love and that's desire and that's how it should be. Your situations scream my old relationship only kinda worse for some posts...the guys commenting are just douche bags like your bf trying to convince you nothing is happening. A couple guys even said your "delusional" look up "gas lighting" that's what your bf and these men commenting are doing to you. PLEASE look it up. It is a manipulative behavior men do that is a huge red flag to leave. They do something that obviously hurts you and isn't okay, you confront them with genuine feelings, they turn the situation around somehow like you did somehing wrong and they are in the right and you are left confused and feeling somehow to blame.thats Gas lighting. And your not crazy or wrong, that's why your on this post your not crazy. He is. He's manipulative and unfortunately does not desire or love you and this is a sign to get the hell out before it's worse or he cheats if he hasn't already. Take this as a good thing that your senses came on and you learned this sooner than later. Your gut knows what's going on, your subconscious does too. But he keeps assuring you that your wrong, it's time to come to reality that he is wrong. The relationship is dead. Maybe if he admits to gas lighting and is willing to fix his problems with you and admits to everything, and it seems genuine and the whole truth... Like for instance maybe the pregnancy turns him off and he does not desire you but willing to admit it and work on it and have better communication and honesty with youu and you see improvement then that's the only way.. You not only have a manipulative douchebag for a boyfriend who has no respect for you and obviously has some fewer psychological issues but he's also untrustworthy and lacks communication skills. That's pretty much everything that makes a relationship, which you don't have or have the opposite of, why the hell are you staying with that??? That's not even a relationship. Sounds like you women are scared to be alone or too comfortable or having a kid seems to assure you staying with such a disaster but let me tell you it doesn't. If you do still love him then this will be hard but you gotta leave him, but I kinda figure most of you think you love him but you don't, your just not used to anything else and he's your life now. Leave him and see what happens, seeing that most of these men are manipulative he may use that to try and get you back and things might be different for a little bit, but they will go back to the same. My wife used to also have a boyfriend like you all are describing and it scared me because that was me at one time, same situation different story. And she's so happy now, she was miserable then and constantly questioning everything because the bastard took her confidence, happiness and stability away. That's what their plan is though. Do yourself a favor and listen to your gut feeling and get out! I'm sure there are plenty other google searches "is this normal, is this okay, does he still love me" the answer is NO. Everyone you see on these forums combining you otherwise is just trying to convince themselves the same thing. If nothing was wrong why are ou so doubtful? Why do you feel sick to your stomach and confused? Why are you unhappy? Why do you wuestion him or your relationship? Why aren't you having sex and he's keeping secrets and lying to you?? Why are you miserable. You know why. Stop going by what he's making you believe, or what the past is telling you. How you remember him and the love you had. Listen to the present. Who he is right now, what the relationship is now...all those demons and feelings and questions you have I stated above. That gut feeling. Listen to ALL of those signs. People change unfortunately, love goes away, true colors show. You don't even know a person they say until 2 years and fully know them in about 5. People mistake the infactuation phase as love when love doesn't happen until you stay with the person after those feelings go away. The point is, listen to the now and not the then. He's not the same, and he's taking you down with him. Especially if your about to bring a kid into this world, don't put that child through the same shit. He will use his manipulation to twist that child's view and hurt you both. This isn't just about sex. At all really. And you know it. Don't be like my aunt who went through this and 35 years later just now leaving him because she's tired of the manipulation and other women and misery. The family and eveyone knew long ago, but she wouldn't listen to her gut and her family. And now she's 50 some years old, alone and broken. Even her children believe their daddy because he's manipulative and good at it. Yet he critizes them to the point they break, and ditches them for young dates always with an excuse. Who knows what else, everything in that side of the family is a secret and lies. Do you want that? Trapped and eventually alone and ditched if you don't do it now he will eventually. When us men start to lose all respect along with any feelings and desire for you, and can manipulate you and know you will never leave us because we have you confused and wrapped around our pinky...we will use that as much as we can, and once we see how far we can go we will test it further and further until we are cheating blatantly in front of you. Or for some cases beating you. It's sad world but it's common and it's the truth. I'm glad I changed my ways due to finding a woman who made me question everything and I got into therapy for what made me into who I was. But theese men will not change for you. Your not that women unfortunately and for a lot it's a lost case, there isn't any "that women" out there for them. Just a bunch of toys to use and manipualite and trade for younger ones. You may think I'm shitty for what I admired to, but the truth is it's very common. I'm just genuine and admitting to it all. The whole "it's so hard to find a real man" thing is completely true. Think about it, so many women have a mood disorder or personality. Most actually. So what, us men are just immune to that? No. We hide it and lie. We have just as many problems if not more. But we don't see doctors or admit to them, and they do not interfere with many lives. Infact most men love it and use their problems to their advantage like your men and like my friends and my aunts ex and my dad.....LEAVE before your another victim. Take it as a learning life lesson. You'll now know what to look for in the next men and the red flags before your feelings get involved. Remmeber the "it takes a year or two to know someone"....it will be unintentional, but when your on their bad side or just by slip on accident...their true colors will show and you must pay close attention when they do, because it's not just an accident or "I've never acted like that, or I'll never do that again" it is who he is, and it will be much more prevalent later on in the relationship. Watch for the signs ladies, and trust your gut and instincts...

July 11, 2017 - 11:31am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I only read half of your comment but I freaking love you for this!!! Do you have like a single twin brother who thinks like you? If so, send him my way haha. Thanks for the honest truth! Kudos! Your wife is lucky!

April 7, 2019 - 5:57pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)


I really needed to read all that. I have lived for almost 5 years with a man like that. It started 2 month in in our relationship, at the same time he said he loved me for the first time. I woke up a couple of hours after, what i thought was good sex and thought he enjoyed it too, masturbating right beside me. He tried to hide what he was doing and excused himself suffering from sexosomnia and said he had no clue that he was even doing that.
We were very, very much in love in the beginning (at least i was) and i chose to believe him. At the same time i informed him about the fact that i already had been in 2 long relationships where my lovelife had been everything but fulfilling and in the end sex had been unexisting and that i did´nt wanted that to happen again. I also informed him that 1 of these men rather masturbated than having sex with me and that he had also humiliated me, spit me in my face, beat my dog and would beat me if i made anything wrong, in his oppinion. And that i had suffered from PTSD, depression and anxiety attacks after that relation.
He looked me deep into my eyes and made a promise that that would not happen again!
After that i red all i could find about the subject to learn more and find a way to accept this odd behaviour and to reduce my anxiety attacks that awoke again with it. I wish i had been stronger and more clear- sighted back then and left at that point, but i had never been so in love before and i really thought that we could solve all our problems with communication and unadulterated truth. We talked about the importance of beeing completly true with each other and since we both have aspergers, i believed he could not lie, just like me.
He continued with his nighttime habits, but trying to be more discreete. I noticed he hid himself with his blanket if i walked in our bedroom when he was asleep or just quickly rolling over on stomach pretending to be asleep. When i asked about and why he was hiding from me he persistently said that i was wrong. Soon his will to be intimate with me started to decline and this was just after 6 months and he justified it that he had a low sexdrive despite he masturbated every night beside me, sometimes repeatedly. He also blamed it on his small penis and erectile dysfunction. I tried the best i could to be understanding and supportive and comfort him.I told him that size didn´t mather to me and that i actually was happy he was not so big since it can hurt like hell if they go too deep.
I again studied the topic trying to look for solutions and i, with his permission, ordered cialis so he could feel like the man he always wanted to be.
But still i woke up night after night with him masturbating with his hand on my butt, squeezing. When i tried to cuddle up and participate in his activities he just froze and "went back to sleep". Sometimes he even got mad "in his sleep" and pushed me away. As soon as my breathing went back to slow sleeping mode he started all over again and when i noticed and tested this correlation to be completly sure, my anxiety got worse and i felt assaulted by his squeezing hand.
I had panic outbursts every night, fell down in a deep dark hole called depression, started to mistrust my own perception. I begged for the truth, cried and wanted him to love me like before- thats when he started saying that he wanted to leave me. We had been a couple for 10 months at that time. :(
Since my whole life has been destructive and filled with violence, even my parents used to assault and battery me as a small child. I´m so used to be mistreated that i no longer can identify it. In a small amount of time my close ones can break me and my self-confidence into molecules.
Tragic but true. :/
He just left home and said that he no longer wanted to be with me and disappeared in 6 hours leaving me alone with my daughter and the anxiety from hell. My father left home 2 weeks before my 17th birthday and was found dead a week later. He commited suicide. A major trauma in life. Therefore i have difficulties when peole just leave for an indefinite period. He knew this and couldn´t care less. It was always his point of view that counted.
Now i was completely broken as a person and one day he drove me up to the psychiatric ER. I got the best help and a long term contact to talk to. I got my diagnoses asperger and adhd, combined type, along with depression and anxietydisorder. I tried a lot of different antidepressives, gained a lot of weight, 40 kilos over the next 12 months. Then he started to desire me again, wanting me to gain even more weight. He preferred Big Beautiful Women. Our second summer together i felt beautiful and loved. <3
But when i hardly managed to walk my daughter to school and weighed over 105 kilos i said stop. I have to take care of my health in order to be there for my daughter.
In the beginning he told me he was into fetischsex and porn. He showed me pictures and films so i could get a grip of what he was into. I´m very openminded and tries not to be judgemental so we started very early to explore his fetisches. Some of them really nasty and nothing for me, but i did it anyway because i loved him and wanted him to fulfill his urges and dreams with me. Others wasn´t that bad at all. Some i even started to like a lot. :)
Our second and third year was loving and we experimented a lot in bed. I tried to handle his nighttime masturbation and my panic the best i could by leaving the bedroom and go sleep in our guestbed.
But i cried and moaned a lot, got pissed off, shouted and slammed doors. And chainsmoked on the balcony. All along i felt that something wasn´t right between us even though he told me the opposite every time i brought it up. Though he is very carismatic and cinvincing when he need to.
I could no more believe in his explanations about sexosomnia, because his behaviour got more and more insidious. He changed his pattern every time i brought it up to discussion. Trying to hide it from me and make me doubt my own perception and sanity. Severe gaslighting i would say. I got very suspicious, scared, controlling, i started to do my very best to catch him in the act and behaved like crazy sometimes.
Next spring he was more distanced than before and i noticed he had started gazing at other women/girls. I´m almost 11 years older than him and felt very hurt when he looked at girls almost 20 years younger than me, and of course fatter than me. Our sexlife was almost like duty for him. Lack of feelings, love, laugh and sensualism. I started to feel like all the sweet and loving things his mouth uttered was nothing more than words. They came not from his heart. He was not connected with me any more.
Oh, I wish i could have been stronger. :(
He could not admit that he almost undressed other girls with his eyes. I told him that i he could look as much as he liked when alone, but when out and around with me he should respect me enough not to. Then he started to look at them on the sly after checking where i had my attention. So sneaky... It made me even more saddened.

And it kept on like that. 4,5 years in total. Severe gaslighting, lack of empathy, making me the problem and a lot of drama almost always including separation and an emotional reunion. Almost like he had have this drama to get attracted to me at all. His nightly masturbation and pornconsumption increased to the point that i could not be around him. I slept in my daughters room and he was angry that i didn´t sleep with him... WHY?

This summer i started to deal with him in different ways than before. I got stronger and could not take his lying, masturbating and him denying me a normal happy sexlife any more. Nor did i believe him when he said that my mental health were worsening again. He wanted me to believe that so i would start doubt my own sanity and perception again, i think.
He could not get me anymore! I think this made him so mad that he was suddenly the one slamming doors and shouting.
And then, the day after my daughters birthdayparty, he said he wanted a divorce. Just days after he had explained his deep love for me and planning building a house and telling me his fear of me letting go of him.
I first didn´t believe him. I have heard that frase so many times, so i took it for the usual drama. But no, this time he meant it for real. He said he didn´t recognize his own behaviour any more... That´s because he copied mine when angry and anxietyridden to make me understand how hurt he felt when i rather slept on the couch than letting him have his sick fettisch beside me at night.
He say he still love me, but not in a romantic way and he want to be my friend. Oh, so very noble of him... To me it sounds like he wants to eat the cookie and still have it. He still wants to inform me about work and friends like before and then disappear in front of his porn getting his dopamin kicks. He also likes to watch me when talking to me in the kitchen and unnoticed (he think) masturbate with his hand in his pocket...
I think he is a sick, sick disturbed mixup of antisocial behaviourproblems and narcissism. All my friends blame it on the asperger, but most aspies i know have feelings. This guy don´t. He also say that he learnt a lot from me and that he is now the updated version 2.0. That scares me, because when i try to talk to him about our divorce i understand he hasn´t learned a shit. Studying me just gave him more tools when manipulating people.

And now his emotionless mother can nurse him again. I bet she would still like to breastfeed him if she could. I wonder if narcissism and antisocial behaviour is inherited. His mom is so remarkable and you get the feeling that she is looking down at you. And just the fact that she never under theese years have asked anything about me, my past life and experiences maked me think she is just the same and that´s why he still is mommy´s little babyboy.
It makes me sick thinking about how he called her darling in front of me, how they held hands when out strolling, how she almost started to cry when i first met her because she "had always thought that it would be just them ´til the day she died."
How he tells her everything about our relation and calls her on the phone several times every day. How he tells her about his sexual problems like the "sexosomnia" and ED. And how her oppinion is most important. She controls and supervise him all the time and treats him like he is the centrum of the universe. She said to me that it was probably very tough for him handeling the fact that he needed to share my attention with my daughter. SICKENING!

September 16, 2017 - 9:32pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm sorry I have did that before but I always finished my lady off very hard and then I got mine and she told me that she loves how I finish her off very hard than we get mine.

July 9, 2017 - 11:54am
EmpowHER Guest

It because he is horny and wants u but your asleep. Men need that love from there wives. But u girls are to tired to have sex. Also if he did wake you up you would probably say your tired go to sleep

June 27, 2017 - 9:08pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm going thru the same thing and don't know how to fix him being molested by the aunt and now I have to deal with it omg gaged and tied and sodimised help...

May 18, 2017 - 3:20am
EmpowHER Guest

My bf plays with himself during sex! Its weird he does it in a way that i cant see it he will play with me and go down on me then i notice hes under body is moving different from the movement when he touches me then i can hear hes getting excited or he will put a pillow between us and he will almost forget about me. Thats just one of the examples! If i say anything he tell me im crazy and im just obsessing about it i have ocd! It feels like he is getting off on the fact that i know he does it and i just keep quiet because he makes me feel bad about knowing! Hope this makes sense! What can i do

April 2, 2017 - 1:52am
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