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Hello. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night because the bed was shaking. At first, I didn't really know what was going on because it took my senses a while to come back to me. The television was still on and all the lights were off, but my boyfriend was shaking the bed. I started to ask him what the hell he was doing, but before I completely turned my head I saw his shadow on the wall. He was masterbating vigorously. I didn't know what to do or say so I just continued to lay still and quiet to try to let him finish. Well 25 minutes later I'm still laying there waiting for him to finish. We had already had sex three times that day so I was very confused as to why he was up masterbating. I felt two very different emotions at the same time...confusion and excitement. I'm not sure which one I felt more, but they both were very powerful. As I lay there listening and slightly watching him, I was getting excited. I have never seen him do it before, and since he didn't know I was watching he was very into it. Eventually he abruptly stopped masterbating so I closed my eyes and pretended to be sleep. Then I felt him roll over closer to me and start to take my pants off. He then proceeded to have sex with me. Well it didn't last very long (because he spent most of his time masterbating) so I got very frustrated. I wanted to know why he would get himself almost to the edge and then "wake me up" to finish. I felt that was a very selfish thing for him to do because I couldn't get any enjoyment out of it. For a couple of minutes I said nothing because I really didn't want him to feel embarrassed knowing that I saw him masterbating. As I lay there I got more and more frustrated so I said something to him.
Unfortunately he got an attitude and the conversation turned into a heated disagreement. He said that he just wanted to have an orgasm and figured he would give himself one. He also said that sometimes he doesn't climax when we have sex and he doesn't know why so he tries to masterbate it out later. I became even more confused because if that was the case he would not have turned over and had sex with me to finish himself off.
I guess my question is...is this normal? Do guys do things like this often? How should I feel about this? We never really finished our conversation because he got mad at me and then I got mad at him. I told him it was rude to do it laying right in the bed next to me, and even ruder to "wake me up" without caring about the fact that I was getting no pleasure because he was already almost done. What should I do?
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There isn't a whole lot that embarrasses my boyfriend, but I think you're absolutely right. He seems to be very embarrassed that I caught him, and probably even more embarrassed that I tried to lay there until he was done. Usually we communicate with each other very well unless one or both of us is extremely angry for some reason. Then we take a breather and try again another time. I learned from being married before how important it is to communicate with each other. I did make a point of telling him that if he is up late and in the mood I don't mind being woken up because I don't have to get up early (i work 2nd shift). I even went as far as telling him if he's in the mood and doesn't want actual sex that I'm willing to help him out in other ways because I want to keep him satisfied and happy. He seemed to be pleased to know that and happy to know that I am willing to do what it takes for him. I am so glad that you showed me a different way to look at his behavior instead of thinking about it so negatively. If it happens again I will definitely take your advice and take over, he would probably love it! I am actually very shy when it comes to sex, but being with him has helped me discover so many things about myself that I will do whatever it takes to keep things good with us. i thank you so very much for your advice and it's good to know that you and your husband can work with each other so well!
December 1, 2011 - 4:17pmThis Comment
i am glad i was able to help even a little! i am also very shy about sex as well as other things but i have learned to that a relationship is about honesty and trust and have opened up alot over the years to my husband we will be married 14 years this dec 31st and we still work on it everyday! i hope you and your boyfriend continue to be open and have a wonderful relationship and life together.
December 1, 2011 - 9:31pmThis Comment
You definitely were able to help and I am so very appreciative. I just had to tell my boyfriend today that he has to stop thinking that he is too "manly" to want hugs and kisses from me. I am not going to tease him or laugh at him, I will always embrace his love and affections and I hope he will always embrace mine. We have a pretty interesting relationship. We are complete opposites so we butt heads a lot, but we love each other so deeply that we just don't want anything but each other. Be very proud of your 14 years of marriage, there aren't many people that have made it that far these days. It's an inspiration for me because my marriage broke up after 7 years and that kind of made me rethink the whole institution of marriage. I always talk to my boyfriend and try to teach him the things that I learned while being married and I think that is why we are still together now. He understands that relationships are work and that just because we disagree that doesn't mean the world is about to end, it's just time for another compromise.
I think that as long as we have love, patience, respect, honesty and trust that we will be fine. I thank you for sharing your story with me and I know that you and your husband will enjoy your coming anniversary and many, many more!
December 2, 2011 - 5:23pmThis Comment
I'm not sure if you've ever been in a similar situation, but it's not exactly as easy as that. I did talk to him about it and the conversation didn't go well at all. We talked again, but he skipped over a lot of the things I wanted to discuss which made me think he was uncomfortable talking about it. I am not going to force him into talking about something that makes him feel weirded out.
He and I usually are able to talk about anything openly, including sex, but we've never really talked about masturbation much. He had actually told me previously that he stopped doing it. If the conversation embarrasses him, I don't want to push him. I was upset that night and probably would be again if it happened again, but I don't want him to feel dirty or nasty because he is masterbating. I made a point of telling him that he didn't do anything wrong exactly by masturbating, I just didn't understand why he needed to do it after so much sex, and why would he think it's ok to do it in the bed next to me while I'm trying to sleep.
I was previously married for 7 years so I know a lot about communication and respect, but I'm with someone that is in his first adult relationship. I have to be mindful of that in certain situations.
November 30, 2011 - 7:05pmThis Comment
I don't know if this behavior is normal or not. Masturbation and sexual activity is generally a private matter and not something people speak about or share freely in general conversation.
If your boyfriend's behavior bothers you so much, then you need to let him know, again, and ask him not to do it when you are in the same room, awake or asleep.
A healthy relationship is based on communication and respect.
Maryann
November 30, 2011 - 6:38pmThis Comment