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I guess the best place to start is at the beginning. I am 23, a college grad and a full time teacher. My fiance is 24 and completing his last year in college. We met in college and for 1 year we were just friends, I didn't even know that he liked me. Finally one day he asked me out on a date and we have been together for 2 years now. At the beginning of our relationship I made it clear that I wanted to wait for sex (I was not a virgin) I just didn't want to rush into sex. He said he was fine with it, but later I found out that he wasn't because he told his sister about it and she decided it would be a good idea to talk to me about it. Fast forward a few months, we finally had sex, and it was great. We had sex everyday! After a year of being together we moved in together. Sex started to diminish a little after that. It went from everyday, to every other day, to once a week.
After I graduated we moved 50 miles north of where we were before (his suggestion) shortly after the move I started teaching. (I should mention that he commuted 50 miles south for school 3 times a week and 20 miles north for work 4 times a week) He works as well, but right now I am the primary bread winner. He works enough to pay his car note ($300) and help with a few things here and there, but as for the major things i.e rent, light bill, internet and cable bill- I pay those. We have been living in this new apartment for all of 4 months and during that time we have sex maybe 5-8 times total (And I am being generous with that number). It's very frustrating for me because I now have a high sex drive and he doesn't. He does not want sex at all! I buy sexy lingerie and he simply tells me that it looks nice. (who does that?) I try to talk to him about it, but he says it's not me it's him, he says that he is going through a phase right now where he doesn't want to have sex at all. When I suggest getting a vibrator for myself, he gets angry ( I guess that is a little selfish of me) but what am I to do? I cook, I clean, I work full time and I try to look nice yet nothing. Sigh. I need some advice. So unbiased advice. Am I doing something wrong?
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I'm glad that my response was helpful...I hope it was not too blunt?
I'm curious--have you had the deeper conversation with him, regarding the "why?". Have you let him know that by his choosing not to have sex, it makes you feel as though his love is slipping away? I think that is powerful...not used as manipulation, of course, but to let him know what it means to you. What can he do instead (and what can you do) as a couple to continue nurturing the love and affection in your relationship?
I hope to hear back from you, and wish you the best!
February 14, 2010 - 8:59amThis Comment
You were very blunt, but you know what, I think we all need that. I have found that a lot of people try to sugar coat most things because we confuse blunt with mean. I appreciate your honesty, it made me look at myself and re-examine what it is that I want from my relationship.
I have spoken to my fiance, I have shared some of my fears with him. I'm sad that he is at work right now. But in talking to him I realized that he has just as many fears and concerns as I do. For example I'm very excited about getting married, if it were up to me we would be married June 18th, and he is a little weary (not sure if that is best word, but that is what comes to mind)but he is a little weary of that because he feels like life is coming at him really fast. He graduates in May and I'm constantly talking about getting married in June ( just one month later), further more his mother is dying to be a grandmother and everyday she talks about it. Having a baby would not be the worst thing in the world but right now we are not ready for that, so the thought of sex also bring on the thought of a baby (such a turn off) So with that, school and work, sex seems to be the very last thing on his mind.
Sigh, I never realized that he had all of that on his mind, we really need to work on communication skills!
Another thing that you said earlier really stood out to me...you said that we need to have time together and time alone, but we really don't have much alone time. We are always with each other, his family talks about that all the time. I mean we have friends outside of each other, but when we are with them we are always with them together.
(it's amazing how it sometimes takes a complete stranger to open your eyes)
February 14, 2010 - 12:13pmThis Comment
Thanks
February 14, 2010 - 8:17amThis Comment
Hi,
This does sound frustrating, but is very common. Long term relationships do encounter "ebbs and flows" in regards to the frequency of intercourse, and this can actually be a healthy change for many couples. I am sure you have heard about the different types of love, and you may be entering into another phase/type of love...and moving out of the infatuation love. If this is the case, it does come as a shock, as the relationship is no longer defined by the raging hormones and desire to have sex everyday. Other things in the relationship start becoming important, too, and sex will lessen in frequency. It can be sad for some people to see this infatuation depart, as it is exciting and thrilling...but just not sustainable. What comes afterwards can be much more rewarding, satisfying and long-term.
The problem, of course, is that you are not happy. I'm glad to read that you spoke with your fiance about your concern, and his reply is, "it's not you, it's me". Why don't you believe this? Yes...there are many men in relationships who really do not want to have sex more than once a week, even if their partner is wearing lingerie. Stereotypes about men's "wanting sex all the time" or "all they think about is sex" is really doing a disservice to relationships, and we need to stop buying into those stereotypes, just as women we do not want stereotypes lingering around our sexuality ("we are the gatekeepers of sex" or "if we want/like sex, we are sluts" or "if we don't like sex, don't want to have sex, then we are prudish"). You get the idea.
What if what your fiance said is the truth? He really just does not feel like having sex at this time. What if he loves you, respects you, cares about you...and he is just emotionally and physically exhausted right now? Sex is not how they show it on TV; it can be some work for each partner to physically and emotionally meet the other's needs, and this can be kind of draining at times, especially if one person feels the burden to "make" the other one happy and fulfilled. What if he needs some time to recharge his batteries?
Have you had a deeper conversation with him, to ask the follow-up "why" ?
Also, why are you doing all of the housework? This could be another conversation (apart from the sex) that you would like to discuss sharing of responsibilities within the relationship.
Most importantly, do you feel that you both have good communication, and are showing signs of being physically intimate in other ways? Do you hold hands, kiss, smile at each other? Do you spend quality time together, apart, and alone?
A healthy relationship is defined not by the amount of sex, but if both people feel "heard" and understood. There is not a way to "make" him want to have sex with you at the moment; he was honest with you, and although you didn't like the answer, it is how he is feeling right now. I hope he extends the same understanding to you, if you are ever in a place where you feel the need to withdraw a little, and he will give you some space. You can tell him how you feel (not "threaten" with a vibrator...I can see why that made him angry. If you want one, get one and use it, but it does not need to be to "spite" him), and that the lack of physical intimacy between you two makes you feel a little insecure, or lost, or unloved. Ask him what he is able to do (go on a walk a few times a week instead?), so that you two can both compromise and meet in the middle.
Continue having conversations, even if they are difficult, and trust in what he is saying. He needs to feel that you value him, even if he does not feel like having sex (think of this in terms of gender-reversal...what if he was the female...you would not hear anyone telling you to "make" your female partner have sex with you!). What does he need to have his needs met at this time, and what do you need? What are his concerns, and what are yours? Same with fears and other emotions. You two may not agree and be able to meet the other's every need at the moment, but you can meet some of them, compromise, provide reassurance, love and support and your relationship can grow deeper, stronger, more trusting and supportive.
February 14, 2010 - 7:41amThis Comment
Wow..that was certainly a mouthful, but something I needed to hear. I guess on some level I feel as though love is slipping away because of the lack of sex, but that should not define our relationship. I think we are getting to a different point in our relationship. As I was reading your response I thought about different things that we do together and things that I would like to do with him. I do need to work on my insecurities if I want us to have a healthy marriage.
Thank you for the advice.
February 14, 2010 - 8:17amThis Comment