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My husband doesn't seem to want to make love to me anymore......

By March 1, 2011 - 12:18pm
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I am 41 and my husband is 48. He has Cardiomyopathy and Diabeties. I have had a heart attack with in the last 6 months and have Diabeties and High bloodpressure(was 210/111 pulse 139--high like that for 2 months or so, now more under control). We have been together for over two years but mid March we will have been married for 1 year. In the past year we have only made love 3 times from January to July then nothing until this past January which we did not make love he gave me pleasure. He said he was afraid of my bloodpressure. He says that he loves me as much as he did when we first were together. That he wants me as much as he has wanted me before but that he is unable to do everything to me that he wants to because of his health problems and because of mine.....What do we do? I feel unwanted and unloved quite alot and so very very angry at him because of it and I don't know what to do about it.

I can't even sleep in the same bed with him and just be held by him because of hotflashes. I have to have a fan on and he has to have the heat on. If he gets too cold his heart will hurt and he gets in alot of pain. Plus my 5year old step son sleeps in the bed with him during the winter months because he was a premie and his lungs weren't fully developed. He had to have the Rsp shots every month for 2 1/2 years for his lungs. He is 5 now and has asthma and in the winter has a really bad time with it. My husband is more secure with him in bed with him so he can make sure that he is covered up and warm and can get to him faster even though his own bed is in the corner of our room. I don't know what to do. My husband says that when the weather warms up he will be back in his own bed and I can be back in our bed. I don't feel like this is my room anymore or my bed. Infact our son refers to the room that I sleep in as mommy's room/bed.
When he goes to his mother's to stay on the weekends sometimes he sleeps in his own room there by himself. We did have him going to bed on his own and sleeping by himself until winter came and he got sick. How hard is it going to be to get him back over? How do I feel like I belong in here again? How am I to deal with my husband and my intimate issues, can anything be done about them?
I am sorry for going on and on and for having so much to say at one time. I just didn't know how to or where to stop it. I thank everyone for listening and welcome all responses.
Thank you.

Add a Comment3 Comments

Hi jmd,

You have very valid concerns, and I think you and your husband would benefit from a marriage counselor. I say this, not because I think you are "doomed"...but because of the opposite: I think you both can work to improve your relationship and create the marriage you both want with a little guidance. It sounds like there are simple solutions (perhaps not "easy" solutions) that need to be discussed with BOTH of you present, to a third party who can help facilitate conversation.

There are many emotional, mental and physical aspects that are all tangled up, and I truly believe a counselor is the person who could help you both, probably in just a few months. It sounds like your husband has some issues with "letting go", and trusting that his son will be OK without him. I don't believe you can even begin on the sex issues until this part is resolved; there is little you can do to get back into your own bed with this powerful struggle (the child will win, as this is the bigger tug-of-the-heart and insecurity).

I have a preemie son also (he is now 4 years old), and know the fear that comes along with the health issues. However, there is a time when a parent needs to let go and allow the child to be independent. I don't think you are in the best position to tell your husband this news, as a few things need to happen first:
a) he needs to hear from his son's pediatrician that his son can sleep alone
b) he needs to feel confident that he can identify and react to his son's signs and symptoms when/if he does need be monitored at night
c) he needs to feel heard without judgment about how scared he is, what he has gone through the last 5 years with his son, and not feel that he will need to change his actions....it is just to vent (he is responsible to you for changing his behaviors, but to a counselor, he could just vent with you hearing him, and then the counselor can skillfully move the venting into a productive discussion)
d) he needs to talk through his philosophy regarding the "family bed" and the pros/cons for everyone involved, as well as what his vision is for future "family bed" when his son is 6 years old....16 years old.... and all the in-between years

In the meantime, you can also begin reassuring your husband in healthy ways that you are healthy enough for sex and everyday living. You can begin exercising, meeting with a personal trainer who can get baseline stats on you (so you can see the progress), talking with a Registered Dietitian (R.D.) about a healthy meal plan, take healthy cooking classes and begin preparing new meals at home (they can be quick and inexpensive).

I think these two steps (calling a counselor and creating a healthy lifestyle plan for yourself) can begin a tremendous healing process for both of you. Perhaps your husband would even join you in exercising and healthy eating, and he would feel better about his health (you did not mention if his health is preventing him from the ability to keep an erection, or if he has low libido...these can all side effects of diabetes).

Please keep us updated!

March 1, 2011 - 1:13pm
(reply to Alison Beaver)

The pediatrician thinks that our son is sleeping in his own room/bed. And says that my husband my over react sometimes when it comes to his sickness. My husband stresses all weekend when our son is at his mothers' afraid that he is going to come home sick. And alot of the times he does come home coughing and things but then again he does go there with his asthma acting up. He doesn't feel that she is giving him his singular, vitamins, and pulmacourt nebulizer every day as he is supposed to have. Even though she says she is and the child says she is he doesn't believe it. I told him he can't blame her all the time for him getting sick. He is in public school, on a public school bus and a normal 5year old boy. That he could have been getting sick before he even went to her place. He goes Friday's at 5pm and we get him back around 11am on Sundays' unless he cries for us Friday night or Saturday and then it causes friction between my husband and his ex because she doesn't want to give in to the boy and take him home just because he wants his dad when it is her time to be with him.
I do see a therapist at MHMR but my husband will not go with me. My therapist does say some of the things that you have said. She has said that it isn't healthy for the child to be in the room or the bed at age 5. Especially when he has expressed excitedly that he wants his own room. I have told her that we just put in a full bath up here and that the playroom which is to be his room is more of a construction zone right now and not safe for him. That my husband has a heart condition and that the progress is slow on finishing the walls of the bathroom, and all materials are in the playroom. We do plan on having it finished and him moved in by this summer before school starts this fall.
Yes my husband cannot make love to me as much as he would like to because of health and medication issues. He has talked to his doctor about alternative meds to help with it but because of heart meds he has to be on he can not take the other medicine to obtain an erection as often as he would like.
I have told him that it isn't so much that we aren't making love but there is no intimacy at all. We do not lay in the bed and hold each other. He doesn't touch me or me touch him for the fact we are never in the bed together anymore. Yes we do hug and kiss each other through out the day but it isn't the same to me. Yes he has said that he can't wait until I am back in the room and in our bed again. I told him lastnight that I don't feel like we have a room or a bed anymore. That may have not been very nice but that is how I feel.
My therapist says that he choose his son over me when he said I couldn't have a fan on me because of staying so hot, which is why I moved out in the first place. When I told him that he said she was wrong that he didn't choose him over me. That he never told me to move out and didn't make me move out. I told him in a sense he did because he refused for me to have the fan on me when the childs' bed is across the room in the corner and he wouldn't have the air on him. So after two weeks of arguing about the fan and me suffering from sweating so much I just up and moved to the guest bed.
I didn't know what else to do. My therapist sees my side but my husband doesn't. He is the one who is right and I am the one who is wrong. He doesn't understand how I can be so hot as I am and says that nobody else gets like this. I told him that he doesn't know anyone who has gone through menopause then. Everyone I know was and still is like this from menopause. Even the doctor said he didn't know anyone gong through it and we see the same doctor.
I have had to have our doctor call him and tell him somethings because he wouldn't have believed it with just me telling him. And he still didn't believe it from the doctor. He said he knows what he is talking about and knows that he is right and that if I was honest with myself I would see it too.
I just don't understand. Our son's mother is half my husbands' age and he made love to her. Even when she came back the last time when he was 1 1/2 or 2 they made love for months until she left for good. I feel that maybe it is because I am not like her. I don't have a body like her, not young like her or the real mother of his child. Even though he says I am a better mother than she has ever been or ever will be. Something isn't right.....

March 5, 2011 - 11:50am
(reply to jmd)

It sounds like the "something that isn't right" is the lack of trust between you and your husband.

You are questioning so many things in this relationship, and your husband sounds like he has the upper hand in most situations and decisions in your household. You are even questioning his physical desire for you, compared to his previous relationship. That's not a good place to be!

Your husband most likely will not go to counseling. Why would he? He is getting everything he wants, and has excuses for everything else. There does not seem to be any motivation for him to go to counseling to make you happy, and you are becoming more resentful, disliking your own body, feeling put-upon, left-out and emotionally drained.

The seemingly lack of trust and communication between you two should be enough for him to want to seek counseling to improve the marriage. However, his behavior is showing you exactly what he wants and what he expects. Knowing this, unless YOU change the status quo, this is the marriage you will have.

Here are a few suggestions for things YOU can change, and your husband may start changing some of his behaviors (although, you can not expect him to):
1. If you are expected to be your step-son's mother, you have the responsibility of telling the Pediatrician all of the facts. You absolutely have the responsibility to let the Pediatrician know about any family conflicts/dynamics (in a compassionate way to help your son; with NO intention of "getting back" at your husband). You can ask for the Dr's recommendations on behavioral strategies to pursuing your son's interest in sleeping in his own bed every night.
2. You can ask your husband what his greatest fears are with his son, regarding his physical conditions in the middle of the night. Talk this over with your son's pediatrician, so you both hear the same strategies.
3. You do not need permission to have a fan on you. If your husband is too cold, he is welcome to sleep elsewhere. You have a right to your own bed, and can begin changing the sleeping arrangements.
4. Do you have heart-felt talks with your husband, asking what he thinks about his marriage with you? What does he like? What would he like to see improved? Really listen to understand what his ideal marriage is, and if he feels he has it.
5. You both can decide to have a weekly meeting to talk about the week, and discuss intimacy issues. What do you need/want from him? What does he need/want from you? How can you both compromise to get closer to meeting each other's needs?
6. You can also let him know that you do want to seek marriage counseling, as the trust issues between you two could be improved immensely with a third-person guiding you both.

Keep trying!

March 8, 2011 - 10:25am
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