My husband is no longer attracted to me.

By Anonymous July 1, 2011 - 3:09pm

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I don't know what to do. I've been with my husband for more than a decade and we've always had a decent sex life. It's never been intense or mind-blowing, but it was always good. Even at the beginning we probably had sex once a week at most. After kids our sex life almost disappeared for a while because we were both so tired and stressed, but it improved last year. We were back to sex about once a week and it was pretty good, even though he's never been very physically affectionate outside of the bedroom (despite repeated requests from me). And then, all of a sudden, our sex lives took a nosedive this year. The first time we had sex this year I aroused him but then he didn't want to "take his turn" arousing me. After I just laid there, motionless (waiting for him to make a move after I had done a lot for him), he finally made a few half-hearted motions before I gave up and just initiated actual sex. I was crying afterwards out of humiliation. When he asked me why I told him it was because it seemed like he didn't want to touch me. All he said was "Are you saying I don't love you?" before storming out of the bedroom in anger. We didn't have sex for two months, until we had a fight and worked out (on a superficial level) some of our issues. That make-up sex was pretty good but, after that, it was almost two more months before we had sex again. Once again, I initiated and began arousing him. He became very aroused and asked if I was ready to have sex (he had not touched me at all at this point). When I said no, he performed some half-hearted foreplay on me but lost any sign of physical arousal when doing so (it was like he had jumped in an ice bath). Once I aroused him a second time we were able to have sex, but that was the last time I was willing to put myself through that humiliation. Since then he hasn't initiated sex and doesn't even want to touch me, besides a peck on the lips when we kiss goodnight. At the same time, however, he keeps telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me, which only upsets me more because his actions don't line up with those words at all. I don't know what to think, and I hate that I now feel like I am completely unattractive just because he is clearly repulsed by my body. Please help!

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Maryann Gromisch RN Guide

I am sorry that your husband will not join you in therapy. But, at least you are getting professional help. I do hope that you find some answers or a course of direction in this matter.

July 4, 2011 - 4:17pm

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Maryann Gromisch RN Guide

Hi Anonymous,
This sounds like a situation that would benefit from counseling. As you mentioned, when you addressed the problem and your feelings with your husband, he left the room in anger.To be fair, I am hearing only your side of the story. Working together with a well-trained counselor who is trained or specializes in dealing with couples, you and your husband can work this out. At the very least, you might find out why your husband is suddenly not interested in being intimate with you. Wishing you success.

July 1, 2011 - 4:18pm