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I am a woman in love with a woman that has herpes. We haven't had sex yet so I need to know what options we have. I am currently in a very unhappy marriage and trying to work my way out of it. I desperately want her and cannot risk getting this disease under my current situation. Please help!
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I am a lesbian who has had general herpes for 17 years. I have had many long term and short term relationships, a completely normal (unprotected) sex life and NEVER passed it to a partner. I am aware of my body. I can feel an outbreak coming and abstain accordingly. You cannot get herpes on your hands and there is no need for paranoia about giving her oral sex. Since 50% of people were exposed to HSV 1 in childhood (most commonly causes cold sores) you may already have antibodies. If u feel you need to wrap this woman in plastic before touching her, walk away. It's hurtful to think that people can be so ignorant about a very common and relatively harmless skin condition.
February 14, 2013 - 8:31amThis Comment
You can still pass on herpes when you are not having an outbreak! At any time.
July 8, 2014 - 8:35pmThis Comment
I have genital herpes, which I got from my then boyfriend about a year ago. In the last six months I have been having sex with a woman. I told her about my condition straight away, so that she was in possession of the facts. To be honest this is the most uncomfortable part about it, having to tell someone you don't know very well that you have an incurable STI! However, it was fine and above all she appreciated my honesty. It didn't stop her wanting to have sex with me, and I reassured her that I would take full responsibility for myself and do all I could to make sure I did not pass it along to her. This has turned out to be quite simple. I asked my GP about what the deal was, and she gave me the following advice: The virus is passed through skin-to-skin contact, and can be transmitted even when there are no symptoms, as others have noted above. So, whether or not I have symptoms, we never do anything that involves the direct contact of genitals. Additional to that, I always wash my hands thoroughly before touching her if I have touched myself. She always washes her hands before touching herself if she has been touching me. She doesn't go down on me, which I guess is a bit of a drawback, but probably safest. When I have symptoms she doesn't touch me at all - it's pretty painful anyway! Because I was upfront about it from the start, the whole vibe of our sexual relationship has developed in such a way that follows those 'rules' and feels therefore totally natural. It's really not a disaster at all if you have herpes and you're having sex with someone who doesn't. Yes, you have a responsibility to protect them against it - and telling them about it so that they have the choice whether or not to proceed is crucial. But you know what, if the worst thing happens and you do pass it on, it's also not the biggest disaster either (in my opinion). It's uncomfortable when you have symptoms - though you can take anti-virals like acyclovir to reduce their severity - and it's a good excuse to practice a healthier lifestyle, which keeps your immune system as robust as it can be and reduces the frequency and severity of the outbreaks anyway. I know that doesn't cover all of the instances and questions mentioned above, but I thought I would share anyway, because when I first got it I was anxious and frightened, but the reality has turned out to be totally OK. If like me you are a woman who has sex with both men and women, the important thing is that if you don't want to pass it to a man you must ALWAYS use a condom. I got it because we had unprotected sex - my choice, and I knew the risks - but it happened when he had no symptoms. To be fair to him, he was utterly mortified, poor guy. But, sh*t happens and it really isn't the end of the world.
December 19, 2012 - 2:22amThis Comment
I have just been diagnosed with herpes. I have contracted it from my gf of 7 years. We have never had sex anywhere near when she has had an outbreak. In fact we hardly have sex at all and it must have been for clit on clit contact.
However, I just want to say that although the odds are low - it can happen even when no sign of an outbreak (I might add that due to other issues we dont have a particularly active sex life so I really must emphasise the odds were really low but still happened). It would also have happened either skin on skin (clit on clit) or fingers cross contaminating, rather than oral.
March 14, 2013 - 1:44pmThis Comment
I am also in a relationship with another woman that has herpes. We have not done anything sexual yet, we're still pretty early on in the relationship. I've been trying to educate myself on the matter and have learned a lot, but almost all I can find is about heterosexual intercourse): I understand that I cannot give her oral. But how likely is it that I will contract the virus from kissing her, so long as she's taking her medicaton and doesn't have an outbreak? What about using just our hands during sex? I know that we have to be careful, but there is hardly any information available on this subject for lesbians.
November 21, 2012 - 3:18pmThis Comment
Of course you can give her oral. That's silly. If people with cold sores feel it's ok to kiss their partners WHEN THEY DON'T have a cold sore (or feel one coming) why wouldn't it be the same for people with herpes? Statistically 50% of the population has been exposed to cold sore virus (herpes) as children. Does that mean they should never kiss anyone again? Of course not.
February 14, 2013 - 1:39pmThis Comment
Hi, Anon,
Welcome to EmpowHER! And thank you so much for your question.
I'm so sorry for your difficult situation. I hope you can soon end your marriage in the easiest way possible. Are there children or custody issues involved? Do you have all the information you need?
Genital herpes is a sexually transmitted disease that is contracted from skin-to-skin contact. The virus is a type of herpes simplex (similar to the herpes virus that causes cold sores in your mouth, but this affects your genital area).
You must avoid intercourse when she has an outbreak. It is most contagious then.
When she does not have an outbreak, it is less contagious, but it is still possible to get it. There are some antiviral drugs she can take today that limit outbreaks, and she could ask her doctor about those.
EmpowHER has a thorough encyclopedia page on genital herpes, which includes a diagram and pictures of the blisters, and more links on the bottom of the page:
https://www.empowher.com/media/reference/genital-herpes#definition
Here is the Mayo Clinic's page on genital herpes. Be sure to click on the links down the left side that talk about diagnosis, causes, treatments and prevention:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/genital-herpes/DS00179
Most health site entries about genital herpes presume that the two partners are heterosexual, and that a condom can help eliminate the spread of the virus. With two women, of course, that's not the case. Here's an about.com page about lesbian safer sex:
http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/lesbiansex/a/Herpes.htm
Does this information help?
January 5, 2010 - 9:21amThis Comment
Thank you for your response. I looked thru some of the links but still have some more intimate questions. She got this terrible virus 15 years ago from an old college boyfriend that never told her about it. She hasn't had an outbreak in years, what's the chance that I can get it if she has no signs of an outbreak? So it's a skin to skin transfer, I'm guessing that means I can't put my hand, mouth, leg or anything else on her vagina. What if she touches herself then touches me, can I get it that way?
January 5, 2010 - 11:01amThis Comment
Thanks for asking follow-up questions...let me know if this additional information helps.
There is a small chance that your partner could spread the virus even when no symptoms ("outbreak") are present, whether it is touching skin-to-skin, genital-to-genital, mouth-to-genital--or any combination of these--including her touching her genitals and then touching you. The largest risk of spreading the virus is during an outbreak, or in the few days before the outbreak, but there IS still a chance of spreading the virus even with no outbreak, unfortunately.
The best protection is to either use a dental dam, or a condom cut in half length-wise, to cover the genital area. Although not your first choice to use barrier methods, it is vitally important that you continue being cautious and not spread the virus from your partner, to yourself, to your unknowing husband (please do not read this as a judgment, I want to make sure from a public health standpoint that he is protected, as he won't know to protect himself, and this is how the virus keeps spreading. You are in a great place to stop the spread of infection, so that your current husband does not spread it to someone else without knowing that he should be using protection, since you mentioned that you are trying to end the marriage).
The only 100% way to make sure you are not spreading the virus from one person to another is to practice abstinence, and the next best thing is to practice safer sex (using a cut-up condom to cover the genitals-and-surrounding-skin and/or a dental dam). You can read more about safer sex options and Herpes at: American Social Health Association (ASHA), Herpes.
I am also sorry that you are in an unhappy marriage, and hope you can find a resolution soon, so that you can focus on your own future, health and happiness.
Let us know if you have any additional questions!
January 5, 2010 - 2:07pmThis Comment
I am currently in a lesbian relationship as well. I contracted genital herpes through oral sex from my partner. She has had cold sores, but when present, we are never intimate until it has gone. My doctor said it was through viral shedding when she wasn't showing symptoms. I was put on Valtrex and went through an outbreak. If I received it from her, I'm assuming we have the same strand, correct? We are both pretty upset. We felt extremely limited in what we are able to do to one another. I was wondering if oral sex was possible without a dental dam if she already has oral herpes. Obviously, it would be when sores aren't present. Would it have any effect on one another or make it worse? Would she be able to use her fingers on me and just wash her hands after? I'm just confused on the transfer part of it. I'm aware I'm at risk to still receive it on my mouth and her to her vagina. We just still want to keep each other happy and satisfied. My apologies if this was graphic at all. I just need some answers.
November 4, 2012 - 3:32pmThis Comment