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My live-in b-f of over 2 years is uninterested in sex with me...

By August 12, 2009 - 9:26pm
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My b-f and I have been together for a little over 2 years and living together for 2 years. He has always been pretty much of a roller coaster with his emotions- from going to sweet to hurtful and angry in a matter of minutes. We are both into bodybuilding and have a pretty quiet lifestyle- no partying, drinking, etc. In the past few months, our sex life has definitely been boring. It went from sometimes twice a day to basically once a week. I am usually the initiator, although I try to be very patient and non-dramatic. He is 31, I am 38. He works on automobiles from early morning to sometimes late at night. We are both very independent, but I think he may be insecure. He works a part-time job with high school aged people with whom he texts and sends pics to. Some of these h.s. people are girls that he sends pics to and it makes me pretty uncomfortable. The pictures are not pornographic, but they are pics of cute things (like puppies or baby bunnies) that I send to him which he forwards to these few girls. I don't know if he wants the attention or what from these girls. I am a jealous person, but I try to keep my feelings to myself. It just seems weird for a 31 year old guy to be sending pics or messaging a 17 year old. He said they are all friends and he sends them to everyone, not just the girls. Still...weird. On a daily basis he is very sweet with the things he says to me- whether it be my appearance or the cute nicknames that he has. But then when it comes to sex, lately he just seems really uninterested. He gets upset when I talk to people at the gym and doesn't want me to have friends, yet it is perfectly fine for him to do so. He has mentioned that he is tired of hearing from people at the gym about how I look and he doesn't get the attention anymore. Is this his way of making me pay for his insecurity? I know he would never cheat, nor would I, but I know there are other guys out there who would be happy to treat me right. I just love him so much and don't understand. Please, any advice?

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EmpowHER Guest

I think certainly comfort stops the intimacy in the relationship. You get comfortable and don't feel as if you have to impress someone anymore (your already there). Think of this, if you ate the same thing everyday, would it taste the same as the first one? I see your very athletic, do you do the same routine everyday? I bet the answer is no.

Change is good in all relationships. Not breaking up but when you hit that plateau in working out, you change to make it work in your favor again. Try that. Try to surprise him in some way. You never know what will happen. You are certainly not alone when it comes to sexual attention.

I would beware and watch for any signs that he may be interested elsewhere but at the same time, getting attention from elsewhere makes you feel still attractive and it can be just that. I love hearing someone say I am sexy or you look great, but I don't act upon it. It helps my ego and maybe I even stand up a little taller that day.

I wish you the best, please keep us updated since we all have this problem at one time or another.

August 15, 2009 - 9:25am
(reply to Anonymous)

Thanks so much- you are right. As humans we all like to get attention outside of our intimate relationships. I have found that being more independent and having separate interests helps. I would even rather go to the gym without my guy b-c then we are each free to talk to whom we please without the other one making a big deal about it. It is a great ego boost for sure- as I compliment men and women alike at my gym on their physiques. It seems to make everyone want to work that much harder. I suppose as my guy and I are both athletes that our sex drive would always be on high. I know it is for me- but not so much him. I really want to thank you for your time, support and advice! =)

August 15, 2009 - 3:51pm

Hello, and thanks so much for your response! =-) You are so very sweet! As far as steroids are concerned, yes he does use them and is currently on a cycle. He has used them for about 7-8 years. I found out he was using them about 6 months into our relationship. He knows that he is a roller coaster (his reason for staying busy with car/motorcycle projects at home) and puts much of his intensity into that. He is very mucha homebody and doesn't go out. We go to the bookstore, movies, dinner, and watch movies at home all the time. I feel like a mom to him (as many of use do with our male counterparts)- making meals, doing laundry, cleaning, etc.
Last night as he was leaving for work at his part-time job (he had just finished changing my oil in my car), I said to him " If you ever send any pictures to the girl at work again, I am done. I don't need that stupid, childish b-s in my life, and I deserve to be treated better. I WILL find out if it does happen again, so you need to think about what is more important- to flirt with a teenager or to have a real relationship. You don't get to have both, and that's all I'm going to say." He left without comment, and called me soon after. The conversation was unrelated to any of the drama. This morning when we were having breakfast, he said, " I just love you so much and don't ever want you to leave me." All day he has been accomodating and giving (not sexually though). I don't know if he really loves me or if he just loves the idea of having all of his needs met, and giving back only when he's in the mood. I haven't looked at his text messages since I found the picture a few weeks ago- I'm trying to be more trusting but I don't want to be naive.
Like an idiot, I am one of those women who likes to make people happy at the expense of my own happiness. He DOES do really nice things, but it seems like it's when he feels like I am upset and he wants to do something nice to reel me back in (which usually works =( ) . I don't know if he will ever grow up. He is very much a narcisscist, putting down the few friends he has, only to nuild himself up. We are totally opposite in that regard. I just feel like I am spinning my wheels and hoping for something that isn't likely to change.
What do I love about him? Gosh, great question. He can be the cuddliest, sweetest guy ever. He looks amazing. He is a very hard worker, which I truly admire. But his emotions come in doses. Sometimes for weeks he will be affectionate and loving, then after that it's like we are just 2 roommates.
Right now I am in-between jobs which makes it a little more tricky. I took a test 3 weeks ago for a state job and did very well on it, but there are a lot more steps in the process. I won't know until September until I pass all the other tests whether or not I will be hired. If by God's hand I do, I believe that is His way of saying that I am ready for a big change in my love life as well.
Should I keep away from his phone and be trusting or what? Any ideas? I'm not the stalker type, so I don't check up on him at work.

August 14, 2009 - 8:31pm
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