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Problems in second marriage.

By July 6, 2010 - 8:31am
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I am 40 year old woman divorced for 10 years and married again few months back. We both were married before and have kids by previous marriage. I love my husband very much. I am told by my friends and others that I am pretty and look 10 years younger to my age. I have slightly protruding jaw but it never been a show stopper and I didnt care much about it. But unfortunately my husband doesnt feel the same. He likes evrything to be perfect and he found my face not so attractive because of my jawline and so he never thought I was good looking. He is a handsome guy and he is very much aware of that. He feels if not for the kids and the situation he would have found someone better. He said he married me because I am a good woman and have other qualities he is looking for in a woman. I felt the blow on the first night when he looked so depressed and sad after having sex with me. I know after my pregnancy my breasts are sagging and I have stretch marks and belly fat(not so much to show from the outside)> he also said about the way I responded to sex was disappointing and I seriously dont understand what that is and he never tells me that even if I ask him. We used to have sex twice or thrice a week but I can see that he just does it for the sake of it.He also tells me I dont know how to seduce him. I would love to do that but when I know from the first day he doesnt like my looks how can i get the confidence or drive to seduce him? I have been raised in a conservative family, I love to have sex. I also noticed that he used to have the habit of viewing porn before wedding. I am moderately successful workwise been confident about myself and used to getting compliments even to this day from others. This makes me feel so desperate. He tries hard to hide his real feelings and tries to be very kind and nice to me. But I can see that he is not able to love me. The worst part is he had a very loving life with his ex until she cheated on him and left for another man after 10 years of marriage. He is not able to get over the feelings with her though he tells me he doesnt like her anymore. I can see that it isnt true because of the way he gets emotional about what happened and I see no hatred for her in him even after the way she hurt or insulted him. When he sees his kids suffering by shuttling between houses I feel he still thinks about why his marriage broke than getting to be happy with his new life. I have spoken openly about my feelings to him but its only made us distant. He never bothered to remove her pictures and I run into them very often. I saw a picture of theirs that he still keeps in his box where he stores his important files. It hurts me so much.We dont have kids by this marriage and he doesnt say if he wants to.I totally lost my confidence in my looks and relationship. I am so desperate, dont know how to handle this, dont have anyone to talk to. Please help me understand what to do. I know its a long mail but I need some advice desperately.

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EmpowHER Guest

I am having second marriage and we both have 1 child from previous marriage. After marriage if we come in physical with out protection can we have chance of getting HIV/AIDS we both have more than 3Year of being single.
Please help

February 10, 2016 - 11:52am

Hi Mala,
What a tough thing you are going through. I'm sorry for that. You say you have been married only a short time. Why did you marry your husband? You say you love him, but then describe how mean he is to you, and says you are not attractive. I agree with anonymous, that your friends love you and are wanting to protect you. You do not deserve to be made to feel how you are feeling. You know how it is said that when someone is picking you apart, it is a manifestation of their own self loathing? I'm not a therapist, but I would try to recognize your husband's actions for what it is. If you truly love him, do you think marriage counseling would help? Have you read any self-help books? I found one on Amazon called "Toxic People" by Dr. Lillian Glass, PhD. Maybe your library has it. Your doctor may be able to suggest a therapist. I recently wrote an article about Marriage Counseling: https://www.empowher.com/sex-amp-relationships/content/marriage-counseling-advocacy-sheet
Good luck and please follow-up here to let us know how you are doing.

July 6, 2010 - 10:29am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Christine Jeffries)

Thanks anonymous and Christine for your valuable comments. Well these happen after marriage not before. I have to remain married and so finding what can I do to make the situation better. Like christine suggested I would look at the self help book. Thanks again.

July 8, 2010 - 6:54pm
EmpowHER Guest

This man is abusing you mentally. If he acted this way towards his first wife, then thats probably why she cheated on him (not an excuse for anyone to do this, but I could see it happening). Do not let his need for perfectionism make you feel anything less than who you are. He is looking a perfect porn bodies and living in a fantasy. You work on building your self esteem and then you should consider leaving him because all he is going to do is play mental games with you until you feel less than he does. There are always two sides to a story and his ex wife has a story too, remember that.

But by the few things you do say in the beginning of this letter, I urge you to do some research about mental abuse. So what about stretch marks- I have them too. But if any man would dare to make me feel bad about things beyond my control, then he would feel the door slamming behind him as I am walking away from all of his mental games. Listen to your friends views about you, not his distorted views. I have been mentally abused and it makes you feel horrible, but research what you can about it and get away from it. I wish you luck.

July 6, 2010 - 9:07am
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