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relationhip advice please

By Anonymous September 13, 2009 - 10:17pm
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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years and it's been a pretty rocky road. Most of the time he is my best friend, and a reliable boyfriend, but in the same sense he is not. He is a borderline alcoholic. He will go a couple weeks without drinking and then he will basically lose the will and get wasted, and it ALWAYS leads to a fight. Other than the first three months, we have pretty much fought everytime drinking is involved. About three months ago we finally got on the same page and things were going really well, and then I got pregnant. I am so very excited, and so is he. But after a really nasty drunk incident on his part( after we found out I am pregnant) he vowed not to drink again so that he would not stress me out. That of course lasted almost three weeks, and now, after many more broken promises he now says that he should be able to drink whenever he wants, and that he will not fight with me, yet he still fights. I tell him that I will leave him because I will not raise a baby that way. He says "who are you to tell me what to do." My boyfriend is six years younger than I am, and while very mature in many areas, he is still younger. On one hand, he is the best friend that I have ever had, I can say that I know we have a very deep love for each other, but respect is another issue. He is very controlling and to be honest can be a real asshole at times. On the other hand he is one of the most compassionate, caring, helpful, nurturing person I know. I have asked him to get professional help, he wants to do it on his own. I know, it doesn't work that way. I really just don't know what to do, I love him but I WILL NOT RAISE A BABY THIS WAY, I have no money, I really have no one to talk to. I don't know how to make him realize that I am going to leave unless he stops. I have no where to go. And I don't believe in abortion, and adoption is out of the question. He makes me wish that I wasn't pregnant, and that is not at all what I want. I'm so happy to be able to have a child. I just don't know what to do. Unfortunately I know that people won't change unless they want to, and I am smart enough to realize that he doesn't want to. I guess I could just use some advice or words of wisdom so that the pain in my heart might lessen.

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I'm so sorry you're in the middle of such a tough situation. But I can tell from what you write that you are smart, compassionate and have your priorities in the right place -- with your baby. The fact that you feel grateful to have a child and are already committed to how that child will or won't be raised is awesome. You are acting for both yourself and the baby now, so your actions are doubly important.

When I was about 18 months old, my mom left my dad because he was an alcoholic. Like you, there had just been one too many incidents, and she wasn't going to raise me in that home. She had to get a tiny apartment and go back to teaching. She had to find someone to watch me. She took me to public clinics for my vaccinations and scrimped every penny to take care of us. Of course I don't remember any of this, but as an adult, I respect her more than I can even write for having the courage to leave.

Our story ended this way -- my dad went to AA, got sober, and my mom allowed him back into our lives a few months later. But when she left him, she didn't know whether, or if, that would happen. She didn't give an ultimatum. She just said, we won't live here if you drink, and when he did, she left with me.

Susan is right -- if you wait until the baby is born, it will be so much harder to take charge of this situation. Are you getting good prenatal care? Do you have a job? If it would help, please tell us what city and state you are in, and we can help research resources for you.

I admire you for looking at the situation so honestly. Now you have to be courageous and act on it. Your boyfriend is right when he says that you can't tell him what to do. None of us can change another person. The other person has to want to change. If alcohol is more important to your boyfriend than you or your baby, it's good you know now. The controlling aspect of him is something that can get dangerously out of hand. Partners and parents need to be equals, and you and your baby deserve better.

September 16, 2009 - 8:46am
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