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Relationship Advice

By Anonymous October 6, 2013 - 3:45pm
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Hi, I am currently doing my PhD and have started dating as well. I am currently not in any commited relationship but am in touch with two guys. One who is in the States and I had met him over eHarmony but we have clicked so well and will be meeting soon sometime in the next month, I believe. There is also another guy whom I am interested in and he lives and studies in his third year of PhD. We met through a mutual friend and talked for hours on end a year back but were seeing other people. Somehow I saw him around campus, acknowledged him, and then went off but he remembered me and got my contact info from our mutual friend. We went out on a date on Thursday and were really close and intimate (but didn't go all the way) and saw each other subsequently on Saturday night. Since then he has been busy but remembered that I had my presentation and asked about how they went and wanted to read my papers and we also flirted over the phone. I, at the last minute, decided to invite him to my party but because I was in the dilemma to invite him or not - he had plans but assured me that if it will be possible, he will make an effort to come and visit my home. I told him, it was cool and whatever he found convenient would work. He has only a month ago broken up from a relationship and still adjusting to his single life. While the first guy, our intentions and his words are very direct and clear - he says things as he means it and was even willing to fly me to see him next month if his finances are in order. I am not sure about this second one and he shows interest in me but I haven't seen him in the last two weeks and am sort of confused. The second guy told me he is taking things one-day-at-a-time and since I already asked him once, I cannot bug him to come and see me but then I feel confused!

Note: This is the first time in years the type of guys I am interacting with are both great and respect me a lot and I honestly have strong feelings for both of them at this point and am letting it happen. However, the second guy's sudden disappearance is bothering me and I am not sure what to make out of it. Should I just let it be with him and give him the space he needs?

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi Daisy,

Thanks for confirming this with me. I think he is confused but he had also made it clear to me that he really liked me but also wants to get his life into order and focus on his PhD at this point but my intuition also says that there is something more to him and that's why I am comfortable giving him the space he needs and respect it but I want to clarify that he hasn't been aloof or anything in the past two weeks. He has contacted me and messaged me asking about my presentations on Monday and wanted him to keep him posted on the papers I was writing. I also asked him quite last minute for the housewarming party. When we had met for our date, he was already planning where he wanted to take me later as time went and wanted to share his stories but I do remember him specificially saying that he wanted to get his life into order and focus on his studies. Considering that he just broke up, I do respect his space. He has been keeping in touch but is busy.

Yes, PhD is time consuming but we are all humans and can manage a relationship when we want to. I actually did not get involved with any one seriously while I was doing my second Masters but now I am ready for a relationship and do like him and the other guy as well.

Thank you so much for your response,

October 7, 2013 - 6:49pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anon,

Welcome to EmpowHER and thanks for your question. The fact he hasn't called back in two weeks, definitely indicates he is confused or not ready for a relationship.  If he just finished a relationship a month ago, it's too soon for him to jump into another one.  I think you should give him space and continue talking to the other guy.  Anon, if you are working on your Ph D which is very time consuming, are you sure you are ready for a relationship? 



October 7, 2013 - 3:54am
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