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Relationship blues

By September 12, 2011 - 8:33am
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Hi, I am 25 years old and very very very confused about where to take my life, whom I should spend it with and am I doing the right thing. I want to be as anonymous as possible as I really love and care for the people around me and seeing me flustered and unsure will hurt them if they saw me bringing it up in the public forum.
Let me begin my story. In the summer of 2007, I had ended a tumultuous relationship with my boy friend at school. Following that for a year, I constantly was in conversation and ended up falling in love with someone whom I had not expected. We tried so hard to control ourselves but it ended up happening without anyone's control. In March of 2008, we made a pact that we will confront our parents 2 years later and fight for each other due to financial disparity and other reasons, we knew our parents would not approve but our love was so grand that we continued despite knowing the consequences. A year later, unexpectedly, my mother ended up finding out about it and for two years, as I studied in my graduate school, coming home always meant having volatile conflicts with her. I persevered on regardless until last semester when the pressure of graduate school, loneliness (it was distant between India and here), and the pressure of completing my thesis came together so much that I wanted to show him, that if he did not take any action I will move on. I met someone who was very sweet and charming, a gentleman (what I was unaware was of the past he was hiding and I was unaware that he had wanted a short term relationship), I was confused further as I saw a solution in sight.

I chose the second guy and imagined that by this decision, the guy whom I had loved for for so long will def. fight giving me time to think and ponder upon the decision. However, he just let go within minutes leaving me in a shock. I also decided to stick to my decision (although I would call him begging him to rethink but he was set). I ended up gradually falling in love with the second guy (though I had not received any closure from the first one and was still confused). The second guy did not tell me the truth of his past afraid I will leave him and he had wanted to save his respect in my eyes. However, I was so hurt and confused, being alone made me scared. I began to see loving nature in him, integrity, we are mentally compatible at all levels. Except, the biggest shock came to me when I discovered his hidden baggage - he was separated and had a child. His (ex) wife had left and he was recovering from his pain. I couldn't leave him then. He needed me and I was there with him through the tough times he faced. I was sure his divorce was going to be finalized and we were finally going to be together. In my society, what I was doing was already considered taboo and required me to fight against/rebel against my family a second time.
Since then I have returned home, still working on my thesis, probably will see him in a couple of weeks but in the meanwhile, in the time I have been alone the first guy contacted me told me he was compromising and decided to marry his colleague (without even fighting for me once while I fought for him for two years). I have been trying to move on and out of this situation. I recently told my mother that life needs to be straightened out and I am not sure when guy 2's divorce will take place. I am just not sure anymore of what to do? Am I making the right decision?
I am going to discuss this situation and my own angst with guy 2, but I am not sure if I should wait till the time I had given for him to prove himself worthy or should I not wait end the current relationship, and choose the best route: arranged marriage where families are also happy? I am happy with him, we are compatible at many levels, except he is 9 years 2 months older than me, is still pending divorce, and not sure how ready he is to have a family and settle down since he still has emotional baggage from his prev. relationship which I have to fight. I know he loves me a lot and craves a family.
Please help me sort this puzzle out. What should I do? Should I trust him again? I am too afraid after guy 1 who called himself my best friend and soulmate yet chose to move on asap when time came for him to really fight for our relationship. I am SO confused!

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I had a question, could you perhaps tell me more about what you meant by "false feeling", I am still trying to figure out how my heart has been expounding its feelings towards both # 1 and #2.
For #1, his laugh used to make me crazy about him and his positive thoughts. We were childhood friends who just didn't see each other till our early 20s and (late 20s for him) but we scheduled our times just to talk to each other, hear each other's voices, and even lied to our parents so that we could meet in India in the summer. Every day before the breakup, I used to beg him to tell me what his plans were for us settling down.
#2, I met at this party, from the beginning he seemed to portray the person whom I had wanted and thought of. Their names were also similar if you can believe it and I share the name with his ex if you can believe it. Knowing his past and realizing that i wont accept it, he wanted to escape the relationship in the beginning but I kept to my word after learning the truth. It was a shock for him too that I accepted his past without any qualms. After my breakup had had happened with #1, I had honestly called him a lot begging him to change his mind but he thought I was happy wiht #2 and claimed that he had wanted to see me happy so he decided to move on instead of realizing that I had a world of feelings for him.
This summer then I spent a lot of time with #2 and was also intimate with him. The reason for breakup with #1 was also that I had been intimate with #1 and felt that he deserved better so I let go (but he never fought back as I had assumed he would do after all the promises of love we had made). When that happened, my heart shattered and I realized that perhaps with #2, maybe it was always meant to be so I was with him even after I realized his past. We have beautiful moments together and always share good thoughts and are compatible in thinking. But, his past always lingers around us.
I am not sure how strong my feelings are for #2 that #1 claims I had. I had spent last two days crying and feeling angry with the loss and feeling angry at myself for commiting for #1 when he was not even willing to fight for me when time came.

September 13, 2011 - 11:46am

Hi Susan,
Yes, I know I realize it. To be honest, I am not sure anymore. Yes, I did love #1 more than anything and all the actions I had done were to prove to him to make effort for our relationship to work. But while I worked to make things happen, he did one thing and moved on without thinking that maybe I am doing this to show that I really need him to take bigger steps. As for #2, I do care for him and when we talk, we are each other's confidants but age gap and his past do linger in the background. We have not recently talked about where his divorce has headed at this point.
On our last discussion about this, his ex had been calling him blaming him etc. and he had let out his frustrations out on me and had said that he had wanted to be with no one (as frustrated as I was, I agreed as we were moving out of my apartment at school). That night, I was crying and longing for the comfort I had with #1 and I did say to him that he was free to leave, but he stayed saying that he couldn't take it anymore. He did ask me if it was really okay with me about the situation. I told him that he has a year to fix the situation and get a divorce, otherwise I was going to call off the relationship. I still need my Phd program and be financially indepedent in a year so marriage right now is still out of question, although my family has started looking. We also had an impending proposal from a family and my parents are keen to pursue it (and I don't mind to be honest)
I am still trying to key on my feelings towards #2 because after #1, who I was with for 4-5 years constantly talking and finding comfort in, I miss his absence and loss. I am also angry with him because he made commitments to things he knew he couldn't do and now has just backed up and claims that he is making a compromise and marrying some random person. It makes me angry and frustrated because I fought for him daily for 2 years non-stop. The actions I took were to show that if he did not take any step, I will move on. But instead of fighting for me, he let go in a second. Since then, I fear that men are not consistent and they are there when they need you but when you need them, they flee. Its happened a second time when I put all my trust in one person, and he has broken my trust.
So with #2, I am already very cautious. I do have feelings for him and with me there, his life is getting better and he is happy and excited all the time. It makes me feel good because my presence does help him be better. I had told him that its a year, although he himself said that he wasnt expecting her to return back but we had talked about it practically and he had said that I should see this for 6 months and then rethink if I really want to be with him.
Yes, I know you are right and I do believe in it. I always have. I was single for a while and did not mind it at all. I enjoyed the freedom. Taking a break is not a bad idea. I am going to see him in a couple of weeks as #2 is flying here to see me, the last time he drove 13 hours so that we could have a week together. I have had good times and share really sweet memories with him, but really am not sure if I can live with him my whole life. I used to have #1 who was my best friend as well to talk about this whole thing, but ever since he left, I feel like I am at a loss.
I will probably talk about a break after this month if things don't change. The reason why I am afraid to cool things off with him because I am unsure if I will be making a mistake letting go of him to finally out later that probably HE was the one. I just don't know what to make out of it anymore. In all of my relationships, I have always given my 200% yet the guys who I am with either take it for granted or just don't take any actions. They make grandeur promises but when time comes for them to act, they flee. Am I making a wrong mistake? or am I not choosing guys properly?
Seeing me confused and lost really hurt my best friend who literally cried of the situation, she was worried and that struck me really hard. I have been trying to find a resolution ever since. I will keep your suggestion in mind and see if I can implement it in a couple of weeks or months. I need to do some serious thinking about the situation and I really do miss #1.

September 13, 2011 - 11:33am

I guess I have to accept #1's decision, while #2, he had not denied his child per se. I think I had framed it incorrectly, he really loves his child but he has had to deal with the ex and the child constantly. It does affect him, but I wish he had been honest and truthful from day 1 so that I would have made a wise decision regarding both relationships. In addition, he had tried to save the marriage over the child for two years before he decided to sign the divorce papers. However, I don't even know what the status is of the pending divorce.
I do feel lost and uncertain now and not sure if I can trust men in that way again. In my youth, I used to braid fairytales i guess of the ideal prince charming and after being duped so many times I question it myself.
#2 views me as a breath of fresh air but the baggage does come with him and its something I have had to overlook so many times. His family is aware of me, but they have not decided to make any move until my parents are made aware of his baggage. Nowadays arranged marriages in India are quite different as they used to be, couples are allowed to date before marriage. Yes, I know. I plan to start my phd program next Fall. The only reason that worries me is that I want to settle down soon. I am tired of these love games, and #1 whom I trusted with all my heart and soul he just left me within a day.
Until now the men whom I have found have complicated my life, not complemented it (and I am beginning to lose hope now)

September 12, 2011 - 12:58pm

Most recently, his (ex) wife contacting him and he stuck to his word in front of me telling her that it was over, but he was rattled and each time she would call, he would be depressed and take out his frustration on me. I just want a simple, sweet, family loving, and ambitious guy who is loving, truly an Indian at heart but global in his lifestyle. I am really really confused!

September 12, 2011 - 8:37am
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