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Should I be having sex with my ex boyfriend?

By June 3, 2010 - 1:53pm
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Me and my ex started dating in high school when we were both sixteen years old. We were each others first when it came to sex and I was the first girl he ever said i love you to.We were together for a little over five years when (at least on my side of things) out of the blue he dumps me over the phone. He says the reason he wanted to break up was that we had been together so long that he was curious what else was out there and he just wanted to be single and feel free for awhile. He said he wasn't sure if he loved me or still had any romantic feelings towards me anymore. So we broke up and hadn't talked for a month or so when I get a phone call from him. We talk and he apologizes for ending our five year relationship on the phone and we talk all night about other things. After that initial phone call we started talking and hanging out together and eventually having sex. It feels so weird to me because we act like boyfriend and girlfriend when we hang out but we never say I love you or talk about possibly getting back together. This has been going on for two months and I'm an emotional wreck inside. I still want this guy for more than just friends but I fear I'm just being used and might end up getting hurt by all of this. I don't know how to back up from situation I've gotten myself into because I want to tell him we cant have sex anymore unless were in a committed relationship but I dont want to come across like I'm controlling. Part of me is wondering if I should even want to pursue a relationship with this guy who would leave a girl whos totally committed to him just for the sake of seeing some T & A from other girls. So out of that long story I guess my questions would be: Should I pursue a relationship with this guy and if I do how do get him to back off of using me for sex until were in a relationship? If I shouldn't pursue a relationship how do I end it and move on and deal with my broken heart?

*As a side note he has been under a lot of stress for awhile feeling like hes at a crossroads in life deciding what he wants to do as a career and being frustrated at the job he currently works at. He's also struggling in college and can't seem to find the motivation to go to his classes and pass them.

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I think you've answered your own question!

You said, "I don't know how to back up from situation I've gotten myself into because I want to tell him we cant have sex anymore unless were in a committed relationship but I dont want to come across like I'm controlling.". You are not controlling his behavior when you tell him what you are looking for in a relationship. You can't "make" him like you, or love you, or be committed to you. You can only tell him what you want in a romantic partnership, and then he gets to choose if this is also what he wants.

It is completely normal for two people to be exclusive, then breakup to date other people, and then they can each individually choose to re-commit to each other exclusively or to begin dating each other again while dating other people. Dating someone does not have to be the end-all-be-all, and you are both free to date other people, get to know them ("dating" does not have to equal "sex"!), get to know yourself in the process. Maybe he's the one for you; maybe not.

Just be honest with him, and let him know if you want to be exclusive with him, if you want to date other people and him. Let him know if you want to take things slow from today forward and not have a physical relationship with him, to see if you two can get to know each other in other ways (emotionally, spiritually, socially, mentally, intellectually). It is up to him to "pursue" you, to be honest and open with you about what he wants. He may not know what he wants, and you may not know what you want...this is also OK! Please be honest with yourself and with him, and start openly communicating about what you feel you deserve in a relationship...that's the only way you will ever get it!

June 3, 2010 - 6:56pm
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