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too conscious about looks..can anything be done?

By Anonymous July 9, 2009 - 5:01am
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I had a breakup with a guy whom i genuinely loved.it was my first love and i stopped talking to him.its been quite sometime now and I am over him. but ever since then I have become very consious about my looks(which i never used to be..trust me).he used to comment a lot on my looks when we were together(he said i was pretty but i dont take care of myself at all and if i do i'll look more good...which was decent)

All say that I am good looking but I just dont feel it.I am so consious all the time,every minute and when i come across every person.I have been taking over care of myself and i am fed up of it.I am just not satisfied the way i look ..why is this hapenning? is it normal or do i need to take a consultation?

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EmpowHER Guest

heyy! i've experienced that too and genuinely i think its because your still into him and you want to impress him w/ your looks! it might sound stupid like when my friends and family told me that too i was like NO WAY because I thought i was COMPLETELY over him but you never know. sometimes i thought it was because he dumped me because i wasnt pretty. i am very concerned about the way i look now and if your convinced its not because of that, maybe its because you yourself think your looks arent the best and want to shape up. i mean everyone has a different reason why and actually i dont know why its happened to me too but its a suggestion. (:

May 31, 2011 - 3:39pm

You're so very, very welcome, Anon. You made my day, too.

July 14, 2009 - 10:24am
EmpowHER Guest

you are right.I did take it a little far than he intended.i did discuss this with my friends and they told me that most of the women feel insecure about their looks when out of a relation.so its normal i guess.

To be honest with you i wanted him to see me when I am all healthy but dont know if its worth-i am not sure if he was genuine to me.He was a womenizer and i got to know it later.comes from an orthodox family and got engaged and married to girl of his parents choice.I dont ever want to remember him for anything in the future.
I loved it when you said that your first love isn't your true love.I feel so better now.I absolutely agree with you that feeling pretty is what you feel inside.

Thank you so much Daine...its the best advise i have ever received :)

July 14, 2009 - 3:37am

Anon, thank you so much for writing back. Yes, you did a great job. I understand much more what you're feeling now.

I'm proud of you that you broke up with him when you did. That took strength and belief in yourself, which is awesome. And I'm glad you're taking care of yourself better now. Stress and a lack of nutrition is huge, in both how we look and feel.

You sound very pretty to me, and I'm imagining that how you feel actually has little to do with how you look. To hear you describe your skin as "radiant" and your body as "perfect" is wonderful. Now let's go the next step.

While you loved your boyfriend, let's be truthful -- he was seeing you while he was seeing someone else. So he's not that perfect either. He may be the kind of guy that is more about himself than the person he is with, and he wanted you to look your best while you were with him. I worry for his fiancee -- is she perfect? Is he now telling her what to eat or what to do to herself to make herself better?

"Feeling pretty" should be about what you feel inside -- and what you can see in the mirror -- not about what others tell you. Let's say one day you wear your coolest jeans, a great top, new shoes, and your face and hair look fabulous. You walk out the door, go downtown and get whistles and compliments all day.

A week later, you wear the exact same clothes, feel the exact same way, and go the exact same places. But you don't get whistles or compliments. Have you gotten less pretty? No. Do you feel less pretty? Probably. Because whether we like it or not, we are so keyed in to others' approval that we let it go to far about defining how we feel about ourselves.

I want you to remember this first love as someone who saw good things in you and someone you cared deeply about. In five years, 10 years, 20 years, when you remember your first love, I don't want you to say "he's the one who told me my face wasn't pretty." I want you to be able to say "He's the first guy I ever loved. He was funny, and sweet, and I learned a lot from being with him."

Your first love isn't your true love. Your true love will be attracted to you -- maybe because you're pretty, or maybe because you're smart, or maybe because you made him laugh. Your first love is just your first. You won't ever forget him, but the things he said will fade in time.

He's just not right about the pretty thing, ok? He said some things that helped you when you were down and sick and stressed, which you appreciated. But you've taken it a little farther than he intended, I think.

Are you wishing you were still with him? Are you somehow thinking, way down deep inside, that maybe if you were "prettier" that he would be with you and not with her? Because if that's what it feels like, that's OK. I think it's normal to miss someone after a breakup, ESPECIALLY a first love. But it was the right thing to do. And that makes you even prettier, in my view.

July 13, 2009 - 8:19am
EmpowHER Guest

Hello Daine.I appologize for not being spefic about my problem.
1) i am talking about my face.I have a good face and good features too. i met him during a bad phase of life wherein i used to not eat well at all, used to fall sick often which caused some pigmentation on my face and i kind of used to look pale(anemic) and stressed out all the time.so he used to tell me to take care of myself which is decent.He was engaged and was supposedly to get married so i broke off with him and never saw him since then.Now my healths all fine and the pigmentations is reduced drastically as i am taking care of my skin properly.My face looks much better and radiant now. but i still dont feel pretty, because his statement still echoes in my head.
2)I have a a perfect body and somewhat my body overtakes my face.I have a feeling that the guy was more attracted to my body than my face or nature. he said that i am good but not very beautiful by face-this was my 1st true love and i loved him very much and thats why it hurts me... many men do compliment me for my looks but i just dont feel that i am pretty.you can say i have become very insecure.
i sometimes feel it would have been better if i had never met him- i was a mature person and used to laugh at girls who were insecure about thier looks.but today i am one and i hate it.....
i just want to get rid of this feeling and concentrate on more imp things in life..i am trying but its not much happening
i hope this gives you a fair idea

July 10, 2009 - 1:30pm

Anon, thank you for your question, and welcome to EmpowHer!

Can I ask you to be a little more specific? I am not sure whether you are talking about your natural physical appearance -- like your body shape, your facial features, and so on -- or whether you are talking about such things as doing your hair and putting on makeup.

You say you are good-looking but you don't feel like it. Did you used to feel like you were attractive before this boyfriend? Are the things he used to say still echoing in your head?

What are you not satisfied with? Is it something like a hair style or clothing, or are you saying you don't like your features anymore? Can you tell us a little more about what you're feeling, specifically? What kind of thing would make you feel better about yourself?

July 10, 2009 - 8:34am
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