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What does it mean when a boyfriend tells you that he doesn't see you together long term but still misses you?

By January 3, 2011 - 3:11am
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I'm a 30 year old girl and was in the best relationship I've ever had, with a 26 year old guy. We were together for almost 2 years, getting along really well, when I got pregnant, unintentionally. I had ran out of birth control and told my boyfriend this, so there was nothing I was trying to hide, but I did get pregnant. It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. His response was, I will support whatever decision you make. Being that he is only in his first 6 months of his career, I'm in my final year of grad school, and both of us are still living in our parents house, I decided to have a termination. He was amazingly supportive during the entire process, until my final dr appointment. He choose to go to lunch with a co-worker claiming he had work, while I went to my final appointment to ensure the termination was complete, alone. This hurt me so much and I left him a message explaining this and then ignored his calls for a couple days. When we talked again he told me that what happened, the pregnancy, really scared him, that he can't see himself with me long term, and that what I did was selfish. I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I explained to him that I was scared as well, that the reason I had the termination was because I was not ready for such a serious relationship, and that it seemed unfair to bring a child into the world completely unprepared. I told him that we could get through this, that I understand that he is scared and that I would be willing to give him time apart but to please not just quit on us. Additionally, he was supposed to be meeting my parents that night. Yet, he still ended the realtionship and told me that he wanted to see other girls. When I attempted to contact him the next day to return his items that were at my house, he ignored me, said that he would try to come by to get his things, and never did. I decided to try and not contact him anymore. Also, he has only had one relationship prior to me and the girl ended things with him about 9 months into the relationship because of his inability to communicate. So I know he hasn't had much realtionship experience. So three weeks after I stopped communication, he attempted calling me. I didn't respond. A week later I sent him a text saying happy new years, 2010 was one of my best and it wouldn't have been the same without you. He wrote me back the next morning saying:

Subject: happy new year!!!!!!
I'm sure you had a great new year. I tried calling you during christmas time and your phone went to voicemail. I think you might be out of town? I got a text from you. Thank you. Happy new year! I was thinking about you too. 2010 was one of my best years also. 2009 sucked and 2010 was waayy better. thanks for being there by my side. I loved sharing 2010 with you. I miss you. Hope you're having a great time. take care.

Please tell me what to do, I don't know what his attempts to contact me truly mean. I don't want to be heartbroken again, but I would do anything to be back with him. Thank you for reading all of this and I truly appreciate your thoughts!!!!!

Add a Comment6 Comments

Keep moving forward. Glad the site is helpful for you. I know all-too-well what you are talking about. I wish a resource was around like this when I was going through my own troubles in the past. I was in therapy too. It was helpful at different times. I completely agree with what yours said. I have always been the type of person who would blink and five years would pass--and find myself with the wrong guy. Isn't it funny how we can waste time and energy trying to make something work that so obviously isn't? The next greatest thing could be right around the corner. Keep reminding yourself that it shouldn't be so hard, and it doesn't have to be. You'll be OK. With or without a man. Good luck and keep in touch with us as you continue your journey.

January 5, 2011 - 8:02am

Your words are very encouraging. I definitely agree that these situations make us stronger and learn what is really important. Even as I look back on my past relationships, I have become closer to finding someone that is a lifetime partner. I guess what worries me is that it took me almost two years to realize that my ex wasn't going to be there by my side. I do believe that it is through relationship failures that we learn what makes a lifetime relationship work. Being that my ex has only had one relationship prior to ours, that lasted less than a year, maybe he hasn't experienced enough failures to understand a real relationship. Thank you for sharing about your divorce. You must have learned so much from that experience. It is inspiring to hear that you were at the same age as me when this situation occurred and that you are now in a marriage that you are proud of and have two little ones! Did you ever think that you would be where you are today when you were 30? I consider your advice highly, you have more experience than me in serious relationships and I know you are wiser today from this. I'm trying to convince myself that I shouldn't be hanging on to his words in a facebook message as "I loved spending last year with you" and "I miss you." Because the reality is that he may miss me, but he is choosing everyday not to be with me, he is still the same person who broke up with me. I am trying to do things differently this time and really cut contact off and let him know what it is really like to live without me. You're so right, if he wanted to be with me, he would, it's that simple. Thank you for making everything much more clear. My therapist said that by him telling me that he doesn't see us together long term, then the answer is clear. She said that he may contact me, but that I don't have to respond and if I want to, it could be a response as, "reminder-you broke up with me." She also said that everytime I have any contact with him that it is like opening a wound all over again, that I need to just let my wounds heal. I find my sessions extremely helpful, not sure where I would be without them. I am emotionally a wreck when it comes to break-ups, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I let it affect my schooling and work. He broke up with me one week before my finals, the night he was suppposed to meet my parents, one week after my 30th birthday, worst timing ever. You have been a great big sister through this Christine, thank you!!!

January 5, 2011 - 4:12am

Hi Momo30,
You're welcome. That's what we're here for, to inspire and support!
You sound like a very smart and conscientious woman. I don't claim to be an expert at any of this. I have made my own mistakes, one of which was marrying a guy when I was 27, and knew in my heart he wasn't ready for marriage. I was divorced by 30, and regretted it. I believe it is in going through these situations we become stronger and learn what is truly important. We all are just doing the best we can, aren't we? You can long for this guy, but the fact of the matter is that if he isn't a fixture in your everyday life and standing in person by your side supporting and loving you, he's not intimate relationship material. You can miss friends, and regret things didn't turn out how you wanted, you can even love a friend. But the simple fact remains, you've got things to do, and you've got to do what is right for you in this time. So yes, like I said, I'm not an expert and don't claim to be, this is just "big sister" type of advice so take it as just something to consider and don't listen to me if you feel otherwise. My personal opinion is that you shouldn't be working so hard to get any guy to date you, and especially someone who abandoned you in your time of need. If a guy wants to be with you, he will. That's how they are--you decide if you want to make yourself available or not. And try to avoid drama, it just causes more trouble you don't need.
What does your therapist say about the situation? Do you find your sessions helpful?

January 4, 2011 - 8:11am

Hi Momo30,
I'm sorry you have been through a lot recently. No doubt you have a lot to deal with and it all may be really confusing. Have you considered talking with a counselor? It may be good for you to work through the feelings and make sure you are making sound decisions that will help you continue to move forward. Regardless of what happens between you and this boy, you should keep close tabs on what you need and how it all will impact you. Selfish or not, you've got to do what's right for you. If a man told me at your age (and knowing what you've been through together) that he doesn't see things going long term, I would run for the hills. At your age, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to make a career out of dating anyone, and if a guy wanted to be with me, he had to drive pretty hard to the goal to make it happen otherwise I was on my way. But that's me. Like I said, my opinion is you have to do what is right for you. But knowing what you've been through, you may need to do some soul searching to figure out what that is. I imagine an abortion can be an emotionally tough thing to grapple with, and the pending relationship surrounding that can be confusing, especially if you thought you weren't ready for any of it. A counselor/therapist can help you with that.
Take care and let us know how you're doing.

January 3, 2011 - 8:07am
(reply to Christine Jeffries)

Thank you so much for your support. What I have been through is beyond confusing and I am seeing a therapist who supports me and my decisions unconditionally. I admire how strong you are and only wish that I could handle situations in the way that you do. I do realize that he abandoned me, and the worst part is he abandoned me when I needed him the most. Just that fact alone should make me want to run for hills. Pathetically, what scares me most is that I was left by someone so much younger than me, who I absolutely loved and I never would have expected him to be leaving me. I do wonder if there are any possibilities of us ever being together again. To you, what would "a guy had to drive pretty hard to make it happen" mean in my situation? The last thing I want is to end up getting invloved in the emotional pain again. So even though he sent me a message saying that he misses me, I do realize that responding to him throws me back into the situation again, leaving me most likely to be hurt if he only misses me but has no desire to be back together. Also, what do you mean by "at your age, I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to make a career out of dating anyone." Do you mean that I shouldn't be working so hard to be dating this guy? I agree with you that I need to do some soul searching and figure out what is right for me. If the roles were reversed, I never could even have the thought of leaving him after going through a termination. This is the hardest part for me, instead of realizing this for what it really is, I have been dwelling on what could have been or what will happen with this relationship. Thank you Christine for your thoughts, I appreciate your wisdom in this situation.

January 3, 2011 - 9:49pm
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