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Whenever I want to tell my fiance how I feel, he attacks me with things I do wrong

By Anonymous April 29, 2010 - 6:16pm
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Hi, I am 23 years old and I have an Italian Boyfriend. I am his longest relationship. (3 years) And mainly, his very first girlfriend. We are now engaged (for about 2 months). I am having some issues because now our sex life has gone down. I feel like I am putting in all of the efforts in signaling him that I want to make love to him, but he turns me down. It really hurts my self asteem, and I am now afraid to ever ask him. Whenever I ask him what is wrong, he only responds by saying "It's nothing, I'm just tired". And whenever I tell him how I feel, he lashes out on me about things that I do wrong. For example, I confronted him about the making-love issue, and he started accusing me saying that:

1. I only want sex late in the evening when he is tired because it helps me fall asleep.
2, That he does everything for me and I do nothing. (although this is partially true: He enjoys cleaning, cooking, and doing things for me. I can't cook for the life of me. I always somehow ruin the food, and I do clean, just not as much as the "stereotypical" woman would) The thing is is that I do everything I can to show him how much I love him and appreciate him. (i.e: I take his clothes to the cleaners and pick them up, I go grocery shopping, and buy EVERYTHING he loves, and I bake his favorite sweets) I want to do more for him, but he doesn't give me the chance, for example, when he is sick, I want to try and take care of him and aid him, but he won't let me because the only way I know how is to give him medicine which he will not take, I ask him to talk to me and tell me what is wrong, but he will not discuss it. And all in the meantime, I feel useless. As if anything that I want to try to do to help him a little, he will not let me.

I wanted to have a discussion with him about him not wanting to make love to me dispite the fact that I have given him signals, and he responds by verbally attacking me telling me that I only want to have sex late at night so that I can go to sleep. Then, he gets so offensive and starts accusing me that I do not help him with anything, when at the end of the day, even if I do ask, he never wants any of my help. worst of all, I am starting to think that we are not going to work out. I love him so much. I don't know what to do. I have been with him for three years, and I have always stuck by him. It just sucks because now I am feeling really frustrated because I feel like I am guiding him all of the time. Someone please give me some advise. And please do not tell me that I should break up with him. Give me some advise which could help the relationship. I want a break up to be my VERY VERY last option!

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It really does not sound like breaking up is an option...your situation does not sound that out-of-control, and simply sounds like a communication problem between the two of you that can be resolved (as long as you both are willing to make some improvements!).

Here is my perspective on your post (forgive my bluntness!):
1. I don't think he is verbally "attacking" you; he sounds like he is telling you his truth and you don't want to hear that you initiate sex in the evening when he's tired. If he's too tired to have sex, there's nothing wrong with that!
2. He is frustrated because he is feeling like he is doing the majority of the housework (whether real or imagined, although you do say this is correct). That alone can be enough to be exhausting to him, that he has to work all day THEN do all the housework and other obligations, and if he feels that you aren't pulling your weight in helping, then he may not feel like being physically close and intimate with you.

Have you considered that all of these things he is saying are true; that there is nothing wrong with your sex life, that he is actually saying what he is feeling and trying to communicate with you, but you don't want to hear it and/or change?

When couples have trouble with physical intimacy, it usually can be traced back to a communication, financial, housework/chore, child-rearing or other issue seemingly unrelated to "sex". What if you talk with your fiance, tell him that you are finally "getting it" that he is needing from you certain things (help around the house, initiating sex when you know he's not tired at night), and that you would like to help him. You can also tell him that YOU feel when you do try to help, that he does not accept your help. It sounds like you help him in the way YOU want to help...which is not really helpful, right?! It is only helpful if you help the person in the way THEY want to be helped. So...ask him: How can I help you? Tell him you would like to change things up in the relationship and do more things to help, so he is not so tired and feeling "put upon", but you need some direction in what would be helpful for him.

Another thought: sometimes it is frustrating if someone is asking, "How can I help?" when it is obvious what needs to be done. Observe your fiance and see what he spends his time doing before asking. It's obvious if the bills aren't paid, dishes are in the sink, dog needs walking, bathrooms are dirty, laundry needs to be done, etc. These are things that don't need to be asked...just take the initiative to do the things HE usually does, before he gets to them, instead of spending your focus on initiating sex at a time that he is uninterested. You may be surprised that he suddenly becomes interested in sex again when he feels that you two are more equal in the relationship!

Last thought: if you really don't know what he needs help with, then bring a pen and paper and tell him that you would like to write down everything he does, and that you don't want to be told that you "don't' help" anymore. Tell him this is his chance to tell you what he DOES want you to help with. He can communicate in the positive by asking for you to do specific things, and if you two plan in advance, you can agree on certain chores you each do...and then the reward you each get (date night, romantic night at home, spending time on favorite hobby, etc).

How does all of this sound?

April 29, 2010 - 6:33pm
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