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Where'd my sex life go?

By July 6, 2009 - 10:21pm
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My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year. He is 32, I am 25. He's my first (and only) lover, but he's been with a couple (including a wife, divorced now, obviously) before me. At the beginning, my sex life was great. I appeared to turn him on and he appeared to be willing. I'll admit to still wanting it more than him--but this was new-found fun for me--while a little old hat for him. But I was completely satisfied with our sex life.

Fast forward a few months--and when I say a few...I mean, like 3. I think I've lost my sex life and would love to know where it went.

We had sex 3 times in June. And it's going on a month and we've had sex for approximately 1 minute. I don't mean to sound like I'm counting...but it's not so hard, as you can see. I attempt to turn him on, maybe 3 times a week now, hoping to "get lucky." I get rejected 95% of the time. Actually, unless he initiates something, nothing ever happens.

When I attempt to turn him on, he tells me he's not in the mood, or it's too late, or he's too tired, or his stomach hurts, or the grass wasn't green enough, or the sun wasn't hot enough, or his fingernails didn't grow, or the food wasn't good, or he forgot to check his email, etc...(but mainly the first 4, obviously using a bit of sarcasm to get over my rejections)...When I ask what's up with the not having sex, he'll make a comment like "Well, I was in the mood last night, but didn't think you were."

So in any case, a few miscommunications here and there do contribute to it all. We attempt to talk about it, but he ends up defensively (though not sincerely) apologizing for it and I end up feeling rotten because I'm unhappy with our sex life and feel like a little bit of a s!^# because I want to have sex.

Now, he's probably got a lot working against him...he's on anti-depressants and HBP meds, he's overweight by a lot (which I'd love to see him do something about--but it's another thing he's not too cracked up to do).

What should I do?

Sorry it's so long! Yikes! Apparently I needed to talk to someone about this!!

Add a Comment3 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

he's definately going through something. i can say that because i know us guys dont need much motivation.
anyway, i'd love to help you out(heheh)

a guy in fresno

July 16, 2009 - 3:19pm

We talked about it (well, I wrote the post after having a brief conversation with him and him ending it in sharing his annoyance that my "default is to have sex every night.")...last night. I told him I didn't feel our prior conversation had been conclusive. He apologized and listened and shared his concerns too. I was able to share everything I had thought about for two days (including the "if I were to have sex once and a while, I may not default to it every night.").

I asked him about his meds and he said that he hasn't changed any...also that he doesn't take any hypertensive meds...just the anti-depressants. But I didn't think about the novelty of a new relationship being a big draw.

He said that we don't have matching sex drives and that he wishes he was 20 and ready to have sex every night. I thought that was strange...because I'd be plenty happy with a few times a week, ya know? I'm not 20 either.

Thanks for your response :)...

I spent several years in France :) I'd love to live a Paris all my life :P But I'd need some family there of some sort :)!

July 9, 2009 - 9:12am

Hi, liveaparis,

So glad you found EmpowHer. Welcome, and thanks for your question.

(And before we get started, when are you going to live `a Paris? A notable goal! Do it! Do it!)

OK. Back to the topic.

I can tell how frustrated you are, and how much fun this is NOT. Wanting a good, active sex life is normal; feeling rejected all the time is inhibiting at best and hurts our self-esteem and self-image. We think something must be wrong with us. We wonder if he's not interested in us anymore (even if he assures us that he is). We want not only the sex, but the closeness that intimacy brings. Without that intimacy, we get more and more like roommates and less and less like a couple.

Miscommunications do happen, absolutely. But if I had to guess, I would guess that his medications have contributed to a loss of libido for your boyfriend. That when the relationship was new, it was enough to raise that libido and enjoy sex despite the meds, but once the relationship got more familiar and sex wasn't as new anymore, the libido disappeared again. It's no one's fault.

A normal, healthy 32-year-old man would be very interested in sex. I imagine it puzzles him some as well. But a loss of libido is one of the most common side effects in both high blood pressure medication and in anti-depressants. It seems to (unfortunately) go with the territory. It's nothing he needs to be defensive about, though I can understand why he might feel that way. It's a challenge, though.

Here's are a couple of pages that talk about blood pressure meds and sexual side effects:



And here are a couple of pages that talk about anti-depressants and loss of sex drive:



Do you think your boyfriend would talk to his doctor about this? Perhaps another anti-depressant would be less likely to cause this. Or perhaps your doctor would talk to him about losing weight and lowering his blood pressure (though I'm guessing he already has).

If he doesn't want to go to a doctor, and doesn't want to lose weight/ work on the blood pressure, is that a deal-breaker for you? It's important to know that your wants and needs are important here.

July 7, 2009 - 9:35am
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