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Why am I having foreplay anxiety 3 years into my marriage?

By Anonymous January 15, 2011 - 11:00am
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I am 27 years old and have been married for 3 years. My husband and I chose not to have intercourse until we got married, and we had a very positive experience when we did start having sex (great chemistry!). I have always had a very strong sex drive, and am very comfortable with my body and communicating what I want with my husband. But in the past two years or so I've noticed that I don't want any part in foreplay (kissing or oral sex) and I have NO IDEA why. When my husband begins to kiss romantically and try to connect I begin to laugh nervously or pull away. If he tries to keep kissing (playfully, nor forcefully), I actually start to feel panicked, like I'm going to punch him or push him away violently if it doesn't stop. I feel awful because I'd rather just get to having intercourse than spend the time getting aroused for it because it's becoming a stressful experience. I cannot relax and enjoy foreplay, which was always my favorite thing.

Consequently, I rarely orgasm, and have been feeling so guilty that I'm not desiring sex like I used to. I know it makes my husband feel bad that I never initiate anymore. I can masturbate and orgasm in 30 seconds when I am by myself, but when we're together it takes 30 or 40 minutes, which to me feels like an eternity. I put so much pressure on myself to perform and apologize constantly. My husband is so sweet and patient, and he wants so badly to please me - he'd wait hours if that's what it took.... so why am I feeling this way?

I've never had any sexual trauma, and I don't feel depressed. The only medicine I take is birth control (Ocella). I exercise regularly, eat a good diet, have good relationships with family and friends. I do have a very busy life (I'm getting my doctorate degree) and tend to get stressed out easily... but I'm not sure what else I can do to modify my lifestyle. I'm feeling so incredibly guilty that I'm a bad wife. Are there any books I could read? Is seeing a therapist appropriate for this situation? Thank you for your help.

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,
If you USED to enjoy foreplay, do you remember when that changed?
Yes, there is certainly sex therapy that you can go to which will certainly help. If you provide the city and State you live in, we can provide you some resources.

January 16, 2011 - 10:18am
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