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Why is this happening

By Anonymous May 16, 2010 - 3:49pm
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My boyfriend and I have been together for about 9 months now. We used to have sex about every other day. Now, it has been almost 3 months since we have done anything. I sleep either in just panties or in nothing at all every night just so he will get the hint that I am ready. If I try to come onto him, he makes excuses not to do anything. I found out about a month ago that he is staying awake longer than I do just so he can get online and masturbate to porn. He does this EVERY night instead of coming to bed with me and having the real thing. He is 22 and I am 23 so I would think that he would be all about sex. I have asked him why he masturbates all the time instead of having sex and he says that it has nothing to do with me and that masturbation is just easier and quicker. I have tried everything that I can think of to get him to have sex with me. What am I missing? I have been told that maybe I need to join him or bring porn into the sex, but he won't watch it when I am around him and if he watches it during sex, then he is just thinking of whoever is in the video. I have brought up all sorts of ideas to him and he still wants nothing to do with it. Is he addicted to porn? This is really frustrating and it is ruining our relationship. Whenever I try to talk to him abou it, he just gets mad at me. Someone please help! I really want things to be back to the way they were. I have my needs too and i REALLY do not want to go elsewhere to fulfill them.

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I'm sorry you are going through this. Have you read our other discussion threads regarding women who are wondering why their boyfriend/partner/husband will no longer have sex with them? It may help you to read some of the comments. (Here is the most recent discussion: Why doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex anymore?.

I assume you know that this has nothing to do with sex. The "red flags" in your message have more to do with the communication between the two of you; the seeming lack of care that your boyfriend has for your concerns, and what his actions are telling you. The biggest red flag is: "when I try to talk with him, he gets mad at me", and this one sentence tells me that something is really wrong, and this is not a healthy relationship. I'm sorry to be blunt, but you said your needs are not being met (and you don't want to go elsewhere...which is a threat and just about sex). Have you stepped back for a moment, taken sex out of the equation, and asked yourself: what DO you want from a relationship? Do you want a person who cares about your feelings, talks with you about your concerns, tries to problem-solve issues? Do you want someone who listens to your ideas, openly communicates when there is a problem (so you don't have to "fish" for them), and is honest, forthcoming, shows physical affection? I sure hope these are the things you want, and feel you deserve, in a relationship.

If this person is not giving you want you need in a relationship, instead of trying to "beg" and plead and wonder what is wrong with you or give threats that you are going to cheat...and on and on...try to see a different perspective. View this relationship from a bird's eye view, and just observe without judgment or emotion (I know...easy to say). Try it for a week or two. What type of relationship do you have? Does this person bring out the best in you, and do you bring out the best in this person? Are you listened to, cared for, needs met? The problems that exist in the relationship...are they being actively worked on by both people without begging/pleading/threatening/guilt-tripping? What would you think of this couple if it were someone else, say your best friend? Be your own best friend, and decide for yourself what brings you joy, peace, happiness, health, wellness and begin doing those things for yourself. If your boyfriend wants to be a part of your life, he will rise to the occasion. If not, you will already be happy on your own, with strength and independence.

May 16, 2010 - 8:28pm
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