When I was young, I was fascinated by the Matryoshka dolls or the Russian nesting doll sets. I enjoyed discovering one the little wooden figure inside another. According to tradition the outer layer of the set is a woman and the smallest, innermost doll is the baby.
Little did I know this would be my experience moving through the process of recovery; peeling back the layers of my adult self to reveal what has been fully, solidly true for me from the beginning.
When I said the words, "I need help" I was actually pulling apart the first doll, the outer "grown up" protective version of me who dared never let anyone know who I really was. The stubborn, stop-at-nothing-to-get-my-way, willful and power-hungry me would dodge emotional inquisition with an abrupt turn of the heel or twist of the shoulder assuring no one could get too close. If by chance someone did, I'd swiftly pull my protective shield tighter so my tears and pain of not being understood, accepted and valued wouldn't be seen. The tighter the shield the louder the messages in my head.
Never let them see you break.
Have a drink to relax.
No one will notice.
Skip the meal.
Shrink from the truth.
Never let them pull you apart.
Oh how I resisted being pulled apart. I had no idea how much I needed to shed layers to open up and understand how and why the real me could emerge and be free.
In a very profound sense, I had to peel myself all the way back to the solid center where I might reconsider stories I told myself through the years about what a successful life would look like. The process was not easy, fast or in a straight line. The foundational changes I've been able to achieve were born from devoted attention to the next right step toward a life that makes sense.
Those who have bravely walked this recovery path before me advised eventually more would be revealed to me about me. I initially feared the idea because I simply could not imagine going any deeper than I already had.
Yet as time goes on I'm finding there is more, much more. There's one particular story I've recently found myself having to reconsider.
This is the story I'd long told myself about money.
Yes, financial layers are tricky and often transparent. One yields security, one status. Another offers shelter and then another, identity. So what happens when these layers begin to shed?
I'll tell you what can happen. Just like the realization I could change the story I told myself about needing alcohol on a daily basis or why I had to obsessively manipulate the size and shape of my body, I'm finding I can move beyond the story I'd told myself about money and what is real worth.
Do not misunderstand! I am not suggesting I enjoy the daily discussions in the kitchen about what we can do without. This is not the preferred breakfast table conversation but the necessary one. I don't like this particular phase of the life I share with my husband but I know from experience what I don't like might very well be just be what I need.
If the absolute miracle of overcoming an unhealthy need for alcohol and a body size and shape not intended for me was possible, I am more than willing to peel back another layer revealing the truth about what I actually need to feel financially sound.
Makes me wonder what's inside the next little Matryoshka doll of my life. Armed with gratitude for what's been revealed so far, I can't wait to find out.
A Moment to Breathe ....
What feels challenging for you today? What layer are you resisting to pull back? Are you afraid of what might be revealed or are you willing to take a look? Are you actually protecting yourself or holding yourself back?