There was something about her tone of voice that really intimidated me. You see the doctor that I had just hired asked me a question, “You do want your child to be socialized, don’t you?” Even though I heard this term alot in college, I had not associated it with my own loved ones. So I didn’t really know how to answer her. I felt uninformed and very much like I had missed an important tenant of parenting somehow. Being one of the best in her field was why I sought her out after all. But not only was she l-a-t-e for our initial appointment, she made no effort to even apologize. She made it clear that she was the VIP (and not us) and was giving a speech to a prestigious group the very next day. She had one of her interns take my baby into another treatment room while we talked, and I complied. She asked me to wait outside while she examined my child and again I ignored my instincts. I tried calling my husband’s cell but couldn’t reach him for input. Then I heard my newborn screaming and went into the room without permission. The doctor informed me that she needed me to stay outside. I ignored her as my child’s cry finally caused my parental instincts to start kicking in. The fear that struck my newborn and I was paralyzing. We sat and hugged each other so tight, and for a long time before heading home. I cannot tell you why I allowed her authoritarian presence to replace my common sense, but I did. And because of this an other growth opportunities like it, I relate well to parents who seem to go numb when an alpha-pathologist is speaking to them: whether this person has their child's best interest at heart or not. This reminds me of the morning I went to enroll my son in the public high school near our home… But that’s a story for another day.
Thanks for letting me vent in this forum. It sure would be nice to know if anyone else can relate to me. I'd love to hear from you. Take care. :)
There's a fearles parent in all of us. Seen yours lately?
Adelaide Zindler, FP (Fearless Parent)
www.FearlessParenting.com
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I have an expremature baby who is now 3 years old. And in 2008 my son had breathing difficulties and needed emergency care, my son was in need of oxygen because he was working hard at his breathing. When the doctors admitted my son into the hospital and into the childrens ward, I was accused of abusing my son. They looked at his history and saw that my son has had lots of exrays and scans hence when he was an infant in Neo Natal Intensive Care Unit. I thought that would of been resolved with a letter describing the details of the birth. And if there were why was it ignored. The doctors should of taken the time to read the information where my son was located after he was born. I gave them permission to take a look. And you know all they needed todo was go to Neo Natal Intensive Unit, to find out if the story was true or not, and why would I make up a story like that. I stood my ground and I was not going to let anyone come into our life just because some doctors disbelieved the story.
June 26, 2010 - 8:56pmThis Comment
Hey Alison, How true it is
I am beginning to realize that our intuition is challenged as new parents more by our own choices: dads included. You didn't say how old you child is now, but I suspect that you have had many more empowering opportunities to parent without fear since then. While I will not go into the detail as it is more painful for me to describe than you might believe. The mystery of physical touch has been solved. Our children are recorded to feel touch before we know we are even pregnant. So by the time of a newborn's male surgery I assure you they feel it intensely. A friend of mine gave birth in the olden days (she is a senior citizen) and for whatever reason they did not remove her from the room. I cringe every time she even describes the scene of what she saw happening before her eyes. Our greatest challenge in America is the re-awakening of our own instincts and fearlessness. It was Hitler who said it best.
"By the skillful and sustained use of propaganda, one can make a people see even heaven as hell or an extremely wretched life as paradise... Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination. This is the war of the future... How fortunate for leaders that men do not think..."
You should study him sometimes with one eye on comparing his teachings with the outcomes we are getting in pediatric education and healthcare, and like me you'll be able to unearth the mindset of the contractors we hire as parents in America. It will make you fearless or nothing ever will! Thanks so much for sharing with me.
There's a fearless parent in all us.
Seen yours lately?
Adelaide Zindler, FP (Fearless Parent)
April 12, 2008 - 2:48pmwww.FearlessParenting.com
This Comment
I agree; I think ALL parents have similar stories like this one. We are taught that doctors are the primary source of all information and caring for our health. My son was born two months early, and had a (relatively) short stay in the NICU. I had a difficult recovery from delivery, and was not able to spend the night in the NICU, even if they didn't have "visiting hours" that ended at 9pm. The first 2 weeks of my life as a new mom, my son went through procedures and tests that I didn't even KNOW about until I read his discharge papers! (oh, the doctors would spout-out what was done the previous day during their rounds, as I'm desperately trying to breastfeed my baby behind a flimsy hospital curtain and trying to maneuver him in such a way so that his tubes and IVs and monitors don't come out and set off the alarms...wow, thinking back on this, I'm amazed at what we went through!
Luckily, we had AMAZING doctors. Some were not good, as the ones who breezed by us during their rounds treated us like objects (I felt like I was on TV; it was that contrived). However, we wrote down what they said (which made them slow down), and then the nurse and other doctors we saw we would ask them "what it meant". I received enough information to then do some research on the internet, ande that also helped me to ask "better" questions. Ugh...but it was all AFTER the procedures and I wasn't there for the little guy to console him (I was horrified that the "jury is still out" as to whether newborns feel pain the same way older kids/adults do; some don't receive pain medication for minor surgery!).
It's also a tough balance between consoling your child, and letting others console him/her. A few times, I let a nurse console my child during shots, and she was wonderful (I was right there). It was honestly difficult to tell whether my feelings were my 'instincts' telling me I should console him and not the nurse, or if I was just nervous with his crying.
I've found for me, that sometimes it is helpful for my son to know that there are other kind, nice, caring people who can offer emotional support for my son; I don't want to be the only in his life to be able to console him. What a difficult balance that I'm still trying to explore.
April 12, 2008 - 12:32pmThis Comment
You really do get me! Thanks so much for what you've shared. It helps so much to be able to vent in a safe forum like this.
I didn't give the end of that story did I? Not only was that our only visit in her office, but we are with a fabulous team of providers now. We actually coordinate our own healthcare mastermind group through the use of an Accupuncturist, an Osteopathic Pediatrician and a few others as needed. I interview her Pediatrician in a 7-week audio training series for families. You wouldn't expect that someone like me would have started the Fearless Parenting Institute. But having to work through more fears than most may give me a leg up on understanding others, I suppose. Take care. :)
There's a fearless parent in all of us.
Seen yours lately?
Adelaide Zindler, FP (Fearless Parent)
April 12, 2008 - 6:16amwww.FearlessParenting.com
This Comment
Dear Fearless Parent:
DON'T be too hard on yourself but make sure you learn from this terrible experience.
I had a similar experience with my daughter who was only 4 at the time and had to get a cavity filled. They had given her a sedative to put her in a twilight sleep while they filled the cavity. After she was given the sedative , they wanted to take her into another room away from me to do the procedure. My daughter started to scream, and the nurse ushered me out, I could hear her screaming from the waiting room, and my instincts told me to go in and hold her hand to calm her down but the dental assistant insisted every thing was alright. I can't tell you the guilt I felt as well as how stupid I felt for not trusting my instincts and not going back to comfort my daughter. I guess I was a little worried about what people would think. Now I know I don't care what other people think, it's more important to ALWAYS trust your instincts. Just recalling this memory almost makes me cry today even though it took place over 9 years ago.
So from this day forward......TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.
I would highly recommend you find another doctor she does not sound very good.
I think your post is SO IMPORTANT for other women to see. Thank you so much for taking time out to share your experience.
April 11, 2008 - 10:42amThis Comment