I am very happy and in love with my boyfriend, we have been best friends for three years. We want to get married but don't want to deal with the mental or financial stress of a wedding, what we really want to do is elope. I am talking to all of you about this because maybe you might have been in my shoes and have feedback! I know this is a decision I will not regret, he is the one for me, but I also don't want family gatherings to be hostile territory because we didn't make everyone and their dog a part of our special day. Thank you for your input! indiegirl.
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I just found the book that helped me through my decision (I read at least 10 of them!). This book discusses the many types of elopement and/or wedding options that are available; it may help spark your imaginations to create what you both want!
Let's Elope: The Definitive Guide to Eloping, Destination Weddings, and Other Creative Wedding Options
April 12, 2008 - 3:01pmby Scott Shaw
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You have been so helpful! I will definitely look into this!
Your story was beautiful!
Aspire to Inspire before you Expire
April 14, 2008 - 6:20pmThis Comment
Everyone has such great stories, so I'll share mine, too! :-)
I agree that what matters most is what you both want. Having your family and friends involved in some portion of the process is wonderful, as it is their presence that provides the support and love for beginning your many years of happiness together. They will feel that they contributed to your relationship and happiness as well. However, there are many ways for other people to be part of the process (I'll explain in a moment)...
One thought: I believe your financial situation sets the tone for much of the decision, as too many couples are getting married and finding out that they are hugely in debt from an extravagant wedding and honeymoon. If parents or relatives are paying, then there (probably) will be strings attached; make sure you know what those are first! If you both are paying, then deciding on an amount, what your short-term and long-term priorities are (wedding, reception, honeymoon, buying house, monthly budget, etc) will help you determine what your options are.
I know, not very romantic.
So, here's our story:
My soon-to-be husband and I had moved away from our family and friends to pursue careers five states away. I was in my 30s, he was in his 40s. We were already living together; had lived in separate houses/apartments before that...so we had all of the "stuff" we needed (no need for a formal wedding shower).
We had wanted to elope, but were terrified of hurting our parents and siblings with leaving them out. So, we started planning a long-distance wedding. As the details became more complicated (oh---and my previous career was part "event planner"...so I actually like planning!), the items became more expensive and not really "us". I read a book on "eloping" that provided the best information: the act of eloping is on a continuum; it's not an all-or-nothing choice. Hurray! So, we just talked about the aspects of the wedding and reception and honeymoon that we wanted, and created our own event(s)! We learned a lot about each other during the process: I was never one to dream about a big white dress and wedding cake. I like to be center of attention at times, but wanted to have a meaningful experience with my new husband. He wanted money leftover for many vacations, not just a honeymoon. He wanted to be outdoors and casual. And, we wanted to put more time and attention into the marriage and not in a one-time event, a formal wedding.
So...we planned our elopement to Albuquerque, where we got married on the fairgrounds of the International Balloon Fiesta. We went salsa dancing until the wee hours of the night before our wedding, we spent the day before writing our own vows. The day of the "wedding", our best friends where present, and then we took off in a hot air balloon with champagne. I wore a white blouse and nice pants (we joke that I probably paid as much for this outfit than for a wedding dress!!), but it was covered up by my winter coat (October + outdoors + 6am in ABQ = cold!). We were outside, surrounded by beautiful hot air balloons, in a place neither of us had been to.
Then, we drove 12 hours that night (our wedding night!) to Austin, Texas, where all of our family lived. The next day, we had a gorgeous backyard, Tex-Mex reception with our friends and family, and shared pictures and video from our elopement/wedding and the balloon festival itself. My mother-in-law baked an amazing cake. There were flowers on the tables. We provided guests with disposable cameras and had a million pictures afterwards. There was lots of margaritas and beer. It was perfect for us: we had time to ourselves, a few friends, then a larger reception that was causal and fun...all outdoors (plus, we actually go on vacations twice a year with the money we saved)! :-)
April 12, 2008 - 2:57pmThis Comment
my hubby and I both had large families when we got married. Everything had to be planned long distance for our wedding in my family's home town, San Francisco. We did have advantages, though. My family literally had the butcher, the baker, the florist and access to the S.F. Symphony, friends who ran the country club, etc. The only things we paid for were the photographer and the rented Rolls. There were 2 receptions and a breakfast for us; we were so lucky to have all this help around us. I tried like the dickens to keep things simple, but, no! An Asian family doesn't know how to do things simply. My hubby's Anglo Saxon/Slovenian family didn't know what hit them, haha!
To have eloped would have been an insult to everyone. After all, even the priest who had baptized my grandmother and brought us kids through First Communion officiated (yes, he was ancient).
It's really hard to say what's best for anyone. As the mother of a daughter, I would like to see her have a lovely wedding; but, that's up to her. Because the butcher, the baker et al aren't around for her, she'll certainly have a much different experience. But, that's okay. Whatever happens, it will be HER wedding done her way.
And, that's how I feel about this.
April 11, 2008 - 4:24pmThis Comment
Tina, I absolutely love your story. Wow. How romantic!!!
Indiegirl, I had a completely opposite experience getting married and looking back would definitely have done it differently. When we got married, James and I had dated for four years and decided to do the big, church wedding thing. However, being Korean, James' family had expectations of their own. So, to compromise and make everyone happy, we had TWO big weddings. Both had about 300 people -- the first was in my hometown, Oklahoma City, at the Episcopal church that I'd attended my whole life, with a slew of bridesmaids and groomsmen and a huge reception at the OKC Country Club. The second wedding was a traditional Korean (Buddhist) ceremony held in Weston, Massachusetts (near Boston) with about 300 Koreans in attendance, with elaborate Korean costumes and furniture shipped in from Seoul just for the occasion. I was transformed into a traditional Korean bride with the help of makeup, a black wig, a 24-karat headdress and silk Korean wedding dress.
TALK ABOUT STRESS!!!!!
By the time the two weddings were over, we not only felt married, we were totally burned out and exhausted. My mother-in-law was calling my mom a "dragon lady" in Korean, I was dealing with all kinds of cultural differences that I'd never anticipated prior to the weddings, my husband and I were bombarded with an endless number of crystal bowls and vases that we'd never be able to afford a large enough house for from people we didn't even know, and on top of that everyone expected me to send out over 600 thank you notes in a week's time.
Moral of the story: Your wedding or elopement or date with the justice of the peace is YOURS and yours only. No one else's. Get married the way you and your boyfriend want to do it. Start out your marriage the right way, where it's all about the two of you, and you'll end up with a beautiful story like Tina's that you'll love to share with others.
Kristin Park
April 11, 2008 - 10:16amhttp://ppdsurvivor.blogspot.com
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Indie girl,
My husband and I got married on a whim while on vacation in California and we wouldn't have done it any other way. When I say a whim -- we had been together nine years -- so we knew we were committed, but we had never been into the idea of a traditional church wedding. He hates formality and I've never been into sauntering down the aisle dressed up looking like a cupcake.
So about seven years ago, while on vacation in San Diego, we happened to walk by city hall and looked at one another. We hadn't planned on getting married ... but hey ... it was RIGHT THERE.
When we got back to our hotel, we called the Justice of the Peace who said she was booked for the day but she had an opening the next day. Perfect! No need for a wedding planner here.
There was one small step we still had to take, however.
In California, you don't need a blood test and you don't need to be a resident, but you do need rings. Because we were on vacation, we had no rings in our possession, so we walked about four blocks to the Von's grocery store, dropped two quarters in a bubble gum machine and there were our rings. We were both extremely happy with the bubble gum machine gods who seemed to spit out rings we both really liked.
The following day, we went down to the JOP's office -- which sits close to the water -- filled out our marriage licenses and were married outside with the Pacific Ocean in the background on a beautiful May day. Our witness was a woman who worked at city hall and was on her way to lunch.
The best part of it was when we got home and told our families, instead of being angry, their reaction was "Finally!" They were thrilled.
And when it came to costs, here's how everything broke down.
Cost for the wedding license: $60
Cost for Wedding rings: 50 cents
Doing it your way: Priceless
And this is not to say our way is the best way for everyone, but we wouldn't get married any other way.
Best wishes for a long and happy union!
April 11, 2008 - 8:40amThis Comment