Let me start by saying i dont know if im posting this at the right place or not but I have to let this out as i think my whole life is just a little messy in my head because of my past. The title is a very very limited representation of what happened to me as achild so i am now a 33 year old married women with a husband and two kids. I have a wonderful career and seemingly wonderful life on the outside but on the inside there are things in my past I haven't told anyone about. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. I am a health professional and the more i learnt the more it triggered memories of things that happened that were not ok at all. It started really really young with our nanny . I believe i had to be like 9years old when I was introduced to sex by this girl she was having sex with some guy in the neighborhood and would tell me about it and tell me she could show me what he did, it extended to my brother she would involve us and have us perform sex acts on each other. Dear Lord when i say it outloud i feel soo sorry for a young me. I feel like crying right now. Smh fast forward my cousin another female also had sexual relations with me she was 7years older . Shit i think i need help i may be in a lot more trouble than I thought. Ok let me just say what happened with my father. My dad and i are very very close and at the time this happened he was a church elder he has since gone on to become a pastor. I have memories that are terrible. My mum had a dressing room and i loved to sleep on the cool tile a lot and my dad would come and hang out with me . It started off innocent i was asking him questions to understand some of the things friends would talk about . We were very sheltered growing up . I remember a conversation and I don't know how it got to talking about breasts but he did touch my nipples under my shirt and he did put my breast in his mouth and ask how it felt. I also remember a conversation that we had in the bathroom and he said he wanted to make sure my hymen was still there and he put his finger in my vagina. I remember him saying I shouldn't tell my mum cuz she would be very angry with me. Oh dear lord I don't know what to do with any of this im soo fucked up in the head I keep having these memories and its scary to me feels like it happened to someone else. Please someone help me
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Thank you for reaching out to the EmpowHER community.
I commend you on the courage it took to share this post, because you took the first step to healing -- you shattered the silence. And with this one courageous act you will bring about potentially helping a child or helping a sexual abuse survivor.
It saddens me to read that as an innocent child, the very people who you expected to protect you, were the very ones who harmed you. Survivors knowing and trusting their perpetrator, often times, is the case. It's as if their explicit role in a child's life protects them instead of other way around. The fact of the matter is, you were surrounded by people who were in the position of knowing and took advantage of your vulnerable "not knowing" state in a very intimate way.
You mentioned feeling like you felt bad for the younger " you". That makes sense because as an adult and remembering, you are grieving for that inner child inside of you. The one who is having memories, so yes, if you feel like crying, give yourself permission to mourn. You are not responsible so please don't accept any guilt or shame. Go ahead and allow your inner child and the adult woman in you to cry. Crying can be very cleansing to the soul and as your tears dissipate, the absence of them will mark your progress on your journey to heal.
If there is one thing I want you to take away from this exchange is that they (your perpetrators) didn't destroy you and you can't let it (the sexual abuse) define you. Take this opportunity to invest in yourself and explore counseling. Think of it as an act of "self love" because you need to nuture and heal your inner child so you can continue to be the amazing woman, wife and mother that you are today. It may not be easy but it will be worth it.
While on your healing journey, you can turn what was meant for negative.... into a positive. You may not be able to understand how, but it's possible. For starters you can use your experience, knowledge and strenth to educate and protect your own children.
In the meantime, in addition to seeking counseling, some other suggestions to help soothe any anxiety or low moods are to use tools like prayer, exercising (i.e. practicing yoga, indoor spinning, etc.) and/or starting a gratitude journal.
I hope that you are proud of yourself for taking this very important first step. Remember, as you go forward, let your faith be bigger than your fear.
Inhale the future.....exhale the past.
My prayers are with you.
With Love and Wellness,May 17, 2016 - 10:48pm
Thank you soo much for those kind words. I have prayed for healing and I feel every time that God is leading me towards finding councelling to help me deal with this stuff. Ironically the person I would usually go to for advice is my father :( , i do have a question though, do I tell my husband about this stuff I don't think I can devulge some of the things to him as I don't want him to look at me or my father in a different light. Oh my goodness i need to find a therapist. I'm going to look for one today. I do thank you and I really just want to find inner peace so i can move on .May 18, 2016 - 1:12am