My husband and I have been married almost 2 years in may. He joined the military instantly and we were seperated while he was in basic training. We argued constantly over the phone in those times. We have a 3 month old daughter as well. About 4 days ago we got into our biggest argument. I said alot of mean and hurtful things to him that can never be erased. He told me that he will not tolerate me acting that way and disrespecting him, he also said he needs time to think about if he wants me anymore. Today in the car he said he did not want me anymore and had it not been for our daughter he would have already put me out. I guess all the signs are there. I guess I just have to take action? He is giving me mixed emotions. I mean the thing is I put up with him drinking, partying, and watching porn. He knows I do not approve of any of those things and I forgive him.. he has been mad at me for 4 days and I still cook, clean, take care of our baby. I told him I was sorry and explained to him that I am just so freaking stressed out! But he is not hearing anything I have to say. I am alone in this big city, no family, no friends. I don't have anywhere to go. I don't have anyone but him. What do i do?
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Hi Justtrying22,
March 16, 2011 - 9:03amThank you for sharing your story, and for joining EmpowHER. You no doubt are going through it right now. You are "in the trenches" (as we say around our house) with taking care of your daughter. Having an infant is incredibly stressful, and can do a number on your physical and emotional well-being. Right now you need a partner you can count on. If your husband is not that person right now, you've got to find a place where you can get the support you need. I'm concerned about you having post-partum depression. I've had it, and I can attest it's no picnic. If your husband is not empathetic to that, I'm sorry. There still is something you can do. I luckily had a husband who didn't realize what I was going through, but knew something was wrong. Mine tried to be supportive. Your husband may have his own things he's going through in relation to being a husband and new dad.
But first things first. Take a break from the drama with your husband. You need to get some support for your own health and the health of your daughter. Call your doctor's office and explain that you're going through some tough times emotionally and that you have no support--they likely will suggest a support group and may refer you to a therapist that you can talk with. They may even suggest anti-depressant medication to help you in your current situation. In cases of Post-Partum Depression, most medical professionals recommend a three-sided approach: talk therapy in a one-on-one format, talk therapy in a group format, and medication. Together, you can work through some of your own issues and get on some solid footing yourself, so you can move forward regardless of the relationship with your husband. However, the goal is, if you get help for yourself, and can get stronger and your husband may experience a turn around in his own behavior when he sees you taking care of yourself. You likely will learn of new ways to communicate with him that isn't hurtful and demeaning, but instead is constructive and adult-like.
What do you think? Bear in mind, we are not doctors or therapists. You've got to do what's right for you. I believe you can get on better ground with your husband, and for yourself too, but you've got to work on it.
Take care, and let us know how you're doing.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my situation. I actually talked to my doctor about having post-partum depression, but the dr. said it was just the baby blues and I just kind of pushed it to the back of my mind. I struggle even know with my emotions, I have never been one to express myself without lashing out in some way when things become unbearable. Today me and my husband actually sat down and talked about some of the problems in our relationship. We came to a understanding and he said he is willing to understand where im coming from. He said that we must respect each other and not put each other down but rather build each other up. I was relieved that he opened up, just out of the blue he wanted to talk. Yes it is amazing when you have a support system and I am very glad I joined EmpowHer. Thank you for responding so swiftly and giving me the much needed advice and staying postive.
March 16, 2011 - 5:23pmThis Comment
Hi justrying22,
March 17, 2011 - 7:15amThanks for coming back! I'm so glad you seem to have had a good discussion with your husband. My sister went through a similar situation with her husband when they had their first baby. He was going out all the time, and seemed to be oblivious to my sister's emotional and physical stress from taking care of the baby. He claimed he was "working", but we all knew he was avoiding his responsibility at home. He thought it meant his life was over, but once he and my sister had a good talk, he came around and started pitching in. Their relationship turned around for the good. I hope yours will in this way too. :)
Hey, I wanted to tell you also, if you feel like you're struggling with depression, tell your doctor to listen to you, or tell your doctor's nurse. Sometimes the doctor is prone to brush things off, and if you have an old-school doctor in particular, they may be of the mind you just need to get over it. It's not always that easy. So if you're struggling, make someone listen to you so you can get the emotional support and tools to cope you need. I know my life would have been very different if I hadn't searched out my support when I needed it.
If you need to "talk" more, let us know. There also are groups here for dealing with being a mom, depression, and PPD. Check it out! https://www.empowher.com/groups
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Thanks for all the tips. After we talked about 2 days ago he told me today that he is still undecided about being with me. He told me that what I said to him really hurt him. I don't know what else to do. I will make myself sick worrying about it. So im just not going to care anymore and if we break up then we just do. I have apologized countless times and I can not take back what I said. Thanks again.
March 18, 2011 - 1:36pmThis Comment
Stop apologizing. You likely were really hurt and feeling abandoned and that is why you said it. You both are valid for how you are feeling. This whole marriage and parenthood thing likely isn't how you thought it would be. It's hard...really hard. But you two need to form a united front. Put away past hurts, and forge a new frontier of being together and caring for your daughter. I know it can be hard to get past these things. If you want to be with him, you can't stop caring. You may instead need to start focusing on what's good, and ask for help if you need it. Be non-threatening, and as loving a partner as much as you can. If you are struggling, tell him. If you are disappointed, tell him. If parenting and marriage isn't what you thought it would be like, tell him. At the end of the day, you both have a responsibility to your daughter, and to each other. If you need time away, schedule that. If he does, schedule that, and let him have it. You both likely will be happier if you work together at this. Again, I'm not a therapist, but I've been there, and have had counseling for PPD. It's just my suggestions. I know it's hard to see it when you're in the thick of it. And getting past it is often easier said than done--it takes time and healing. Get the help you need from doctors and therapists if you are able. Every bit helps in my opinion. If you're healthy, it can make everything else easier too. You've got to do what works for you and your family.
March 21, 2011 - 8:24amTake care,
Christine
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