Anytime anyone (mother, boyfriend, society at large) references my weight gain and concern that I'm doing nothing about it I become incredibly defensive, citing the tremendous psychological factors associated with my weight gain and the mental effort I'm making that they can't see.
[Edited for language]
But instead of taking these comments and concerns and using them to fuel my weight loss efforts, I become passive aggressive.
[Edited for language] I think, "I'm going to stop eating altogether and get so skinny that you'll be begging me to eat".
I make vast plans to work out twice a day, because that'll show them. I'll become so intensely focused that I won't have time for them.
When they ask if I want to go to the movies I'll say "No thanks, I'm working out" and whisk my hair up into a ponytail. Sorry people, I'm REALLY BUSY losing the weight you said I needed to lose. [Edited for language]
Yes, this is what the inside of my angry brain looks like. It's a dark and dangerous place.
And despite these strong, aggressive feelings, I still find myself eating per usual the next day. Doing exactly what I furiously decided to do to Show Them. I don't show them. I just reinforce their beliefs that I Have A Problem.
It makes everything worse.
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