Big stereotype: women like to talk all the time, and men don't.
Hold on - is this really a stereotype? We think of stereotypes as distorted reality that have only thin shreds of truth. But we also know that stereotypes do indeed bear many truths.
Women really do like to talk to their boyfriends, partners and husbands. More than their boyfriends, partners or husbands like to talk to them. And women tend to get upset or frustrated when their man doesn't communicate with them the same way. But since men and women ARE so different, it makes little sense to expect the same from them as we expect from ourselves.
Let's work with the differences instead of trying to make men more like us. They aren't like us and that ok. In fact, for me, that's great! Vive la difference! (you can insert a French accent if you like).
"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny, says that all that talk by women is turning men away and making them clam up even more!
Men tend to retreat in times of difficulty and women want to establish dialogue. So in times of marriage difficulty, men get annoyed with women who want to hash out all the issues ad nauseum, and women think men don't care because they won't discuss everything in detail.
This authors of this book think that women expect men to talk too much and need to understand that it's not in their nature. In other words, not every single issues needs to be verbally beaten to death and sometimes we can say a lot more by saying a lot less. Expecting men to do what comes unnaturally is unfair, unrealistic and can lead to far more problems than before.
It's fair to want men to talk. And communicate. But there are other ways to communicate, in addition to chat. Making a great dinner. Cuddling. Eating together. Taking a walk. Holding hands. Sex. Enjoying a glass of wine in the late evening. Body language. Putting away laundry: he folds, you hang.
In other words, it doesn't have to be all about talking. It's all about "connecting".
Makes sense to me.
For more on this subject, click here http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/09/26/o.improve.your.marriage/in...
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Does this theory ring true to you? Why/Why not?
How do you connect best with your husband/partner?
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This subject reminds me of a book I read, Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus. Did anyone else read it?
I am also very blunt like Alysia. Most of the time, I think it comes across as hurtful although, that is not my intension. When it comes to teaching or an investigative work ethic, I become very wordy and contumacious. Maybe this is why at home, I am very short, to the point and don't want the confrontation.
As for the book, I specifically remember that when a women talk to their men, men want to help and resolve the problem when women tend to just want to talk to make noise. Which causes an issue for women because we want to complain or talk just to create a conversation, not so much to resolve an issue.
As for men, they tend to not want to talk because they don't want to feel so close to someone and tend to withdraw into their 'caves' as they called it. Once in the cave, they tend to regather and once they emerge, they are ready to be loved and communicate again.
So, all in all, we have cavemen and chatterboxes. Understanding how each one of us operates and understanding that it is nothing personal can create a beautiful bond.
September 27, 2008 - 9:54amThis Comment
Based on my own observation, women tend to take a more circuitous route in addressing an issue, men tend to get to the point. I think it's because women tend to be more sensitive toward people and their feelings, if not a bit uncomfortable in dealing with conflict and getting tangled in their own emotions.
I think women look for acceptance, and to be cherished and appreciated. Men want to be acknowledged and have a way of demanding attention that's very different from women. Have you ever paid attention to how men ask for things? Women ask permission; men just take action, forget asking, lol!
I'm a bottom-line person and have a tendency to get to the point in conversation (not necessarily in writing, weird, eh?). I think it's because I had very strong male influences in my life (father, grandfathers, uncle). But, I hate confrontation.
My husband hates skirting the issue, but he is a master at tact. I'm not; I'm blunt. We're action-oriented, as well; yet rather reserved in social conversation. He is a very funny man, meaning he has a great sense of humor and constantly makes me laugh. We've been married 30 years and couldn't possibly have made it this far without his sense of humor and diplomatic manner. He doesn't like to talk about deep feelings; he expects me to operate by ESP. Sound familiar to any wives out there?
My DH did say to me, once, that he wants to feel cherished by me. That absolutely took me by surprise. So, we've gone through our married life paying attention to the "little things."
September 26, 2008 - 6:28pmThis Comment
Great topic Susan. I think so many women feel such frustration and sometimes isolation when their husbands don't want to talk about something as much as they do.
And I'm with you -- let people do what's natural.
For my husband and I, I think we're more of an action couple than a talking couple. We love to play tennis, go for runs (or if we're tired, sometimes walks) play games, you get the idea. Along the way, there's a pretty good share of ribbing - and that's how we communicate.
We've been together 17 years (8 of those married) and so far, we're holding up pretty well. I know this probably wouldn't work for a lot of people out there, but it works for us. What works for you?
September 26, 2008 - 1:47pmThis Comment