Resentment: The Enemy of Lust?

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We harbor secret, ancient grudges. We may not be at horror-movie level in terms of our anguished cries of remorse, regret, resentment and seething bitterness, but sometimes, especially before the first cup of coffee at 5am or after the last load of laundry at midnight, we're pretty darn close. Our lists begin to lengthen and the injustices of the day, week, month, year, lifetime get tallied and counted, over and over with a dedicated fervor akin only to certain beads which shall remain nameless.

We feel our lips and our legs slowly shut, tighter, tighter...our hearts growing icier, our minds tuning out anything extraneous and the moaning of orgasm, forget it, completely unnecessary noise.

So we know, when we are women scorned, or at least perceiving ourselves to be scorned, that intimacy is out of the question, for our fury may be masked but, brother, it is deep. We polish off the last of the dishes and scurry into our "zone" to avoid the issue of avoiding lovemaking, quickly and quietly and tossing and turningly prepared to hold things against people for the remainder of eternity.

We think this is powerful and of course, it is. Sex can be banished by resentment on our parts or the parts of our significant others in the blink of a dejected eye. What was an expectation for a close, warm, bubbly, lovely evening can become a giant disappointment at the turning of a sharp-tongued phrase.

Yet how many of us have also been aroused by resentment, fueled, turned on, recharged? Have you ever "turned that frown upside down" and let your anger be your passion?

It is possible to have hot, steamy, sultry, passionate jealousy sex or to let out your frustrations with your partner by riding them to oblivion in the bedroom. All the physical energy pent up and bound up with anger can be released through exercise, stretching and dance. Combining all three without shutting out your partner may be a way back into each others' good graces, allowing you to laugh about things that make you want to cry and maybe even talk about deeper issues once the tension has been broken.

If you love your loved one, using intimacy and sex to reconnect even in times of great heartache can bring you back to the place where you want to work it out. Or at least, you worked out.

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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.