The Paradox of Perfectionism

Good Intentions, Poor Results

There's nothing wrong with striving to do the best you can. The key is in knowing your limitations.

The flexible person says, "I'll aim for perfection and give it my all, but if it's not perfect, so be it." The perfectionist strives for 110%, and says, "I must perform well, and if I don't, I'm a failure." When perfection eludes him, he starts to feel like a failure. The irony is that the time and energy put into doing the perfect job is likely to exhaust him to the point of burn out and results in a job that's poorly done.

An Unhealthy Habit

In his recent book, When Perfect Isn't Good Enough, McMaster University psychologist Dr. Martin Antony says that some people are perfectionists only at work, in sport, or in relationships. Other people strive to be perfect in every area of life, with potentially fatal results.

A study by Dr. Sidney Blatt of Yale University has linked perfectionism with a high risk of ]]>depression]]> and suicide. "The idea is that perfectionism is linked to self-criticism," explains Blatt.

You're not likely to die in the pursuit of perfection, but a constant cycle of striving, failure, and self-criticism does create stress, which floods the blood with hormones like epinephrine and cortisol. Both have been proven to impair your immune system, making you more vulnerable to everything from the ]]>flu]]> to cancer. Perfectionists can expect others to be perfect, too, leading to arguments, broken relationships and more stress.

Perfectionism at Work

Perfectionism in the workplace often manifests itself as over-preparation, says Dr. Antony. "You'll put in way too many hours trying to get everything just right. You'll read reports and then reread them, write and rewrite. Your behavior is determined by what's going on in your head. What you're really saying to yourself is: 'I've got to do a perfect job. If I put in all this effort and all those checks, I might avoid failure.'"

To avoid setting this trap for yourself, experts suggest the following:

• "Challenge your thinking," says Palmer. "Think of the times you've made a less-than-perfect presentation and survived. Now replace your perfectionistic thoughts with 'It's strongly preferable to do well, but realistically, nothing bad will happen if I don't.'
• Find out if your perfectionistic beliefs are true. Leave a pertinent fact off your overhead or make a spelling mistake on a slide. You'll learn very quickly that the world won't end if you don't get it exactly right.

Perfectionism at Play

Among the most common signs of perfectionism in sport are unrealistic expectations, says leading UK sports psychologist Tony Gleadell. Let's say you're a great practice golfer. But during competition, the pressure to do well is so great that you play badly.

"If your game doesn't flow straight away, you start to fall short of your expectations," explains Gleadell. "That creates extra pressure, and you tighten up." And then, of course, you couldn't hit the ball in the hole if your life depended on it.

You need to set realistic goals, says Gleadell. And compare like with like. Are you a pro golfer? No. Then aim for what you can do, not for what you can't, says Gleadell. "You'll have less stress. You can let your talent take you where it will, and you'll have fun being there."

Procrastination: A Classic Perfectionist Ploy

Imagine that you have to write a speech for your friend's wedding. You sit down with a sheet of paper, but you feel too anxious to be creative, and the anxiety makes you feel hungry. So you get up to fix a snack. After that you wash the kitchen floor, defrost the freezer, cut the grass, do the laundry, and wash the car.

Procrastination is a classic sign of perfectionism. You're thinking "I want to write the best speech ever, but I'm scared of writing one that's less than ideal because it means I'm a failure at some level." So instead, you engage in what psychologists call displacement behaviors. They reduce your anxiety for a bit, but then you realize that you've run out of time!

Try this instead, suggests Palmer:

• Prioritize—List the things that need doing and beside each one write what will happen if you don't do it today. Now grade each task according to the seriousness of the consequences. Chances are that the kitchen floor can wait but the speech can't.
• Break the task up into chunks—Writing the speech is much more daunting than just writing the first paragraph. Then you can take one step at a time until you're done.

Ease Up on Friends and Family

Perfectionists often expect everyone around them to be perfect, and become angry when they are not. According to Lynn Alden, clinical psychologist and relationship expert at the University of British Columbia, having perfectionist expectations of others is consistently linked with marital discord and tense friendships. "There's something toxic about expecting others to be perfect. The other person can't meet those expectations, so the perfectionist directs a lot of ]]>anger]]> and disapproval at them."

To combat this, make a conscious decision not to force your perfectionist ways on others, then see what happens. For example, just be quiet and let your partner wash the dishes however he chooses. We bet you won't catch any rare diseases, despite the fact that he did the task differently than you would have.

The Paradox

The paradox of perfectionism, says Palmer, is that perfectionists often under-perform in all areas of life. Flexible thinkers, on the other hand, those who say "I'll aim to do my best, but if I don't achieve it, too bad", tend to be more successful, happier, and more balanced.