As I anxiously awaited the birth of my child, I consulted many different sources of information to find out about caring for a newborn, breastfeeding and preparing for birth. But I remember reading little about the sadness that a mother can experience once her child arrives.
When I was only days away from the due date of my third son, I was nervous, anxious, and really excited to be going to the hospital where he would be born. You would have thought that I was going on a spa vacation. Sure, I knew that I would be recovering physically but with two young boys at home, I couldn’t wait to have nothing to do but hold, feed and care for our newest addition. I wasn’t going to have to share the remote and would probably watch more TNT movies than I could ever want.
My labor went great and I was able to get the much needed rest that my body required. But as the days went by, my anxiety grew because I knew the time was coming that I would have to go home. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go home. Of course, I missed my husband and other two sons. I missed the warm smell of my kitchen and the soft comfort of lying in my own bed. But I had a sadness inside. It felt like the vacation that you prepare and anticipate for then once it is over, you feel like all the joy is behind you.
I had built up the occasion of my son’s birth so high that I knew once I went home, the climax would be over. It was back to work but with even more responsibilities and pressures. My depression grew worse as my husband’s week off from work came to an end. As he kissed me goodbye and walked cheerfully out the door, I trailed behind him, walking out into the front yard, barefoot but still in my robe and with my newborn in my arms. My eyes that were dry from the lack of sleep were burning in the bright sunlight. Strands of my hair were loose around my face with an elastic band holding only a section of my hair still in the ponytail. I smiled with a brave face and watched him drive down on the street until I could no longer see our car.
My body was trying to heal and I was exhausted.