I Want You, Go Away: The Dangers of Attraction

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We've all seen the movies: Fatal Attraction, Dangerous Liasons, the ones where the man is married and the woman wants to steal him away or perish, where the woman is married and the man wants to pretend he's the "real" husband; or, as in a very disturbing book I read recently, both parties are married and simply switch partners. Wow. It happens.

Sometimes, though, we just feel our attraction is in the wrong feeling to have. This doesn't have to be due to the fact that it's tied to infidelity; in some cases we just feel the person we're getting all sweaty over is simply not a nice person; or they're far too old for us, or too young. Maybe they did something we consider to be anathema to our value system and yet we long for them anyway.

What do we do with these pent up emotions? If it's a work situation it can be very awkward. Making contact on a regular basis can work both in and out of your favor. For example, let's say you, Maria, have to see him, Malachi, every single day at the office. You have to ask him about memos, faxes, coffee filters. You don't want to want him because he's kind of an obnoxious character - he steals stuff, little stuff, like office supplies. He laughs at jokes that put others down. But he's sexy and cute and you like him too much anyway.

What should you do? First, acknowledge the feelings you have. By stuffing them into the back part of the closet of your heart and mind you will not reduce them, in fact, they will fester and blossom and begin running the show. Next, take apart the attraction; try to get in touch with the reasons why you are feeling this way. Does he pay more attention to you than your current boyfriend/partner - and, if you're single, is it this attention that feels so very good?
Is he similar to your father/brother/step uncle/first cousin in ways that feel familiar yet also push your buttons? Does he give you vibes that remind you of other people, places, or times?
Finally, by thinking about these levels in your attraction, you can get some distance from it. Take control over your emotions by imagining the object of your attraction in very uncompromising situations; getting caught stealing the staples for example, or getting fired.

See if the person is able to be friends. Many times these smoldering types of attractions are with people who actually have a very limited capacity for true connection. They love to stir the pot, to flirt shamelessly and leave you breathless with no follow through, it's their forte. See if you can talk to them about something mundane, like their dog, a bill you got recently, something you read. Can they hang with the boring stuff? If so, maybe you can turn that fancy dance in your pants into a good friendship, watering down the heat into something more manageable. Perhaps you can observe their behavior to realize the flirting they do with you is something as natural to them as breathing, that it happens with others, multiple times a day, more often than you could possibly imagine. This realization is something akin to a glass of cold water in the face; it can be a wake up call strong enough to snap you out of your reverie.

For everyone loved the Fonz, but he was just doing his thing.
Try to clear your head and wait for the person to come along who is appropriate for you, i.e. who not only gets you all hot and bothered but will also be kind, respectful and unattached.

While steamy romance seems like a good idea at the time, there's nothing like the real thing.

Aimee Boyle is a freelance writer, mother and teacher in Connecticut.

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