Lightening Up for a Healthy Relationship

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We are so convinced we are "right" that we are shaking, quaking and quivering, our eyes watery, our fight or flight responses kicking in, our desire to do damage to our significant other, ourselves or the dog just about rearing its ugly head - either that or we'd like to slam out of the house and never come back.

Well, what's the solution?

There really isn't one, per se; relationships are wonderful and can be extremely difficult at times.

One way of letting go of some of these reactions, however, is to lighten up. You can lighten up by trying out not needing to be right or at least to prove your position all the time. What will it really cost you, in the end, if you give the rope a bit during a tug of war andlet your partner win, even if it means you may tumble to the ground? Won't you get back up? Could it be possible that you may even have a laugh about it in the long run?

As sad or "dark" as it may seem to think of the fact that we really are dust in the wind, there is an upside to this mentality. Not that you should divorce yourself from caring about the details of your every day life, but perhaps you can invest just a tad less meaning in them, so that they don't run your show and twist you into an emotional pretzel, under stress, without a clue as to how to unknot your current configuration.

It's a kind of joviality in which being late sometimes is not cause for panic, washing the dishes later instead of right now is okay, and imperfection is embraced instead of shunned and scorned.

This is not to say that seeking betterment is not something to strive for; we all want to improve ourselves, our health, our relationships and our family lives. But by lightening up, you may be giving yourself a gift. You may not need to tote around the tremendous load of fear, anxiety, anger, perfectionism and concern that accompany you to your child's practices (sports, music, dance) or the grocery store (spending too much, too little, buying all the wrong things) the job (inadequate, overqualified, underpaid, left out of meetings, relied on too much at meetings?) in your relationship (underweight, overweight, opinionated and smarter than they are, uneducated and less intelligent, coming from money, no money, making more, making less, kinder, not kind enough?)

In the course of exercising your body, mind, and relationship muscles, to keep moving forward and keep improving while also lightening up a little about how important it all may be or not be, you will possibly step through some of the pain of all this growth and betterment and, surprisingly, you just may get along more consistently with your partner and others as well.

Aimee Boyle lives, works and writes in CT.

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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.