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Notes on Erotic Role-Playing

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Most people have sexual fantasies. Role-playing involves a certain kind of fantasy and a certain relationship to that fantasy. It requires a conscious acknowledgment of the fantasy; furthermore, it involves sharing that fantasy with a partner, who, presumably, consents to participate in it.

The simplest kind of role-playing involves a person pretending to be a different kind of personality than is typical for him or her (or accessing personal characteristics he/she believes are there, but typically unexpressed). A meek person may pretend to be demanding; a voracious person may pretend to be inhibited. Couples who do this may not even think of it as role-playing, but simply as one of the many playful things they do together in bed.

Somewhat more complicated is role-playing that involves specific roles or even scripts: doctor/patient, pirate/slavegirl, queen/foreign prince, Madeleine Albright/Henry Kissinger. Couples can simply imagine themselves in these roles and speak a sentence or two about it ("You haven't had a checkup in two years. I better examine your prostate"). Or they can get more involved, speaking in role for the majority of the sexual encounter. A few simple props such as an apron, nurse's cap or artist's charcoal can make these games even more involving.

Not surprisingly, some couples take their role-playing out of the bedroom and into the wide world. They don't have genital sex in public, but their behavior is erotically compelling to them. They may do it in an unobtrusive way, calling no attention to themselves and simply enjoying the erotic ambiance they privately create together. Or they may involve the world in their game, whether by costume (an adult woman wearing a cheerleader's skirt), conversation (letting others overhear them talking in role), or behavior (flashing a naked butt at a gas station attendant).

One form of role-playing involves consciously playing with power dynamics. People variously refer to this as bondage, S/M, and discipline; the expression "erotic power-play" covers a wide range of activities and attitudes. Erotic power-play can be mild and barely noticeable; rather extreme, with complicated equipment and well-practiced behaviors; and anything in between. Some people merely dabble with this stuff, while others never have sex without it. There is an enormous S/M subculture, complete with vocabulary, magazines, websites, retailers and conventions. As with non-power-play eroticism, people may choose a predictable script, or they can enjoy improvising, following or leading their partner. Either way, erotic power-play requires trust. In fact, the centrality of trust to the erotic power-play experience is what many aficionados find so thrilling.

Those engaged in erotic role-play face two challenges. First, they have to believe that they are eligible to step outside the usual limits of their everyday personality. Role-playing requires that people either believe that they don't look foolish, or that they don't care if they do. They have to transcend the idea that certain words, behaviors or attitudes belong only to people who are "sexy" (i.e., either young and beautiful, or rich). Similarly, couples have to believe that they can be the "kind of couple" that can do or say whatever they might role-play. Couples have to trust each other's sense of generous engagement and lack of judgment. In these respects, erotic role-playing requires certain psychological and relationship tools that many people lack. Developing those tools can be a transforming experience.

The second challenge involves reentering "real life" after role-playing. People have to look in the mirror, and they have to look into each other's eyes. If they feel embarrassed, ashamed, self-critical or exploited, it will undermine their self-esteem and their relationship. The couple who can look at each other after playing 'apprentice/mentor's wife' and agree that "we can do anything we want" or "aren't we wonderful" or "whatever reinforces our intimacy or pleasure is a good thing" will not only enjoy their erotic role-play - they have an important tool for keeping their relationship desirable.

The difficulty of these two challenges leads some people to do their erotic role-playing with a person other than their regular partner. Whether in an extramarital affair or with a commercial sex worker, some people feel much less exposed or judged in these contexts. Some will feel that their sexuality is more validated in affairs than at home; others will feel less self-conscious acting in ways outside their usual character with hired help.

Regardless of the content or context of the role-playing, it contains no predictions about how people really wish to live; in fact, quite the contrary is often true. Role-playing is a safe arena in which to live other lives - lives that have attractive components, but lie outside a person's destiny. On the other hand, some people do use role-playing to investigate or rehearse possible new behaviors.

Ultimately, erotic role-playing is a way to celebrate two of our most divine gifts: imagination and sexuality.

Add a Comment3 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

This is an excellent and informative article, it helps everyone remember that while roleplaying *is* about being someone else for an evening, it is not *just* about that. It helps lovers communicate their preferences to one another through a more comfortable and fun medium, that helps to take away their inhibitions. It also helps individuals discover new insights into their sexual preferences they may not of known they had. I recommend atleast some form of roleplaying in all relationships, there is something to try even for the not so adventurous types! Also, if you are considering beginning roleplay with your partner, I invite you to view http://eroticroleplaying.blogspot.com for ideas and discussion.

November 11, 2009 - 11:38pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I also found this article fascinating: not only well-written, but non-judgmental to include all "extremes" of human sexuality, as well as discuss what the majority of behaviors are (again, without putting the "extreme" category on the outliers, as I've just done).

Dr. Klein, do you have any literature recommendations for married couples who are both interested in learning more about taking their relationship and trust to a new level by using erotic role-playing, or is this taking away the essence of what erotic role-playing is: no references needed, only imagination and creativity?

June 14, 2009 - 1:38pm

Dear Dr. Klein,
Thanks for this article; it really sums up my experience with this issue... the trust is the most important factor and it leads to wonderful, creative times in the bedroom, which in turn reignites the passion you feel about the relationship itself. It is so rare to have this with a marriage partner and I appreciate that you said many people feel uncomfortable and judged in their primary relationships so they choose to play out their fantasies with someone else.
How incredible would it be for people to learn to accept these pieces of their partners and themselves, and how fewer divorces would we have, I wonder, if we did?

It's something I think about often and I know that while sex itself is healing, liberating, nurturing and fun in so many ways, it is also a microcosm of our most ancient feelings about ourselves and "other" - we play out in this arena our shadows, our demons, our infantile selves, our issues about dependency, control, power, abandonment and rejection as well as our incredible capacity to love, accept, defend, honor, worship, obey.

It's like a physical manifestation of our psyche's hidden truths; our attempts at controlling it and making it disappear never really work. How I marvel at this level of trust - as you pointed out - that is at the heart of letting it out, letting down my guard, being safely explorative and not made to feel a fool - at all.

Thanks for your insights.
Aimee

June 2, 2009 - 5:06pm
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