I was in counseling after 25 years of an unhappy marriage. My husband had been verbally and emotionally abusive since our engagement, but I had been too timid to break it off. Over the years, he insisted on making all the major decisions: where we would live, when we would have or not have children, where they would go to school, how we would manage our finances. He would not allow me to pursue my interests or have a job. His temper was frightful and sometimes I worried that the children would tell their teachers at school things he said to them, and we'd be in trouble. Once our teenage son asked if he could please be treated better at home. It made me cry, and he said, "Don't worry, Mom, it's not you." Finally, when my children were older, I started working and planned to leave him once our youngest graduated from high school. 5 months before her graduation, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I stayed to take care of him, and really tried to make the marriage work. Now, 2 years later, he in in remission, and I can't seem to be happy here. I keep remembering the many grossly unfair situations he put me in during our marriage. We are more like roommates than spouses. We sleep in separate rooms and are not intimate. Yes he refuses to believe I was ever unhappy, and pretends that everything is normal between us. He is semi-retired and obsessed about our house, so I can never leave anything out of place or I won't be able to find it when I get home. I work 10 to 12 hours a day and keep myself as busy as possible as a way to try to avoid feeling my unhappiness. I try not to show how I feel for fear of making him ill again, but I grow more desperate every day to begin a life of my own.
Regarding the story at the beginning of this thread, I sympathize with you completely. I do not know the answer to your dilemma. Nor do I know the answer to my own. All I know is that I've never been allowed to be happy, and that doesn't seem right. Sacrifice is one thing, but eventually we must consider when we are damaging ourselves. Once we've done enough damage to ourselves, we can't be of much help to a sick spouse. How does one strike the balance and keep everyone healthy? I wish I knew.
Best wishes to you, and to everyone who struggles as I do.
Comment Reply
I was in counseling after 25 years of an unhappy marriage. My husband had been verbally and emotionally abusive since our engagement, but I had been too timid to break it off. Over the years, he insisted on making all the major decisions: where we would live, when we would have or not have children, where they would go to school, how we would manage our finances. He would not allow me to pursue my interests or have a job. His temper was frightful and sometimes I worried that the children would tell their teachers at school things he said to them, and we'd be in trouble. Once our teenage son asked if he could please be treated better at home. It made me cry, and he said, "Don't worry, Mom, it's not you." Finally, when my children were older, I started working and planned to leave him once our youngest graduated from high school. 5 months before her graduation, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I stayed to take care of him, and really tried to make the marriage work. Now, 2 years later, he in in remission, and I can't seem to be happy here. I keep remembering the many grossly unfair situations he put me in during our marriage. We are more like roommates than spouses. We sleep in separate rooms and are not intimate. Yes he refuses to believe I was ever unhappy, and pretends that everything is normal between us. He is semi-retired and obsessed about our house, so I can never leave anything out of place or I won't be able to find it when I get home. I work 10 to 12 hours a day and keep myself as busy as possible as a way to try to avoid feeling my unhappiness. I try not to show how I feel for fear of making him ill again, but I grow more desperate every day to begin a life of my own.
February 7, 2014 - 6:13pmRegarding the story at the beginning of this thread, I sympathize with you completely. I do not know the answer to your dilemma. Nor do I know the answer to my own. All I know is that I've never been allowed to be happy, and that doesn't seem right. Sacrifice is one thing, but eventually we must consider when we are damaging ourselves. Once we've done enough damage to ourselves, we can't be of much help to a sick spouse. How does one strike the balance and keep everyone healthy? I wish I knew.
Best wishes to you, and to everyone who struggles as I do.
This Comment
Reply