Possibly the most frustrating aspect of having a spouse who is unwell is that they do not take good enough care of themselves. I know in the case of my husband that this is a massive contributing factor as to why he is so unwell to start with! After 3 years of reoccurring hospital admissions / procedures / medication trials / surgeries - and him STILL not looking after himself, I am now of the mentality that I will do what I feel I am morally obligated to do (cook, clean, be affectionate, remain faithful, etc) but I basically just get on with my life as a separate entity to my husband. I am a full time Mum to our daughter, we go out every day for activities and she is in preschool 2 & 1/2 days a week. She is the center of my world - as I think she should be - and I kind of look at my husband as a surly, arrogant teenager who lives with us, being that is how he behaves. I don't let him get under my skin. I will say out loud "It is the medication talking", or "You have not rested enough / are in pain and that is why you are being nasty towards me. Want a snack honey?".
This is very much HIS issue. HIS problem. If he is not willing to rest as he should be, eat well as he should be, exercise as he should be, seek medical help as he should be, then it is him not being responsible for himself. He is old enough to know better.
I too have a lot of interference from the in-laws. They make absurd suggestion as to what they think we need to do, without any working knowledge of what it is we are actually going through. I found this happened across the board from very well-meaning friends and family when we had our daughter prematurely just before my husband became chronically unwell with a (still) mysterious lung issue. But again - this is their problem, not mine - and I find avoidance of the in-laws works best for me. When I cannot avoid them I set very clear boundaries at the start of any gathering ("We are leaving at this time, no later. We are not sitting outside as husband will get sick. Please do not feed our daughter XYZ as she will become unwell. Please do not ask us for money as we do not have any to spare. etc). Unfortunately it is necessary as I do believe these people are missing the common sense gene most of us are born with.
It took one break up, and 2 years of therapy (and yes, there are days I wish I had simply not gone back) for me to get to this place. I have to remind myself every day that we each deal with our own stuff and we are each responsible for our feelings and choices and no one elses. I choose to stay with him. I live with the consequences of that decision - good and bad. And on the whole I am happy - so long as I do not take onboard other peoples attitudes and problems. Xx All the very best.
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Possibly the most frustrating aspect of having a spouse who is unwell is that they do not take good enough care of themselves. I know in the case of my husband that this is a massive contributing factor as to why he is so unwell to start with! After 3 years of reoccurring hospital admissions / procedures / medication trials / surgeries - and him STILL not looking after himself, I am now of the mentality that I will do what I feel I am morally obligated to do (cook, clean, be affectionate, remain faithful, etc) but I basically just get on with my life as a separate entity to my husband. I am a full time Mum to our daughter, we go out every day for activities and she is in preschool 2 & 1/2 days a week. She is the center of my world - as I think she should be - and I kind of look at my husband as a surly, arrogant teenager who lives with us, being that is how he behaves. I don't let him get under my skin. I will say out loud "It is the medication talking", or "You have not rested enough / are in pain and that is why you are being nasty towards me. Want a snack honey?".
This is very much HIS issue. HIS problem. If he is not willing to rest as he should be, eat well as he should be, exercise as he should be, seek medical help as he should be, then it is him not being responsible for himself. He is old enough to know better.
I too have a lot of interference from the in-laws. They make absurd suggestion as to what they think we need to do, without any working knowledge of what it is we are actually going through. I found this happened across the board from very well-meaning friends and family when we had our daughter prematurely just before my husband became chronically unwell with a (still) mysterious lung issue. But again - this is their problem, not mine - and I find avoidance of the in-laws works best for me. When I cannot avoid them I set very clear boundaries at the start of any gathering ("We are leaving at this time, no later. We are not sitting outside as husband will get sick. Please do not feed our daughter XYZ as she will become unwell. Please do not ask us for money as we do not have any to spare. etc). Unfortunately it is necessary as I do believe these people are missing the common sense gene most of us are born with.
It took one break up, and 2 years of therapy (and yes, there are days I wish I had simply not gone back) for me to get to this place. I have to remind myself every day that we each deal with our own stuff and we are each responsible for our feelings and choices and no one elses. I choose to stay with him. I live with the consequences of that decision - good and bad. And on the whole I am happy - so long as I do not take onboard other peoples attitudes and problems. Xx All the very best.
February 23, 2014 - 5:44pmThis Comment
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