To Anon whose husband has MS:
I was surfing the web while thinking about the same issue that has preoccupied my every waking moment for at least 10 years. Should I divorce my husband or not? Is there a way to fashion a new relationship or for me to accept all his increasing disability and nasty attitude for the sake of our family, 2 daughters?
He was diasgnosed with MS around 1988 while I was pregnant with our second daughter. He has slowly progressed is now in an electric wheelchair mentally somewhat cognitively impaired but essentially still competent and intelligent.
He was an avid sailor, racing high speed trimarans and in general a risk taker. I am the conventional working person who kept it together all these years. He was productive managing property we own but always has been 100A% for himself first at all times. He is handsome charming presenting as a warm friendly fun person to most people-not me when we are alone for long. I honestly believe there is an unacknowledged conspiracy among the healthcare providers to hide deny express the very real fact that MS often changes personality, changes in the brain or psychological need create an extreme lack of insight, ability to plan, lack of empathy -reduced "executive" function. Not dementia but mild to moderate cognitive impairment that wreaks havoc on communications, future planning, cause a lot of rage in both the patient and the family especially spouse. At the same time the MS patient receives attention, care, sympathy, empathy, lots of offers of assistance etc. I have put up with way too much abuse believing he is worth it as he still father of our daughters and we have already made it so many years.
I have made stupid decisions about this marriage. I should have divorced long ago, accepted the fallout, been honest with myself and allowed our daughters to face reality, too. I am 66, lonely, financially ok, living in my own house seeing husband frequently pretending we are still a couple. Every moment all he thinks or talks about is himself, not complaining about symptoms but talking about his inventive ways of dealing with impairment and charming others to provide him with services, household chores, and now probably driving. I have every possible symptom of depression and anxiety. I seem immobilized and and I guess frightened to start divorce process now although I will be financially compromised if this goes on. I wish he would have another serious accident and end up in some facility because otherwise he will continue to drive, spend money, sail and have accidents eventually maybe seriously injuring someone other than himself. Friends have refused to drive with him for many years.
I am still trying to manage this because our younger daughter has suffered with mental illness diagnosed last year in college. It has added an extreme weight on me as I worry what will happen if I die. She is very sensitive an worried about her dad. I believe he plans on capturing her to be his caregiver when and if she cannot work or be independent.
I think if a peron is good, kind generous and caring having MS would still be a major relationship challenge. BUT if it was difficult before all the problems will be magnified. Get out while you are still able to take a shower get out of bed and maybe read a book.
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To Anon whose husband has MS:
I was surfing the web while thinking about the same issue that has preoccupied my every waking moment for at least 10 years. Should I divorce my husband or not? Is there a way to fashion a new relationship or for me to accept all his increasing disability and nasty attitude for the sake of our family, 2 daughters?
He was diasgnosed with MS around 1988 while I was pregnant with our second daughter. He has slowly progressed is now in an electric wheelchair mentally somewhat cognitively impaired but essentially still competent and intelligent.
He was an avid sailor, racing high speed trimarans and in general a risk taker. I am the conventional working person who kept it together all these years. He was productive managing property we own but always has been 100A% for himself first at all times. He is handsome charming presenting as a warm friendly fun person to most people-not me when we are alone for long. I honestly believe there is an unacknowledged conspiracy among the healthcare providers to hide deny express the very real fact that MS often changes personality, changes in the brain or psychological need create an extreme lack of insight, ability to plan, lack of empathy -reduced "executive" function. Not dementia but mild to moderate cognitive impairment that wreaks havoc on communications, future planning, cause a lot of rage in both the patient and the family especially spouse. At the same time the MS patient receives attention, care, sympathy, empathy, lots of offers of assistance etc. I have put up with way too much abuse believing he is worth it as he still father of our daughters and we have already made it so many years.
I have made stupid decisions about this marriage. I should have divorced long ago, accepted the fallout, been honest with myself and allowed our daughters to face reality, too. I am 66, lonely, financially ok, living in my own house seeing husband frequently pretending we are still a couple. Every moment all he thinks or talks about is himself, not complaining about symptoms but talking about his inventive ways of dealing with impairment and charming others to provide him with services, household chores, and now probably driving. I have every possible symptom of depression and anxiety. I seem immobilized and and I guess frightened to start divorce process now although I will be financially compromised if this goes on. I wish he would have another serious accident and end up in some facility because otherwise he will continue to drive, spend money, sail and have accidents eventually maybe seriously injuring someone other than himself. Friends have refused to drive with him for many years.
I am still trying to manage this because our younger daughter has suffered with mental illness diagnosed last year in college. It has added an extreme weight on me as I worry what will happen if I die. She is very sensitive an worried about her dad. I believe he plans on capturing her to be his caregiver when and if she cannot work or be independent.
I think if a peron is good, kind generous and caring having MS would still be a major relationship challenge. BUT if it was difficult before all the problems will be magnified. Get out while you are still able to take a shower get out of bed and maybe read a book.
January 29, 2015 - 12:51pmThis Comment
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