Hello
I feel sad reading your story, because in many ways it is like my own. I too had 4 kids, raising them without mine or my husbands' family near us as we constantly moved around. I also had a diagnosis of Stage 3 cervical cancer, which was treated by radical hysterectomy at age 44. At the same time I was dealing with my husbands diagnosis of Cardiomyopathy and atrial fibrillation. This made him unable to work for two years in the job he was doing, so I was the main breadwinner. I saw the toll it took on him, losing the job he loved and making him depressed and put on 40 kilograms and suffering erectile dysfunction. All this along with two of our kids giving us a hard time. Although they all did well at School, two of them got involved in relationships and ended up having a baby for which we weren't ready for and neither were they. So they both needed my support as well. I felt pulled in every way, and felt like running away and leaving them all to it. I tried Counsellers, going back to my Church for support, but this seemed to isolate me more. Everyone else seemed to have normal lives, while I was drowning. I felt lost, scared and didn't know what to do. For a while I turned to heavy drinking, I'm not much of a drinker anyway and it didn't take much before I'd just pass out, after having a fight with my husband or losing it with one of the kids. I hated them and him for making my life such a misery. I even started to take off and do things I hadn't done since I was a teenager, go out on my own to a pub, travelled overseas on my own and unfortunately got myself into all sorts of shit, after meeting other men who I soon realised wanted only one thing. I think there was only one thing that pulled me back. I thought of my Mum and everything she'd been through with my Father, who was physically and verbally abusive, but she never, ever gave up. She kept us all together, never had a bad word to say to me, was always encouraging although I gave her a hard time. I used to think why the hell don't you stand up to my father, but when he turned on me I realised why she didn't. Domestic violence stuns women and children because they never expect it from the person they love.
I had to learn so much to forgive him since he passed away suddenly because he never got to say sorry to me or my Mum or the others.
Life is hard , we don't ask for the bad things that come along. I wish I could say that by doing whatever it is that you want to do, will make you happy. But unless you forgive him, and yourself you will always feel guilty. I'm sure he doesn't want to be sick either. Be kinder to yourself, you have family nearby talk to someone you love and trust but whatever you do won't be easy.
Ten years on and I'm still here with my husband, the kids all grew up and left home. Every day is a struggle for my husband, he has Osteo Athritis as well now, so sometimes can hardly walk with the pain and due to his heart condition he is at high risk for surgery on his hip that is riddled with it. I wish you all the best, only you can decide what is best for you
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Hello
February 1, 2015 - 5:35amI feel sad reading your story, because in many ways it is like my own. I too had 4 kids, raising them without mine or my husbands' family near us as we constantly moved around. I also had a diagnosis of Stage 3 cervical cancer, which was treated by radical hysterectomy at age 44. At the same time I was dealing with my husbands diagnosis of Cardiomyopathy and atrial fibrillation. This made him unable to work for two years in the job he was doing, so I was the main breadwinner. I saw the toll it took on him, losing the job he loved and making him depressed and put on 40 kilograms and suffering erectile dysfunction. All this along with two of our kids giving us a hard time. Although they all did well at School, two of them got involved in relationships and ended up having a baby for which we weren't ready for and neither were they. So they both needed my support as well. I felt pulled in every way, and felt like running away and leaving them all to it. I tried Counsellers, going back to my Church for support, but this seemed to isolate me more. Everyone else seemed to have normal lives, while I was drowning. I felt lost, scared and didn't know what to do. For a while I turned to heavy drinking, I'm not much of a drinker anyway and it didn't take much before I'd just pass out, after having a fight with my husband or losing it with one of the kids. I hated them and him for making my life such a misery. I even started to take off and do things I hadn't done since I was a teenager, go out on my own to a pub, travelled overseas on my own and unfortunately got myself into all sorts of shit, after meeting other men who I soon realised wanted only one thing. I think there was only one thing that pulled me back. I thought of my Mum and everything she'd been through with my Father, who was physically and verbally abusive, but she never, ever gave up. She kept us all together, never had a bad word to say to me, was always encouraging although I gave her a hard time. I used to think why the hell don't you stand up to my father, but when he turned on me I realised why she didn't. Domestic violence stuns women and children because they never expect it from the person they love.
I had to learn so much to forgive him since he passed away suddenly because he never got to say sorry to me or my Mum or the others.
Life is hard , we don't ask for the bad things that come along. I wish I could say that by doing whatever it is that you want to do, will make you happy. But unless you forgive him, and yourself you will always feel guilty. I'm sure he doesn't want to be sick either. Be kinder to yourself, you have family nearby talk to someone you love and trust but whatever you do won't be easy.
Ten years on and I'm still here with my husband, the kids all grew up and left home. Every day is a struggle for my husband, he has Osteo Athritis as well now, so sometimes can hardly walk with the pain and due to his heart condition he is at high risk for surgery on his hip that is riddled with it. I wish you all the best, only you can decide what is best for you
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