My husband walked out in 2012 after I had been struggling with the effects of a bad concussion that affected my ability to maintain steady work. He had been drinking heavily and I had always supported him in trying to get help. The last memory I have of him that day was throwing money at me which was demoralizing. I tried to hold it together for awhile because of my 'vows' while we lived apart, but he disappeared for a week in 2013 while I was really sick and I decided that was enough. Last year he left on a trip home to India and just never came back. The day after I discovered he'd cut off his phone, and had been seeing another woman. He just abandoned everything. I have become worse and may have a neurological disease and cannot work at all. I am in my 50's broke having lived off my savings all these years, and it is frightening, frustrating, confusing, and then there is no closure with him unreachable to even divorce. I feel like a hostage to a person who clearly doesn't give a damn about me or my family that treated him with generosity and love. Last year when my finances started to dwindle I really panicked, plus I didn't want to be a burden on my family. My self esteem was down the toilet and I was not getting support from anyone. I started to have ideations of packing it in rather than struggle again as I had all those years as a single parent. I had joined a chronic pain group and was encouraged to get a referral to the Rapid Access Program at the local hospital psychiatric department. I got in to see a counselor and they are helping me to get proper pain medication as the pain is causing so much of my depression, and I have some support. I have been a single parent most of my life but realize that sometimes you can feel just as alone with a partner. I also know in my heart that there is always an answer over ending your life, and when you feel that way you have to reach out for professional help and try to focus on your family, and how it will devastate them. The incidence of suicide in children of suicidal parents is much higher as it sets a pattern just like alcoholism or smoking. When we get so overwhelmed it is that fantasy place we escape to when we just don't know what to do anymore. If being with a partner is making a person that ill then they have to find another way of moving forward that still supports the ill person, but not to the detriment of their own mental health. Abuse is abuse despite where it comes from. Illness is not an excuse for violent behavior. Clearly that person needs counseling and support. Caregivers are not superhuman anymore than the ill. It is impossible in a blog such as this for any of us to fully understand all the fine details of one another's circumstances, any more than we have the right to judge one another. The stress for any of us whether we are the ill one or the supporter is draining and taxing on us physically, mentally , emotionally and spiritually. Family and friends can get burned out too. I really believe the key is to reach out for professional support. It isn't selfish to take care of oneself, and in the long term whatever you decide will have been a rational decision. The whole scenario is sad and not fair but unfortunately it is what has been laid before us. I truly wish all of you the very best and pray that your circumstances will work themselves out. Jean
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My husband walked out in 2012 after I had been struggling with the effects of a bad concussion that affected my ability to maintain steady work. He had been drinking heavily and I had always supported him in trying to get help. The last memory I have of him that day was throwing money at me which was demoralizing. I tried to hold it together for awhile because of my 'vows' while we lived apart, but he disappeared for a week in 2013 while I was really sick and I decided that was enough. Last year he left on a trip home to India and just never came back. The day after I discovered he'd cut off his phone, and had been seeing another woman. He just abandoned everything. I have become worse and may have a neurological disease and cannot work at all. I am in my 50's broke having lived off my savings all these years, and it is frightening, frustrating, confusing, and then there is no closure with him unreachable to even divorce. I feel like a hostage to a person who clearly doesn't give a damn about me or my family that treated him with generosity and love. Last year when my finances started to dwindle I really panicked, plus I didn't want to be a burden on my family. My self esteem was down the toilet and I was not getting support from anyone. I started to have ideations of packing it in rather than struggle again as I had all those years as a single parent. I had joined a chronic pain group and was encouraged to get a referral to the Rapid Access Program at the local hospital psychiatric department. I got in to see a counselor and they are helping me to get proper pain medication as the pain is causing so much of my depression, and I have some support. I have been a single parent most of my life but realize that sometimes you can feel just as alone with a partner. I also know in my heart that there is always an answer over ending your life, and when you feel that way you have to reach out for professional help and try to focus on your family, and how it will devastate them. The incidence of suicide in children of suicidal parents is much higher as it sets a pattern just like alcoholism or smoking. When we get so overwhelmed it is that fantasy place we escape to when we just don't know what to do anymore. If being with a partner is making a person that ill then they have to find another way of moving forward that still supports the ill person, but not to the detriment of their own mental health. Abuse is abuse despite where it comes from. Illness is not an excuse for violent behavior. Clearly that person needs counseling and support. Caregivers are not superhuman anymore than the ill. It is impossible in a blog such as this for any of us to fully understand all the fine details of one another's circumstances, any more than we have the right to judge one another. The stress for any of us whether we are the ill one or the supporter is draining and taxing on us physically, mentally , emotionally and spiritually. Family and friends can get burned out too. I really believe the key is to reach out for professional support. It isn't selfish to take care of oneself, and in the long term whatever you decide will have been a rational decision. The whole scenario is sad and not fair but unfortunately it is what has been laid before us. I truly wish all of you the very best and pray that your circumstances will work themselves out. Jean
May 16, 2015 - 4:35amThis Comment
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