Thanks for your validation. It makes such a difference knowing I'm not alone. I haven't logged on and seen all these responses until now, and I'm surprised by some. And a little sad.
I know I am not the one who is sick. However, I may as well be. I will never understand what my husband is experiencing: the pain he's feeling, and the emotional toll that his illness has on him and his ability to provide for our family.
I am also a person and am living this one life I have been given. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to question my future... I want to feel alive, and I haven't felt alive in years. And I feel like I constantly have to defend that to people who think I am a bad person for wanting more, just because I have a sick spouse. So I feel incredible guilt and shame. Gee I'd love to have some physical contact from time to time, and it is well documented that marriages without any physical connection are bound to falling apart. We have no family and support system nearby. When our children sleep over at a friend, my husband will take me out, which consists of him ordering us coffee and asking for the bill at the same time. My friends now ask me whether we went out or not, almost as a condition for them babysitting, because they know how desperate I am to feel excited about something!
Since my last post I have started working 3 days a week - I'm a graphic designer. It's a job which is way below my capabilities, but because I am chronically depressed and medicated to the hilt, it is good for me. I think the time away from my husband has also helped us. I am living on auto pilot now. Life is simply hard. Everything is hard. I find little joy in anything, besides seeing my children have fun. Leaving my husband is still a remote possibility from time to time, and suicide has become less of an option, but what I am desperate for is to feel alive.
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Thanks for your validation. It makes such a difference knowing I'm not alone. I haven't logged on and seen all these responses until now, and I'm surprised by some. And a little sad.
February 10, 2016 - 10:55amI know I am not the one who is sick. However, I may as well be. I will never understand what my husband is experiencing: the pain he's feeling, and the emotional toll that his illness has on him and his ability to provide for our family.
I am also a person and am living this one life I have been given. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to question my future... I want to feel alive, and I haven't felt alive in years. And I feel like I constantly have to defend that to people who think I am a bad person for wanting more, just because I have a sick spouse. So I feel incredible guilt and shame. Gee I'd love to have some physical contact from time to time, and it is well documented that marriages without any physical connection are bound to falling apart. We have no family and support system nearby. When our children sleep over at a friend, my husband will take me out, which consists of him ordering us coffee and asking for the bill at the same time. My friends now ask me whether we went out or not, almost as a condition for them babysitting, because they know how desperate I am to feel excited about something!
Since my last post I have started working 3 days a week - I'm a graphic designer. It's a job which is way below my capabilities, but because I am chronically depressed and medicated to the hilt, it is good for me. I think the time away from my husband has also helped us. I am living on auto pilot now. Life is simply hard. Everything is hard. I find little joy in anything, besides seeing my children have fun. Leaving my husband is still a remote possibility from time to time, and suicide has become less of an option, but what I am desperate for is to feel alive.
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