Hi Ann,
I was reading through the posts and yours was the response I could relate to the most- because my boyfriend isn't mean or abusive, but a lovely person who is simply unhealthy.
I have only been with him for about a year. We moved in together quickly and are very much in love. But our whole relationship, he's seemed to be struggling with various health problems. It really hit the fan over our Christmas vacation out of town. We were in and out of the ER and doctor's offices through our Christmas holiday with my family (his first time meeting them, my first visit home in awhile). He ended up needing surgery just so we could fly home. His health problems completely consumed the holiday, which was hard because I had missed my family and it meant so much to me to bring him to my home and show him where I came from- which I never really got to do.
Since then, there have been many more appointments, tests, and finally a surgery in February that should have put him on the road to recovery.... It seemed like maybe he was healing and getting better, but the last few weeks, it's going in the other direction. He's always in pain, started throwing up again, missing work. The doctor's aren't helping.
He doesn't do much to help the situation. He doesn't take good care of himself and it's frustrating for me to have to be the only one of us who seems to care about his health. I'm always the one looking for solutions, making suggestions, and nagging and badgering him to follow through.
I'm struggling with feeling like my needs are just... not even a thing in our relationship. Everything is piled on top of me, and I was holding on to this hope that if I could just get him through this time, then there would be time for us to have a "normal" relationship when he was healed. And by normal, I mean the most basic relationship stuff. Going on dates and having sex and planning for the future.
But now it's all slipping away again as it seems some new issue is arising and who knows what it will be, or if or when it will be better, or if some new problem will come up when this one is done.
My emotions are all frazzled and mixed up. I find myself wondering if I should just end the relationship, because when I reason it out without involving my heart, that makes the most sense. We are not married, and me taking care of him in his illness has really been the majority of our relationship. I have literally done everything for him the entire time we have been together, and most times, had to carry the majority of our financial burdens as well.
If, reasonably, our early experiences in a relationship with someone are generally how we evaluate whether we want to continue in a relationship, or commit to it further by getting married- my initial and continuing experience of this relationship have been consumed with care-taking. And if this is an example of the life to come.... a sexless, romance-less future of taking care of my partner..... never really having a true partner who can ever carry me when I need it.... I don't want that. I really don't.
But I truly love him. He is my favourite person I have ever met in this world. I love him so much and I just want to have a real relationship with him.
I'm scared that even if he does heal, that being his caretaker for an indefinite length of time will have cemented a non-romantic dynamic between us. I miss sexual intimacy and feel so lonely for that kind of closeness and connection- but at the same time, there are times I just don't feel at all sexual toward him anymore because he feels to me like a child- someone I have to take care of.
I can't even remember what it's like to feel sexy or wanted. I try to understand that he wants to participate in our relationship, but can't because of pain and other things....but sometimes it just feels like our entire relationship has been about him and his pain and his needs and his illness- and I don't know where my hopes and dreams and needs fit into any of it anymore.
Thank you for letting me vent. I feel at a loss for how to go forward and I'm hoping maybe just expressing myself with help.
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Hi Ann,
I was reading through the posts and yours was the response I could relate to the most- because my boyfriend isn't mean or abusive, but a lovely person who is simply unhealthy.
I have only been with him for about a year. We moved in together quickly and are very much in love. But our whole relationship, he's seemed to be struggling with various health problems. It really hit the fan over our Christmas vacation out of town. We were in and out of the ER and doctor's offices through our Christmas holiday with my family (his first time meeting them, my first visit home in awhile). He ended up needing surgery just so we could fly home. His health problems completely consumed the holiday, which was hard because I had missed my family and it meant so much to me to bring him to my home and show him where I came from- which I never really got to do.
Since then, there have been many more appointments, tests, and finally a surgery in February that should have put him on the road to recovery.... It seemed like maybe he was healing and getting better, but the last few weeks, it's going in the other direction. He's always in pain, started throwing up again, missing work. The doctor's aren't helping.
He doesn't do much to help the situation. He doesn't take good care of himself and it's frustrating for me to have to be the only one of us who seems to care about his health. I'm always the one looking for solutions, making suggestions, and nagging and badgering him to follow through.
I'm struggling with feeling like my needs are just... not even a thing in our relationship. Everything is piled on top of me, and I was holding on to this hope that if I could just get him through this time, then there would be time for us to have a "normal" relationship when he was healed. And by normal, I mean the most basic relationship stuff. Going on dates and having sex and planning for the future.
But now it's all slipping away again as it seems some new issue is arising and who knows what it will be, or if or when it will be better, or if some new problem will come up when this one is done.
My emotions are all frazzled and mixed up. I find myself wondering if I should just end the relationship, because when I reason it out without involving my heart, that makes the most sense. We are not married, and me taking care of him in his illness has really been the majority of our relationship. I have literally done everything for him the entire time we have been together, and most times, had to carry the majority of our financial burdens as well.
If, reasonably, our early experiences in a relationship with someone are generally how we evaluate whether we want to continue in a relationship, or commit to it further by getting married- my initial and continuing experience of this relationship have been consumed with care-taking. And if this is an example of the life to come.... a sexless, romance-less future of taking care of my partner..... never really having a true partner who can ever carry me when I need it.... I don't want that. I really don't.
But I truly love him. He is my favourite person I have ever met in this world. I love him so much and I just want to have a real relationship with him.
I'm scared that even if he does heal, that being his caretaker for an indefinite length of time will have cemented a non-romantic dynamic between us. I miss sexual intimacy and feel so lonely for that kind of closeness and connection- but at the same time, there are times I just don't feel at all sexual toward him anymore because he feels to me like a child- someone I have to take care of.
I can't even remember what it's like to feel sexy or wanted. I try to understand that he wants to participate in our relationship, but can't because of pain and other things....but sometimes it just feels like our entire relationship has been about him and his pain and his needs and his illness- and I don't know where my hopes and dreams and needs fit into any of it anymore.
Thank you for letting me vent. I feel at a loss for how to go forward and I'm hoping maybe just expressing myself with help.
May 2, 2016 - 8:29amThis Comment
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