I severely herniated my back in January, 2016. After a week of "manning up", I had to go to the emergency room in an ambulance because my wife "couldn't" leave work to help me. She showed up at the er eventually and made a show of being the sweet wife. I returned home and then begin the ordeal. Back surgery was required, which resulted in 6 weeks restriction on bending, lifting and twisting. During the recovery, I never felt right and couldn't walk properly. I turned out that I had reherniated and needed a second surgery, immediately. However, before that could happen, I was struck with diverticiulitis, which laid me out for 2 weeks (after "manning up" for a week and only going to the doctor when I was about to pass out). So I had a second surgery, and another 6 weeks recovery. The second time, I was very afraid of doing anything to re-herniate, so I stopped "manning up" and focused on my recovery.
My wife, for want of a better description, has been terrible the whole time. Ranging from accusations of faking it, to verbal abuse and threats to leave the marriage. I am still not 100% and sadly, am suffering another bout of diverticulitis, which is almost worse than the back.
She has not been supportive at all. She sees me as selfish and demanding when I ask for help. She gets angry if I ask the kids to help and resentful if she does anything. Other than at the ER or OR, when others are watching, she has not so much as held my hand or wiped my brow. Couldn't even hang with me for one full day after surgery, had to arrange "errands" for herself.
I feel isolated, abused, abandoned and unloved. She makes joke about it, "Nurse Ratched" and what not. But it's not funny. I know it's been a long haul and that I will get better, but this does not bode well for our future and old age.
For the record, before this I had never been sick except for broken bones, flu, that sort of thing. I have stuck by her and supported her through 3 pregnancies and 2 surgeries and 20 years of chronic back and neck pain. I made sure to understand what was going on with her, went with her to appointments, comforted her and waited on her hand and foot when she needed it.
When it was my turn? I got nothing but resentment. And here's the kicker. While I am the primary breadwinner, prior to the last 6 months, I was also the primary caregiver due to my flexible work schedule. I was the one to take the kids to every appointment. I cooked dinner every night and did the majority of the shopping. I arranged or performed all the house repairs, remodels, maids and everything else.
When it's her turn? I had to up the maid to once a week to keep her sanity. Now that she is doing the cooking and running kids around, suddenly "she does everything and I do nothing and never did."
I really thought when she had to do it herself that she would appreciate what I did. I was wrong.
The kicker was last tuesday night, when the diverticulitis was really bad. I had pulled myself together enough to work, go to PT and celebrate sons birthday, but that was all I could manage, so I went to bed. Lying in bed, literally in a pool of fever sweat, she come back and starts folding clothes on the bed at 9:00 at night (turns all the lights on) and then starts berating me about yard work (which we had an agreement on). I finallly shouted something along the lines of "Enough woman, leave me in peace." And that was it. She threatened to leave, called me selfish, etc.
Cold shoulder now for nearly a week. She was kind enough to offer me mixed nuts whilst I am on a liquid diet, but that's about it.
So, I must say, I am not having much sympathy for the caregivers right now and frankly I am considering divorce, because I can't imagine old age with someone like this, or like some of the "caregivers" I see commenting here. What part of "In sickness and in health" do ya'll not get?
Comment Reply
I severely herniated my back in January, 2016. After a week of "manning up", I had to go to the emergency room in an ambulance because my wife "couldn't" leave work to help me. She showed up at the er eventually and made a show of being the sweet wife. I returned home and then begin the ordeal. Back surgery was required, which resulted in 6 weeks restriction on bending, lifting and twisting. During the recovery, I never felt right and couldn't walk properly. I turned out that I had reherniated and needed a second surgery, immediately. However, before that could happen, I was struck with diverticiulitis, which laid me out for 2 weeks (after "manning up" for a week and only going to the doctor when I was about to pass out). So I had a second surgery, and another 6 weeks recovery. The second time, I was very afraid of doing anything to re-herniate, so I stopped "manning up" and focused on my recovery.
My wife, for want of a better description, has been terrible the whole time. Ranging from accusations of faking it, to verbal abuse and threats to leave the marriage. I am still not 100% and sadly, am suffering another bout of diverticulitis, which is almost worse than the back.
She has not been supportive at all. She sees me as selfish and demanding when I ask for help. She gets angry if I ask the kids to help and resentful if she does anything. Other than at the ER or OR, when others are watching, she has not so much as held my hand or wiped my brow. Couldn't even hang with me for one full day after surgery, had to arrange "errands" for herself.
I feel isolated, abused, abandoned and unloved. She makes joke about it, "Nurse Ratched" and what not. But it's not funny. I know it's been a long haul and that I will get better, but this does not bode well for our future and old age.
For the record, before this I had never been sick except for broken bones, flu, that sort of thing. I have stuck by her and supported her through 3 pregnancies and 2 surgeries and 20 years of chronic back and neck pain. I made sure to understand what was going on with her, went with her to appointments, comforted her and waited on her hand and foot when she needed it.
When it was my turn? I got nothing but resentment. And here's the kicker. While I am the primary breadwinner, prior to the last 6 months, I was also the primary caregiver due to my flexible work schedule. I was the one to take the kids to every appointment. I cooked dinner every night and did the majority of the shopping. I arranged or performed all the house repairs, remodels, maids and everything else.
When it's her turn? I had to up the maid to once a week to keep her sanity. Now that she is doing the cooking and running kids around, suddenly "she does everything and I do nothing and never did."
I really thought when she had to do it herself that she would appreciate what I did. I was wrong.
The kicker was last tuesday night, when the diverticulitis was really bad. I had pulled myself together enough to work, go to PT and celebrate sons birthday, but that was all I could manage, so I went to bed. Lying in bed, literally in a pool of fever sweat, she come back and starts folding clothes on the bed at 9:00 at night (turns all the lights on) and then starts berating me about yard work (which we had an agreement on). I finallly shouted something along the lines of "Enough woman, leave me in peace." And that was it. She threatened to leave, called me selfish, etc.
Cold shoulder now for nearly a week. She was kind enough to offer me mixed nuts whilst I am on a liquid diet, but that's about it.
So, I must say, I am not having much sympathy for the caregivers right now and frankly I am considering divorce, because I can't imagine old age with someone like this, or like some of the "caregivers" I see commenting here. What part of "In sickness and in health" do ya'll not get?
June 6, 2016 - 7:21amThis Comment
Reply